Keep Your Enemies Close
by Kiyoko Usagi
Summary: Pierce was an intelligent man. If the Asset was going to start remembering Rogers, it was best to give him an assignment other than the simple point and shoot. The Asset's Mission: Pretend he was James "Bucky" Barnes, best friend to Steve Rogers. He was to evaluate Rogers and see if Rogers could be used by HYDRA...or be put down if the Asset thought otherwise. (Warning: Stucky)
1. You're My Mission

This is also posted to my other penname L1av over at AO3. Hope you enjoy!

* * *

The Soldier sat there, feeling his muscles tense and pull and jerk as he thought back to the man on the bridge. _'I knew him. I knew him. I knew him.'_ He rocked back and forth in sharp, jerky, short motions, feeling his toes curl. The scientists around him hovered like bees, but they were too afraid he'd swat. He had just shoved one of them against the wall… He was so far in his head, thinking desperately about the man he'd seen. The blonde hair, the jaw line; it was all so familiar. _'I knew him. I knew him.'_

Pierce came in, analyzing the situation briefly before sitting in front of the Asset. He showed no fear in his eyes despite the pleadings of the others. The Asset's gaze briefly scanned the armed men that had their guns pointed directly at him. As if they could take him down… He was almost insulted.

Pierce looked at him with determined, confident eyes. "Mission report," he demanded.

The Asset didn't answer. _'I knew him. I knew him. I knew him.'_

"Mission report. Now," Pierce pointedly demanded.

_'I knew him. I knew him. I knew him. I knew him.'_

Pierce stood in front of him, but the Soldier couldn't see his face. He was lost in thoughts of murky dreams and…memories? Were these memories?

A sharp slap stung the side of his face. He blinked, seeming to come more into the present; his eyes sharpening to what was going on before him.

"The man on the bridge," he said with a low, raspy voice. "…Who was he?"

Pierce looked like he didn't want to answer the question. "You met him earlier this week on another assignment," he stated; hands resting on his knees as he leaned forward.

Just this week? He looked more familiar than that, like the kind of person you grew up with and stayed friends with forever. He had that kind of face. The Asset could feel it. It radiated in his bones like a hollow hum.

"I knew him," he finally stated out loud.

It was then that Pierce took a seat in front of him. "Your work has been a _gift_ to mankind," Pierce said.

The Soldier leaned his head forward, feeling his back muscles twitch as he desperately tried to picture the blonde man once more. He had nice eyes.

"You shaped the century," Pierce continued. "And I need you to do it- one more time."

The Asset didn't entirely believe that. One more time? There was always one more time. He was sure he'd heard that line before. It was a cruel fate, getting your memories wiped every now and then. He didn't know how many missions he'd had, but he knew he had a lot. He didn't know how old he was, but he knew he wasn't from this time. He knew each time when they'd clear his head. That memory was imprinted on his very brain. Each time…he knew he'd lost more of himself.

"Society's at a tipping point between order and chaos," Pierce said, continuing his speech. The Asset wasn't really listening though. He was still thinking about that man on the bridge. "Tomorrow morning we're going to give it a push." He paused. "But- if you don't do your part, I can't do mine."

He finally nodded, listening to Pierce's words.

"And HYDRA can't give the world the freedom, it deserves."

He started to falter back, thinking of those blue eyes. He had known those eyes once; intimately, back and forth. He could have probably could told you the amount of dark blue specks that dotted around the pupils. "But I knew him…" He knew this was it. Too much memory recovery and it was always back to square one; memory wipe. He knew they couldn't let him remember. He was against this man, this man that he'd known so well in a time he couldn't remember, in a place he couldn't see. He pursed his lips, knowing what was going to come next.

Pierce sighed. His face relaxed into thought as he stood up. "Prep him."

The Asset raised his brow. He knew it.

A scientist hesitantly said, "H-he's been out of cryo freeze too long."

"Then wipe him, and start over," Pierce ordered, his eyes void of any sympathy.

The Asset could feel his face contorting into anguish. He didn't want this. He wanted to remember. If he was just allowed to remember! He could maybe make the man on the bridge see differently. Come to HYDRA. If he could just be allowed to remember! It was so close. It was on the tip of his tongue and if he could just have a little more time…he'd know that man again. He knew he would!

The scientist began preparing the machine he sat in front for the wipe. He wanted to stand up. He wanted to crush their throats and lunge at Pierce. He wanted to bite into his throat and watch the blood gush out like a hot, thick water fountain. But he didn't. He felt his muscles begin to finally relax as his mind reminded him of his place. He wasn't a person. He wasn't human. He was a weapon, and he was theirs to command. So he let them push him back. He didn't resist. He took the mouth guard, though his eyes were anything but obedient, and breathed in deep as he waited for whatever came next. He never remembered what came next. He only remembered what HYDRA programmed him to remember; who they were, what they stood for, what he was to them, and all the training he'd undergone throughout the long years. That always stayed, but the memories, the eyes he caught, the faces he saw, the things he once was…those were all gone. He yelped as he heard the machine come to life, detesting how afraid he felt. He watched as the metal closed in on his face and then… black.

* * *

"What now, sir?" Rumlow asked. Pierce turned toward him, looking back over his shoulder just briefly as he listened to Barnes' screaming.

"Captain Rogers is an enemy of HYDRA," he began. "It's best we do something about it."

"We tried," Rumlow said, following behind Pierce as they walked through the bank's basement. "The man's a machine."

"He's not a machine," Pierce said, turning to face Rumlow in the elevator. "He's a weapon. Just like Barnes."

Rumlow furrowed his brow. "So you're saying…"

"The Asset has always been our best assassin. It's time we see him in espionage. You'll be briefed in the morning."

"You're gunna let him remember Cap?" Rumlow asked, flabbergasted.

"No. I'm going to tell him he knew him."

Pierce walked out of the elevator, a fox's smile on his face. He was sure Rumlow was standing there, dumbfounded and slack jawed. Hell, if someone was telling Pierce all this, he'd probably get confused too. Captain America was a force, a national treasure. If he could get him into Red Room, HYDRA could control the world.

Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer, they say.

* * *

His head was throbbing. He tried to open his eyes but the light seared into his retinas, surging a painful shockwave through his body. Where was he? Who was he? He started to breathe heavily, whimpering as he saw the steel restraints on his arms. His metal arm? Was that normal? He started to shout.

"He's awake!" a man with a bow tie said, rushing over to the man's side. "The Asset's awake!"

"Call Pierce," another ordered, going to a computer nearby "The Asset's" head. Why was he an Asset? Was that his name?

One of the men placed a hand on his shoulder, "Calm down, you're safe. You'll start to r-remember in a second. Just breathe." The man looked over his shoulder at some readings on another computer screen.

Oh…there it was… The Asset started to calm down, feeling the trickle of his programmed memories return. Ghost story. Assassin. HYDRA's best kept secret. His left hook is meaner than his right, but his left leg is shit compared to his right… HYDRA. Okay… yes he knew this. This was familiar. He snapped his eyes open, trying desperately to remember why they'd wiped him again. He'd started to remember something outside of the programming. _'No, no, no, what was it, what was it, what was it?!'_

He couldn't remember, it was just a thick, murky black pit in the back of his head and each time he tried to access it, a surge of pain radiated from his brain stem down into his toes. He hissed at the feeling.

"You need to let your mind relax and let the programming take its course," the man said again, giving his shoulder a little squeeze. Were they friends? Did they know each other? The Asset sure couldn't remember.

Pierce. Yes! Pierce was the dreamer. All his ambitions began to pour into the Asset like a steady stream. HYDRA was going to give the world a new existence. They were going to take all the bad and make it good. He felt that was the right thing. It was right? Right?

Sighing, he let his muscles go lax, waiting for the computer to finish replenishing his memories with what HYDRA thought necessary. He knew they were hiding things from him, lying to him, but it wasn't his place to question it. HYDRA was doing great things. He was doing great things.

"Program's at 95%," the man at the monitor stated. "Almost there."

He knew why they kept him like this. He was a machine, a weapon programmed to do what they couldn't. They needed him. In turn they'd elongated his life, strengthened his muscles and gave him far greater purpose. HYDRA was good. They'd given him _true_ purpose. He didn't know if he had a purpose before HYDRA, but he didn't care. HYDRA was his purpose. Nothing else mattered but the assignment, HYDRA and Pierce.

"Process complete," the man at the monitor said again.

The man with the bow tie gave the Asset another, brief squeeze to the shoulder, offering a weary smile. "Feeling better?" he asked. His voice was soft and a bit high for man's. Or at least that's what the Asset thought. He wasn't entirely sure if he was right or not.

The Asset nodded.

They released his restraints and he sat up, stretching out his flesh arm and back muscles. He shrugged his shoulders, feeling much more relaxed than he had before. "Whose briefing me?" he asked, his voice hoarse.

"Pierce should be here soon. He wanted to deliver this mission personally," the man with the bow tie said.

The Asset nodded, bending over to touch his toes. It felt good to stretch out his muscles. He felt his spine crack in all the right places, allowing him to touch the floor, bypassing his toes. He leaned back up, rolling his neck.

The barred door opened to reveal a man with copper hair and beady, dark eyes. _'Pierce.'_ He didn't know how he knew his face, but he assumed it had been including in the programming he'd just received. He leaned back against the wall, hands behind his butt.

"Feeling better?" Pierce asked.

The Asset furrowed his brow, unsure of why that question was warranted.

Pierce laughed. "You had me worried. Was afraid you lost your ambition."

"HYDRA's all the ambition I need," the Asset replied automatically, but there was no life behind the words. It was like he was forced to say it rather than truly felt it. He still didn't question it.

"Good," Pierce said, a small smile curling his lips. "Got an assignment for you," he said as he handed the Asset a file. "It's not like your previous work, but I think you'll enjoy it."

The Asset flipped open the file, seeing a man with blonde hair, broad shoulders and a star on his chest. He cocked a brow. "Captain America?" he questioned. "Is this guy serious?"

Pierce laughed. "Serious as they come. He's an ex SHIELD agent. Gone rogue. Opposes HYDRA passionately."

"So you need me to kill him," the Asset stated flatly. He closed the file, feeling it pointless to read the rest. He could read? Oh…he could.

Pierce chucked softly. "No that won't be necessary. We're promoting you. Ever wanted to be a spy?"

He never knew he wanted to be an assassin. How could he have known if he ever wanted to be a spy? He guessed from his blank stare that Pierce caught onto the train of thought.

"He thinks he knows you. You look a lot like a man he once knew. Rogers' got a similar story to yours. Frozen in ice for roughly 70 years, super human strength and healing. He was a big time World War II hero." Pierce paused, his eyes scanning the Asset's face. "You're name is Bucky Barnes to him. So get used to thinking about it that way. You were…kidnapped by HYDRA. He thinks we've treated you terribly. Well, his friend."

_'Bucky, Bucky, Bucky. Why's that so familiar?'_ the Asset mulled in his head. He tried on the name for size, seeing how it fit in his brain as he referred to himself as Bucky. He cocked his head to the side, waiting for Pierce to keep going. "So what's my mission then?"

"Befriend him. Get him to trust you. Do whatever you can to make him believe you're his friend. Evaluate him. If you think he's HYDRA material, report it and we'll devise a plan to take him in."

"Wouldn't it be easier if you just asked?" Bucky asked.

Pierce huffed once. "He was SHIELD. He won't come to HYDRA without a fight. He thinks we're a delusional group of people, but he just doesn't see what we're trying to do. We're trying to rid the people of fear, hatred and desperation. You understand all that- don't you Bucky?"

Bucky watched as Pierce's eyes scanned him for any twitch that showed to the contrary. "Of course I understand."

Pierce nodded, pointing to the file. "Take a look at that. Get familiar with Barnes' personality. There's a museum exhibit too you should check out. Got Barnes' life all over it."

"This guy was important then?" Bucky asked.

"He was a war hero," Pierce stated. "But he's dead. Captain America just can't accept that. So, we're going to use that to our advantage. Befriend him. Gain his trust. See if he can be brought in, like you, or if he should be terminated."

"You'll wipe his brain too?" Bucky asked, unsure why the words came out so argumentatively.

Pierce took a step back, his eyes rounding. "You were having a mental breakdown. We took away your pain. You know everything you need to know."

Bucky nodded, feeling his lip twitch. "I know. So, evaluate to convert or kill?"

"Yes," Pierce stated with his hands on his hips.

"Understood, sir," Bucky said, opening the file again and going to sit on his chair. He sat cross legged, his brow furrowed as he scanned the pictures, the facts, the dates. It was a lot of information, but he knew it was necessary. This Captain America sounded like a good guy. Bucky didn't understand why he didn't want HYDRA to prevail. They were going to give the world true happiness and freedom. What did…Steve Rogers…want to give the world?

"Oh and…Bucky," Pierce said over his shoulder.

Bucky looked up from the file. Pierce was standing in the doorway, his fingers wrapped around one of the bars.

"Don't just go up to him and say you're Bucky. Make him work for it. Make it look like you're really remembering and give it some dramatic flair. I'll let you decide how you handle that."

Bucky chewed his bottom lip, thinking how he could approach that situation. What was dramatic flair?

* * *

"If Project Insight's a success," Rumlow began as he joined Pierce's side. He'd been handed a similar file to Barnes'.

"You mean when it's a success," Pierce corrected.

"Cap and Barnes are going to be obsolete," Rumlow finished.

Pierce turned to him, creasing his brow. "You got a soft spot for them?"

Rumlow felt his shoulders sink under the weight of that glare. He was Barnes' handler…but that didn't make him soft. "No sir. I just don't understand why you're not just killing Rogers."

"Always have a backup plan, Brock. We're going to put them on ice and hopefully the generations after us will never need them, but we're keeping them as insurance."

Rumlow nodded, understanding that reasoning. "Yes sir," he stated. He broke away from Pierce, going toward the elevator to go down to check out Barnes. He'd always been a bit terrified of those dead, dull eyes and expressionless face. He could tell from the pictures that Barnes had been quite the good looking man back in the day. His eyes had been so bright. It almost hurt Rumlow to think of what had happened to Barnes. And now all this, being told his past life was a lie but to go along with it anyway? It was cruel. Brilliant. But cruel. The elevator came to a gentle halt, dinging as its doors opened. He stepped out, a stark contrast of black and caramel skin against the yellowing tiles around him. He saw Barnes, chewing his bottom lip as he read over his mission files. He was more animated than usual. Was it because of the excitement for having a different kind of mission? Or was it because he knew deep down that he really _was_ Bucky Barnes.

"How's he doing?" he asked Dr. Vandercoy.

The scientist straightened out his bowtie before answering. "He's stable. His dopamine levels are a bit higher than usual, but I think that's from the adjusted programming."

So he was happier? What made him happier? "Hey, Barnes," Rumlow called.

The man looked up at him, but those dead eyes just stared back at him.

"We're mission buds again," he stated as he came to realize Barnes wasn't going to say anything. "I'll be inside launching Project Insight while you'll be looking out for Cap."

Barnes nodded, his gaze trailing back to the file. He looked way too absorbed into it. That was unsettling. "What're you thinking?"

Even the scientists realized how heavy that question truly was. They all stared at Barnes, waiting for him to reply, if he'd even give one. Barnes wasn't the chattiest character.

But Barnes looked up through his greasy, stringy hair. "I'm not thinking anything," he stated.

Rumlow cocked his head. "Really? You're not excited about your mission?"

"It's just a mission," Barnes replied. "Should I be excited?"

The question was innocent. Rumlow knew how far Barnes would go to be obedient. A few of his STRIKE had tested how far those boundaries went, forcing Barnes to sleep with them. Though from what some of the guys said…there wasn't much forcing, just awkward initiating. It used to disgust Rumlow how everyone saw Barnes as a toy, or a gun, but now he didn't really care. Over time, he just came to accept it, even saw why people felt that way about him. Barnes presented himself as a doll to be moved around at the behest of anyone but himself. A man like that with no fight left in him didn't deserve to have an opinion. "No, Barnes. I guess not." He turned away, deciding he'd had enough of a show for one day.

The Asset still creeped him out, no matter how hard he'd tried to think of him differently. No matter how many times he followed his ass into the line of fire. The guys on his STRIKE team were off their rockers to sleep with that ball of crazed insanity… And lesson number one, you don't stick your dick in crazy.

* * *

He'd met him atop the helicarriers. Captain America…Steve Rogers. He'd remembered Pierce's urgings for dramatic flair, so Bucky put on a show. He'd shot Steve a few times, watched how far his dedication to "Bucky Barnes" would take him. Truth be told, Bucky was envious. He wanted a man who was so devoted to him. Bucky had given HYDRA everything from his life to his body to his purpose. He'd broken himself over and over for them and not once had he ever wanted to look back, or at least he didn't think he wanted to look back.

He'd punched Rogers. Slammed his metal arm into him so hard he was sure the spine would break. Part of him wanted to kill this man. He didn't want to look into the eyes of a man with so much adoration, only to know Bucky was lying. He had no idea who this man was, but he tried to play it off like it was all coming back.

They beat each other into pulps before Bucky started to pretend he was really remembering. He'd pause; drop his gaze to the floor before pretending to remember what he was doing. Captain Rogers took notice. He kept urging Bucky to remember who he was. He kept trying to deflect each punch with no counter strike.

They were both wheezing and gasping for breath as their wounds seeped blood and stung of sweat. Rogers struggled to stand up, speaking pointedly. "Your name is James. Buchanan. Barnes."

Bucky had to play it just right. He contorted his face, tightening his eyes as he pretended to fight the memories that weren't actually revealing themselves. "Shut up!" he screamed over the wind.

"I'm not gunna fight you," Rogers said, dropping his shield. "You're my friend."

Bucky watched it fall into the river below. Bucky wanted to be this guy's friend. The amount of dedication, the sacrifices Rogers was willing to make. He was trusting Bucky completely. Bucky literally was the only thing that could decide if this man would live or die. It was terrifying. He wanted to know him.

They stared at each other, both panting and exhausted before Bucky decided to keep up the charade a bit longer. He lunged at Rogers, pushing him down, thinking of something to say that could really bring that dramatic flair that Pierce wanted. "You're my mission," he stated, feeling rather pleased with himself as he began to punch Rogers, over and over. _'How's this for drama?'_

His heart began to squeeze as this man allowed him to keep punching. He watched the pain etch itself into the corners of Rogers' eyes. He watched the skin split and heard the bones crunch, but the man didn't do anything. This guy… Who the hell was he?

"Then finish it," Rogers breathed out.

Bucky didn't have to pretend to hesitate. He didn't have to pretend to look shocked or caught off guard. This guy… They didn't make them like this anymore. This…James Barnes had one of the greatest friends in human history, and he was too dead to take the time to appreciate it. Bucky wanted to. He wanted to stop, to pretend he was remembering everything that they never did together. He wanted to pull the man into a hug and tell him all the things he thought Rogers wanted to hear. But he didn't. Pierce had made his orders clear, and Bucky was compliant to a fault.

"Cause I'm with you…till the end of the line." The words reverberated through Bucky's body, sparking something he didn't know exist. It was like another person was inside him, screaming, telling him something was wrong. He ignored it; staring down at the beaten man below him, his fist still hanging in the air as he decided if he'd punch again or not.

He didn't get to decide whether to punch him again or not. The flooring gave way beneath Rogers and he was cast down into the river. Bucky knew he'd die under the weight of the debris, or the fact that the man had no fight left in him. So he jumped. If Rogers died, so did his mission. If Rogers died… he wouldn't get to feel what it felt like to have a friend so dedicated, so loyal and trusting that it was like the world around them didn't exist. So he jumped and reached out, and carried the man to shore.

He dropped him, looking at Rogers' still, unconscious face. Bucky bit at his lower lip, debating what to do. Should he stay? Wait for the other to wake up? Wait, the museum exhibit! He hadn't seen the museum exhibit yet! Following Pierce's orders, he departed from Steve Rogers. He looked over his shoulder, making sure the other wasn't awake. He knew they'd find each other again. He just had to figure out how to make this all seem natural. He couldn't appear too eager, but he couldn't appear too distant. It was a fine, complicated line. He had to play his cards right.

…Had he ever even played cards before?

* * *

Steve felt anxious. Sam had agreed to look for Bucky with him. Natasha had given him some files from Kiev. But that was where the trial went cold. He couldn't imagine Bucky would wander off too far. He'd known. Steve knew that Bucky could remember, at least little pieces, or at least that gut feeling. Steve was sure of it! Bucky had pulled him from the water. Why would he do that unless he knew Steve, or at least was curious to know Steve.

Rolling his shoulders, he looked over the files again. Oh what HYDRA had done… It was unforgivable. Disgusting. Bucky had been experimented on, brainwashed, frozen in ice, brought out for short gasps of air only to have his memory wiped and be shoved right back in. Steve felt his fingers shaking as he continued to thumb through the pages.

"Steve," Sam said from the other side of the table. He was reading the newspaper. Steve looked to the date.

It had been a month since Steve last saw Bucky. They decided it was best not to leave D.C. Despite Captain America being wanted by the US government…they thought it best to stick around in the event that Bucky still was around.

"Steve," Sam said once more. This time his tone was firmer. "You doing good over there?"

Sam continuously asked how Steve was doing. Steve wasn't bothered by it, but he always ticked off a mental number each time Sam asked. Since Bucky came back, life had been a spiraling mess of confusion, anger and anxiety. Sam was more than well aware of that and for the most part, he gave Steve the space he needed, but there were times when Steve would focus too hard or be up too long. Sam made sure he slept, ate and had time to just…be mind numb. Usually those nights surrounded trashy reality TV and beer.

"I'm fine."

Sam raised his brow, eyeing Steve apprehensively.

Steve put the file down, closing it and placing his hands atop it. "Really, Sam. I'm fine."

Sam went back to looking at the newspaper. "You're name's been all over this thing."

"What're they saying?"

"Most of the reporters seem to question if you're really "Captain America" quality or if you're a terrorist." Sam's words were smooth, like he was talking about the weather.

"I saved them. They know this. The US government knows this."

"They're reporters, Steve. Welcome to the world of desperate men and desperate women who will do anything for more views."

Steve's phone vibrated on the table, startling both men. He picked it up, seeing Caller Unknown, but decided to answer it anyway. What if it was Bucky?

"Hello?" he greeted.

_It's Natasha. Ya got a sec?_

Steve let out a sigh as his hopes deflated. Why would Bucky have his number anyway? Did Bucky even have a phone? "Yup."

_I've got it on good authority there's a man in New York. He'd been wandering around like a lost puppy. Stark took him to his tower._

Steve's eyes widened. He stood up slowly, afraid that if he got up too fast he'd collapse to the floor. "Bucky?"

_Stark said he's got a metal arm._

"How long? Why didn't Stark call me? Is he okay? Has he said anything?" Steve fired question after question, already starting to move about the house to collect his shoes and wallet.

_Stark didn't know who he belonged to. He called me. Thought the star on the arm looked like something Russians would do… _She laughed softly. _He's right though. And no- he hasn't spoken a word._

Steve felt like he was about to lift off the ground and fly. He'd been so anxious. So terrified for Bucky. It was a relief to hear he was with Tony. Though, he wasn't entirely sure how he found Tony…or how Tony got him to come with him… "How did this all happen?"

_Tony said he showed up outside the tower and sat there for a few days…and nights. Pepper was the one who brought him in. Tony saw the arm and here we are._

Steve's heart lurched. Bucky was out there. He was out there. Alive. "I'll call Stark. See ya, Tash." He didn't even wait to hear her say anything back. He shoved his phone in his back pocket slamming his hands on the table a bit too loudly.

Sam looked up, nodding. He'd been listening, clearly. "So when we leaving?"

"Now," Steve said. He ran into the living room, grabbing his things. He'd been living out of his suitcase since SHIELD went down. After everything was in order, he threw the suitcase onto the couch and dialed Tony's number.

_Capcicle!_ Tony said into the phone gleefully. _Natasha thinks this dude I've got on my couch knows you!_

"Stark…don't try to detain him. Don't threaten him. Don't…do anything that he may see as a threat," Steve said softly.

Sam leaned against the doorframe as he slung his backpack over his shoulders. He was ready to leave.

_Uh, I haven't done anything. Pepper gave him tea and now he's watching Scooby Doo._

Steve blinked in surprise, picturing Bucky, staring blankly at the TV as the Great Dane solved mysteries. "Has he said anything yet?"

_Nope. Who is he?_

Steve felt his throat clench up. If he told Tony, Tony could become a potential target. The CIA, HYDRA, whatever remnants of SHIELD and probably half a dozen other agencies were out looking for The Winter Soldier. If he told Tony, he'd have to bring him completely into the fold, more than what Tony knew already about The Winter Soldier. He had to know he was at least that, right? "You know him."

_I know he's the guy who put you in the hospital. He have a change of heart? Or is he just waiting for you so he can put a bullet in your head and stain my carpet?_

Steve rolled his eyes. "He's not going to kill me, Tony. It's complicated. I'll…I'll tell you when I get there."

_Whatever. He seems to like Pepper though. So…if he makes a move on my woman, I will be making threats._ His tone was light. He was being sarcastic, but Steve still felt his heart clench as nervous anticipation wrenched its way deep inside.

"Don't threaten him. That's the last thing you wanna do." He hung up, feeling satisfied with his closing statement. Turning to Sam, he allowed his friend to see a moment of anxious, vulnerability as his shoulders slumped and his eyes rounded into innocent orbs. He was scared. Bucky was with Tony Stark in New York. New York…their home. Him and Bucky. Was it a clue? Was Bucky saying he remembered? Or was Tony right? What if this was HYDRA? But Pierce was dead… Steve was aware not all HYDRA agents were taken out, but he was pretty sure at least most of the big players were out of the way now. Bucky couldn't be controlled anymore, right?

"One step at a time, Cap," Sam said, as if he could read each and every thought Steve had. "Let's go."

* * *

"So…" the man, Tony Stark drawled as he sat across from Bucky. He was apprehensive. His shoulders were tense and Bucky could see the man's pulse beating quickly against his neck. Bucky made him nervous. "You got a name?"

Bucky's eyes drifted back to the cartoon.

Tony huffed. "JARVIS, you find anything?"

Bucky jumped as he heard a disconnected voice float into the room. "No sir. Only the information from SHIELD and HYDRA that were leaked. The Winter Soldier, or as HYDRA referenced to him: the Asset."

Tony leaned forward. "So, you're a trained assassin. One of HYDRA's big guys. Why're you here? With me?"

Bucky let his lips part. He thought of many responses to that, from the absolute truth to thousands of lies. Pierce was dead. But HYDRA wasn't. HYDRA would be expecting him to complete his mission. "I knew him."

Tony furrowed his brow. "Knew who?"

"Rogers. I knew him."

Tony leaned back, clicking his tongue. "He's a pretty famous guy. I'm sure you know who I am too…"

Bucky responded with a blank stare.

"Or not…" Tony said, sounding a bit disappointed. "How'd you know Steve?"

Bucky turned back to the cartoon, but his eyes weren't focused. They looked past the television screen, searching for something that wasn't there. He was assigned this mission. He was to play the part of a man's dead best friend. All he knew was what was in that file. "We grew up together."

"You do realize Steve was frozen in a block of ice for seventy years right? You don't look to be close to his age."

Bucky's gaze snapped back to Tony. He watched as the man seemed to push further back into his seat, like Bucky's gaze was too much for him. "It's complicated."

Tony deadpanned. "Really? Steve said the same damn thing…" He stood up, sighing heavily. "Okay, when Steve gets here. You two have a lot of explaining. You show up with that…arm and expect me to sit here and just nod and smile along. Sure. I'll bite for now, but when Steve gets here, you both are going to spill everything or I'm dropping you from the top of this tower."

Bucky shrugged.

"Oh you're infuriating!" Tony groaned as he walked onto his balcony.

Bucky looked back at the TV, just in time to see the monster revealed to be someone the gang had met before. It was a light, comical show. Bucky had enjoyed it. He wished he'd gotten to really appreciate this kind of thing back with HYDRA. He felt a pang of guilt jab itself into his ribs and the thought was removed. He turned the TV off, staring at the wall.

"Tony!" Pepper called as she ran into the room. She was followed by a man with smooth chocolate skin and…

Bucky felt his heart skip. Confusion laced his features from the sensation. He felt his breath catch as he looked at Steve. He was extremely handsome with broad, strong shoulders and such a trusting face it was almost hard for Bucky to not come clean right then and there. He stilled himself, forcing the foreign emotions deep within as he looked blankly at the people who'd entered.

Steve ran over to Bucky, the sudden movement startled Bucky and he was instantly up, flipping back behind the couch to separate himself from Steve. The look that Steve had…the overflowing loyalty and compassion. It was too heavy for Bucky to look at.

"Bucky," Steve whispered. "It's me. Steve."

Bucky wanted to sarcastically respond with he knew, but remained silent, watching as Tony came into the room. Pepper joined his side.

"I was looking for you. I thought… I thought you'd stick around D.C. If I had known you'd be here though…"

"I needed time," Bucky responded. He didn't like everyone's gaze plastered onto him like he was some kind of zoo animal. He shuffled on his feet, trying to remember Pierce's words. Dramatic flair. Assess, report or kill. He had to play this right. He had to give into Steve to earn the man's trust.

Steve nodded, allowing a tired smile to grace his features. "Sure. Yeah I understand that. When I first woke up, I was scared. Everything was different, all my friends were dead…" Memories flashed over Steve's face, causing his eyes to harden as pain etched deeply into those ocean blues. Bucky pitied him. So much emotion had to be baggage. Bucky was relieved he didn't have to carry such a burden. The memory wipes saved him and for once, he was truly grateful.

Bucky let his shoulders drop, as he tried his best to look uncertain, reserved and a bit scared. "I…I'm not dead," he whispered.

Steve smiled as he slowly walked around the couch. He walked softly, with his hands outstretched. "No. No you're not dead." Steve stopped right in front of Bucky, he placed his hands on Bucky's shoulders and gave them a quick squeeze, like he was assessing if Bucky was really real or not. He pulled Bucky into a hug.

Bucky's eyes widened in shock as he felt those strong arms wrap around him. His spine curved in and he fought for balance. He wrapped his arms around Steve, feeling much more comfortable with the balance it created. He was leaning into Steve and was pretty sure one of his boots was atop Steve's, but he didn't care. This was going the exact way Bucky wanted. Steve was making this too easy. Trust wasn't going to be the hard part. Bucky felt he could easily trick Steve into the Red Room.

His stomach flipped and he tensed up. He didn't want them to go back so soon. He wanted to know what it was like to have this. He wanted to know what a best friend felt like, and what kind of loyalty Steve would show. Perhaps since Pierce was dead…Bucky could just…play with this for awhile.

Steve pulled back, clearing his throat awkwardly. "We'll get through this together, k Buck?"

"Bucky?" Tony finally said. "Wait…Bucky as in James Barnes? As in the 107th and the guy who fell off a mountain?"

Sam laughed.

"Jesus, you WWII guys and your absolute refusal of dying," Tony continued as he went to make himself a drink.

Bucky watched as Steve's face seemed to weigh something out, like he was considering doing something or not. "Stark," Steve finally said. "Can we talk?"

Tony raised his glass, before taking the shot and swallowing. He motioned for Steve to follow him out on the balcony.

Bucky stood there, feeling his chest rise and fall. Did Steve know? Was there something in Bucky's behavior that gave this all away? He'd never done this before. Espionage wasn't assassination. This wasn't a point, shoot and walk away kind of thing. This was a calculative, cunning dance and Bucky wasn't sure he was playing it right.

He moved, watching as Sam took notice of his every step. Bucky sat back onto the couch, his eyes dulling as he stared at the wall. Was this over? Did he fail?

Steve and Tony walked back in. Tony went for another drink. Steve came to kneel in front of Bucky. "Wanna go outside with me for a second? Just to talk?"

Bucky nodded, following Steve out. The wind was cold, chilling the metal against Bucky's shoulder. He crossed his arms, trying to pull some heat in.

"Where've you been?" Steve asked.

"Trying to remember," Bucky lied. He had to play the part just right. Too much came off as fake, but not enough came out as a lie. "I thought coming here would jog my memory."

Steve nodded, accepting those words as law. "Did it help?"

"No. Not really."

"So…what do you remember?"

The million dollar question. Bucky knew everything in that file but he knew zero specifics. He mulled over several responses in his mind before deciding on one. Thankfully, Steve seemed patient. "We were best friends. Soldiers. I fell off a train. HYDRA took me in." Bucky saw the pain that crossed Steve's features. It hallowed out his cheeks and Bucky was sure if he didn't start talking that Steve would go red and begin to smash whatever was in his way. "They trained me. Wiped my memories and programmed me to be a weapon. That's really it."

"Well let's go back," Steve said. "Back to the war. Back to you and me."

Bucky didn't want to go that far back. He didn't want to try to lie his way through a life he had never lived. "Steve," he breathed out. "I just wanna…I don't wanna talk 'bout it."

Steve straightened up, like he was caught off guard, but didn't push it. "Okay. We can talk about all that when you're ready to. I'm just so glad you're here. That you're okay." Steve ran his hand over Bucky's hair, then cupping his face. There was something in those eyes, something hungry and desperate but Bucky didn't know why. He just stood there, blinking up at the taller man. Steve pursed his lips, backing away. "Hungry?"

Bucky shrugged. "I could eat."

Steve smiled, pulling Bucky into the penthouse. The gesture was so light, but Bucky felt his head spin. This man thought Bucky was James Barnes, a man who died so very long ago. But Steve was so nice and optimistic that it almost hurt Bucky to have to lie to him like this. It would be better when Steve was under HYDRA's programming. All the pain and longing for a friend long since deceased would be gone, and HYDRA would provide for Steve the same way HYDRA has provided for Bucky.

Bucky took small comfort in knowing Steve's pain would one day be erased as he allowed Steve to list off a ton of take out options. Tony had ultimately decided on Chinese, but Bucky had taken silent enjoyment in the fact that Steve was asking him what to do, and not the other way around.

* * *

Let me know what ya think? :)


	2. I Remember These Arms

Here's the second chapter! Thanks everyone for your kind words! I really appreciate it! This gets posted over at AO3 as well so if you're over there, you can look me up. I'm L1av

* * *

Bucky sat in one of Tony Stark's labs. He had his knees tucked under his chin and he was chewing on a fingernail. According to Stark, he needed to check out Bucky's arm to make sure everything was okay. Bucky was certain that meant to look for trackers, failsafes and anything else that could be a threat to them. Unfortunately, Bucky was pretty sure there was a tracker and he was even more sure that Stark was going to remove it. The panic that lolled in his stomach was calm, but it was slowly building to a raging storm as he thought about who could communicate with him now? He knew Pierce was dead, but HYDRA didn't put all its eggs into one basket. Project Insight was a great idea, but it had failed and now HYDRA would move on with another plan to bring this planet the peace it needed. Bucky knew that if the tracker was removed, he'd lose the ability to touch base with HYDRA.

He was alarmingly more nervous about the excitement he felt about that prospect. He'd always been watched by HYDRA through trackers, cryo or his handlers, Rumlow being his most recent. He'd heard that Rumlow was in a hospital back in D.C. Bucky would have to find him eventually. He needed a way back to HYDRA after the tracker was removed.

Tony entered, walking casually over to Bucky, his face unreadable, which alarmed Bucky. Bucky was always good at reading faces. Tony picked up a wrench and a wire. He hovered over Bucky like a child sitting before a cake, unsure which piece to dive into. "Ready, Barnes?"

Bucky nodded.

Tony took a seat on a rolling chair and went to work immediately. The arm opened for him easily, like it had been made to respond to his touch. Bucky winced as he realized its true weight as it hung lifelessly.

Tony held it up, realizing that the arm had become deadweight. "Ever had a limb go numb?"

Bucky furrowed his brow.

"I mean, cause that's what this feels like right? You never realize how heavy your limbs are till they go numb." Tony pursed his lips when he realized Bucky wasn't going to talk. He sighed, using a screwdriver now to open Bucky's hard drive. "This is a masterpiece," he said, his voice light and breathy.

Bucky just sat there, waiting for his lifeline to be cut from HYDRA. He wondered if they'd come after him from his last known location, or if they knew what was going on here. He wasn't entirely worried about it. They always found him.

"Yup. Tracking device." Tony pulled out the small chip and smashed it. "You're officially free of HYDRA!" He gestured with his arms in a big wide stretch.

Bucky just stared at him.

"You freak me out. You know that?"

Bucky offered a small smile. The look seemed to shock Stark as he stepped back before getting close to the arm again.

"Did'ja get enough to eat?" Tony asked. He was really trying. The silence seemed to unnerve him. Perhaps it was because Bucky unnerved him.

"Yes," Bucky stated.

Tony sighed, sitting back and looking straight into Bucky's eyes. "I just… I need to know. Why'd you come here?"

Bucky blinked, surprised at the pleading look that penetrated into Tony's dark eyes. Bucky felt his lips part as his confusion rose to the top of his features.

"I mean, you knew where Steve was. And don't play dumb with me because I know you knew. You're too smart for that. So…why here?"

Bucky was astonished at Tony's perceptions. He'd come here because he wanted it to look like he'd been lost. He wanted it to seem like HYDRA wasn't involved and that he just didn't know where to turn. He'd seen the footage from the Battle of New York. It was part of the file Pierce had given him. He'd seen this tower. He knew it held meaning and it was also in New York, which was where Steve was from. Bucky looked down at his nonoperational arm. "I didn't know how to approach Steve. Not after what I did to him."

Tony ran his fingers through his hair. He nodded, accepting the lies. "So you came to my tower because…?"

Bucky wished he had control over his arm. He'd stop this conversation before it could get too deep. He couldn't say he knew of what went down in New York because the less he seemed to know the better it looked. He shrugged with his right shoulder. "Pepper brought me in. I just sat in front of the building."

Tony didn't buy it. Bucky could read the distrust underneath the perfectly controlled features. This was bad. Bucky had to think of something. He had to think of something fast! "I may have heard…HYDRA…" he began, trying to sound scared. "I heard about Iron Man. Thought he could protect me."

Tony's eyes softened. He leaned his head to one side, uncrossing his arms. "Yeah well… I guess HYDRA wants me dead too?"

Bucky nodded. Truthfully, he had no idea but he wasn't going to blow his cover to Iron Man.

"You're arm checks out. I'll get it back up and running and then you're good to go."

Bucky nodded again, chewing his bottom lip. Tony wasn't entirely convinced- that much was certain. Bucky would need to divert all his attention to Steve. He needed Steve to believe everything to the utmost in blind faith. The more Steve trusted him, the more Tony's words to Steve would fall on deaf ears.

* * *

Steve had been waiting right outside the lab. He greeted Bucky with a large smile. He stopped awkwardly in front of Bucky, his body recoiling as if Bucky had missed a step in the dance. He offered a smile, hoping it would break the uncertainty Steve just displayed. "Hey. How'd it go?" Steve asked.

"Barnes is tracker free," Tony said from behind, using a towel to dry his hands.

"So HYDRA can't find him?" Steve asked. The hope in that voice was almost tangible.

"Nope, but I still don't want you to getting too far from the tower," Tony stated. "We don't know who was already monitoring his GPS."

Steve nodded as his jaw clenched. He turned back to Bucky, his face instantly melting off its apprehension. "Wanna see where you'll be sleeping?"

Bucky nodded, following Steve. He looked over his shoulder, seeing Stark's furrowed brow and a distrusting face. He'd have to push Steve along faster. He didn't trust Stark would remain silent for too long.

Together, they went down a flight of stairs into another living suite. "Tony thought it best if you and I shared a suite. If…that's okay?" Steve looked worried, like Bucky would refuse.

Bucky smiled, nodding. "Yeah, that's great."

Steve's fingers were twitching. Bucky could tell he was nervous. He seized the opportunity, reaching out with his fleshy hand to take Steve's. Their fingers twisted together. When Steve didn't stop recoil, Bucky stepped forward, closing his metal arm atop their hands. "I'm glad you're here," he said softly.

Steve sighed. It was shaky and held so much relief it almost rocked Bucky back. "I'm so glad _you're_ here, Buck. I still…" Tears moistened his eyes. "I still can't believe it."

Bucky didn't know how to handle this. Tears meant sadness right? But why was Steve smiling? Confused, Bucky did the only thing he could think of doing. He pulled Steve into a hug, letting the other cry into his shoulder softly. He didn't have to worry about how his face looked and he didn't have to start crying either. He felt his shirt dampen as Steve kept crying.

The hug became a tangled mess of limbs as Bucky decided to bring them both to the floor. He wasn't sure what to do, but something inside guided him, like he'd done this before. He pulled Steve into his chest, petting his hair. He didn't speak, and neither did Steve.

Steve had been given a most unfortunate situation. The man he thought was dead, the man he barely got a chance to mourn because of his own fate was supposedly right here before him, and he'd never really gotten a chance to let those feelings calm down. So Bucky did his best to allow those emotions to finally ride out. While he didn't truly know how it felt, he was sure it must feel…heavy.

"Do you remember anything about us?" Steve finally said, sniffing softly. He sounded so weak, like a child. It amazed Bucky that he was Captain America, the force that saved the 107th, defeated the Red Skull, aided in the Battle of New York and brought down HYDRA and SHIELD in one day. He was so…human.

Bucky sighed, trying to think of something in the files. Best friends. Inseparable. Bucky had always been the bigger one, before Steve was jacked up with the super-serum. He tried hard to think of something, something vague that he could run with, but nothing came to him. So he leaned his head back against the leather sofa, looking up at the high ceiling fan. "No…just that I knew you."

Steve pulled himself up, coming to sit next to Bucky instead of against him. Their shoulders were touching, but Bucky knew better. Steve had pulled away because Bucky couldn't think of a damn memory or some small lie. He needed to hear these things. He needed to be reassured. Bucky needed a computer. He needed to do as much research on Steve and James Barnes that he possibly could. This wasn't going to last if Bucky couldn't get anywhere.

Steve rubbed at his face. "God. Sorry… I just…I don't know where that came from."

"You don't have to apologize," Bucky said quickly. "Break down. Freak out. Do whatever you need to do to realize I'm sitting right beside you." The words were smooth and Bucky was even impressed at how good they sounded. He enjoyed the small smile that teased at Steve's lips. To look into those eyes and see such adoration… He was sure HYDRA had never let someone look at him like this. He only knew what the last programming had let him, but he was damn sure that personal relationships with the Asset were non-existent. The closest thing he had to a friend was Brock Rumlow, and that was only because Bucky knew he was his handler and because Rumlow made it a point to at least try to talk to Bucky before they set out to complete Project Insight.

"What're you thinking about?" Steve asked, bringing Bucky back from his thoughts.

Why did people ask him that? First Rumlow and now Steve. What was it about what was going on in his mind that made people so curious? Was this a usual thing? "Just trying to remember you."

Steve smiled; bumping his shoulder playfully into Bucky's. "Give it time. I'm sure it'll come back. You were able to beat HYDRA's programming back on the helicarrier. I'm sure you'll be your old self in no time."

Bucky smiled. He wanted to believe that. But he was exactly who he'd always been. He'd never been James Barnes. He'd always been a nameless, organic weapon that did anything and everything for HYDRA.

"Do you want me to tell you stories? Or something?" Steve asked. "About us?"

Bucky licked his lips, nodding enthusiastically. He was afraid he'd looked too eager, but Steve had just laughed, resting his head back against the couch. "I don't know if you know this, but I was tiny once. Sick all the time. I had asthma. Sometimes it got pretty bad. I had a bad attack out at a baseball field with you and some other boys in our class. You pulled me against you and forced me to breathe with you. After I started to calm down, you wanted me to get home pretty fast. Despite all my protests, you slung me on your back and ran all the way home." Steve paused, looking into Bucky's eyes. The connection that Steve must have had with Barnes, to look at Bucky this way, must have been truly special. Bucky couldn't hold eye contact for long without feeling like he was drowning in affection. "You were always saving me."

Bucky felt like he was sprawled out, naked on the floor. He pulled his knees against his chest, trying to put some distance between himself and Steve. "And here I was trying to kill you," he joked, trying to remove the heavy weight out of Steve's eyes.

Steve's face contorted briefly, muscles going rigid before settling. "That wasn't you, Buck."

_'No, pretty sure I'm exactly who I was…'_ Bucky thought sarcastically. Was he a sarcastic person by nature? He had no clue…

"So we were best friends?" Bucky asked.

Steve laughed. "Oh yeah. You couldn't get rid of me no matter how hard you tried."

"I wanted to get rid of you?" Bucky asked innocently. It was so easy to fall into this persona; so easy it was almost terrifying. He enjoyed being James Barnes. He enjoyed feeling like he'd had a life with someone else.

Steve laughed again. "Oh I'm sure there were times you wanted to kill me, but you never really meant it."

"I wish I knew why," Bucky said. "Knowing you now, I can't imagine ever hurting you." There he went with those smooth words and that sincere face again. He was getting rather impressed with himself. James Barnes was a mask that fit like a glove.

Steve responded with casting his gaze to his shoes, a small, half-smile ghosting his features before disappearing.

Bucky felt like he'd done something wrong. His heart quickened as he straightened up. "Steve," he whispered. "I need to know you." He didn't want Steve going back into his thoughts. He needed Steve to be here with him. If this was going to work, Steve needed to focus on this James Barnes and not the one who'd fallen from the train.

Steve stood up, offering his hand down to Bucky. "You will know me."

* * *

Bucky had finally hid away from the small gathering in Stark's penthouse. Pepper was sweet, and Sam was nice enough, but Bucky really needed to learn more about James Barnes. His fingers typed expertly against a laptop he'd managed to swipe from Stark's lab. He knew Stark would be able to see the history no matter what Bucky did to try to delete it, but he could say he just wanted to know about his life. It was human nature to be curious. He'd seen the museum exhibit. It would only be logical to presume Bucky just wanted to know more about his life.

He searched for every document, picture, audio file and blog he could find. He was surprised there were so many fan groups dedicated to Captain America. Searching for James Barnes seemed to be a bit more limited. Everything said the same things. War hero, died by falling from a train. Best friend. Blah blah. Bucky sighed, rubbing at his face with his metal hand.

He decided to search for the two of them together and got a lot of very different results. The bond between them was solidified in history as one of the greatest friendships of American wartime, but that wasn't what entirely caught Bucky's eye. There were plenty of articles about Steve Roger's sexuality and his "suicide" shortly after Barnes' death. Many conspiracy theorists suggested that Rogers had been involved sexually with Barnes.

Bucky blinked, surprised at the amount of results inputting "STEVE ROGERS" and "HOMOSEXUAL" received. All accounts always pointed to his relationship with Barnes. A woman's name, Peggy Carter kept coming up every now and then but Bucky wasn't concerned about her. What was more interesting was the lack of response from the US government about Roger's sexuality. Once he died, the US government went on, no longer concerned that they may or may not have injected a homosexual with the super soldier serum. After Rogers came back though, nothing was said further about it. A few tabloids snapped pictures of Rogers and a woman with red hair in intimate positions, but Bucky knew those to be sparring positions. He closed the laptop, feeling satisfied with what he'd seen.

Maybe Steve had broken down because he thought the love of his life returned to him. Maybe it was because a long lost brother had returned. Bucky couldn't be sure, but he was sure he had a bit more of a plan.

* * *

Morning came faster than Steve was prepared for. He stretched out, turning over and nearly jolting from the bed when a shock of cold hit his shoulder. His eyes snapped into focus, seeing Bucky's messy hair atop the pillow. He was facing away from Steve, belly down, with his metal arm resting near Steve, half exposed from the covers and half under a pillow. Steve swallowed hard, thinking back to when mornings like there were normal. He'd woken many a time to Bucky's sleeping form. When he was smaller, he'd push himself into Bucky's arms. Automatically, the larger of the two would always wrap his arms around Steve and just go back to sleep. It wasn't so easy any more, and Steve wasn't entirely sure how much Bucky knew. He wasn't even sure why or _when_ Bucky had come into Steve's room during the night.

So Steve sat up slowly, trying not to disturb the covers that barely covered Bucky's shoulders. He saw the scars around the metal shoulder, wincing as anguish washed against his body, carrying away the shock of the morning and the small, pleasant memories of being in arms that would never truly grasp him again, because one was missing…

Bucky stirred, breathing in deep and pushing his face into the pillow. It was childlike and instantly, Steve felt a smile tug at his lips. Bucky turned over, his eyes slowly opening and looking straight at Steve.

Steve's breath caught in the back of his throat as he looked at those plump lips, full from being pressed against the pillow. His steel-blue eyes were lazy and lidded. He looked like a porcelain doll with unkempt hair and it amazed Steve how gorgeous that looked.

Bucky fidgeted under Steve's gaze, so Steve decided to break the silence. "When I went to sleep, there was only one person in this bed."

Bucky stretched out his body, reaching up to pull the headboard a bit as his toes stretched as far as his ankles would let him. Steve watched his pectoral muscles tense and then relax. He licked his lips.

"I didn't wanna be alone," Bucky stated. "Does it bother you?" He sat up, scratching at his head.

"N-no. Just surprised me. Your arm's cold," Steve said, giving it a flick. The metal rang out like a quite wind chime.

Bucky looked at the arm, as if he could see the vibrations escape into the air. "Sorry," he mumbled.

Steve didn't want to get out of bed. He wanted to crawl into Bucky's arms and press his head against the man's chest. He wanted to kiss down his sternum and trace his abs with the tip of his tongue. "Want breakfast?" he said instead…

Bucky turned over, pulling the covers around him. "I don't ever remember sleeping in a bed," he said, avoiding Steve's question.

Steve wondered if it was because Bucky wanted to stay in bed with Steve, or if he just relished the feeling of a mattress.

Anger burned its way down Steve's throat and hollowed out his stomach as he thought of Bucky back with HYDRA. He was sure he'd never been given a bed. He was given a cold, hard cryo chamber. He was constantly alone and tortured. "We don't have to get up," he said, trying to calm himself down. He didn't want to lose it again. He'd lost it once last night. He had to keep it together. Bucky was here, he wasn't what he once was, but Steve was certain it'd all come back.

Bucky sat up, allowing the covers to spill away from his torso, giving Steve an unobstructed view of his abs. Jesus, had Bucky gotten fitter since being with HYDRA. "Do you want breakfast?" Bucky asked.

Steve blinked, realizing he'd been caught. He felt his ears go hot as he searched for something else to look at. He settled on the bed post at his feet. "Yeah. I'm a big advocate for breakfast."

Bucky giggled. It was like a choir of cherubs. Steve couldn't remember if Bucky had ever giggled like that before.

Steve swung his legs over the bed, feeling the loose sweatpants unfurl from being pushed up against the bed all night. He stood up, going over to the dresser to pull out a white v-neck. He felt eyes against his back, but he didn't turn around till he'd thrown the shirt on. He turned, looking at Bucky. He could picture it the way it once was, Steve fumbling around the room, trying to find his clothes and Bucky just lounging on the bed with a cigarette lazily laced between two fingers as he stared at Steve's ass.

It didn't feel that long ago, but it had been… so much time had lapsed. So much had changed. There was a metal arm where a warm, strong, fleshy arm used to be. There was a shock of brown, stringy hair in place of slick, short hair. Lastly, there were dead, dull eyes in place of bright, lively ones. Steve felt his throat clench. He coughed, trying to bring himself out of his thoughts.

"I'll go whip us up some eggs and toast. You can wear whatever shirt in there you want. Think you'll probably fit." Steve felt his heels fall heavily atop the floor as he walked away from Bucky, away from the memories that relentlessly attacked his mind, begging to become the present.

He got out a carton of eggs, deciding he'd eat about six and Bucky would probably do the same. Both of them had high metabolisms at this point. He jumped when he saw Bucky, sitting atop the island overlooking Steve's shoulder. He was deathly quiet.

"Did I scare you?" Bucky asked.

Steve chuckled. "A little. Not used to you being so quiet."

"Did I used to be loud?" The question was innocent, but it brought back so much more than Steve really wanted right now.

Yes, they both had been loud. They both were loud when Bucky would take Steve atop the dining room table; both sweaty bodies struggling for every ounce of pleasure that they could hungrily scarf down as they moaned each other's names, not caring if any neighbors heard. Or when Bucky had cornered Steve one night with the Howling Commandos when he'd convinced Steve to give him probably one of the most exciting blow jobs Steve had ever given.

"Steve?" Bucky said, shattering Steve's memories and forcing him to the frontlines of reality. He looked down, noticing he'd become half hard. He sighed, trying to forget about those days. They were gone. Long past.

"You were…charismatic," Steve said, dancing around the "loud" word. "Always liked to make sure everyone heard your piece."

Bucky nodded. "Do you want any help?"

"No, I got it," Steve said a bit too fast. He watched as Bucky's shoulders tensed. He'd been doing that recently. Was he afraid of Steve? Or was he afraid of upsetting Steve? Each time Steve had moved away or said something that Bucky seemed to not like, he'd become desperate to correct the situation. Steve didn't need that. He understood that Bucky had a long process in front of him. They'd be together when the time was right, and if it never was, Steve would accept that. But he didn't want Bucky to think he had to dance on eggshells.

"I mean," Steve corrected. "You used to always cook for me. I wanna return the favor."

Bucky nodded, but there was no emotion displayed on that porcelain face. His lips were flat against his face as he stared at Steve, it was like he wasn't even alive. Steve couldn't blame him though. He'd been basically dead and depraved of human life for so long, Bucky probably didn't know how to interact or feel anymore.

He finished the eggs, turning around to ask Bucky how he wanted his, but furrowed his brow when Bucky was no longer there. He turned the burner on low, poking his head into the room Bucky had originally gone to sleep in, and then into Steve's room, but he wasn't there. He knocked on the bathroom, but didn't see him there either. Worried, Steve ran for his phone, scrolling down to Tony's number. Before he could hit the dial button, Bucky was walking back in.

Steve set the phone back down, his brow still creased as he walked up to Bucky. "Where'd you go?"

"I just wanted to see if we had a balcony. I like being outside."

Steve's eyes softened. Of course he liked being outside. Years of being caged… It was a wonder Bucky was even standing inside right now. "We can eat outside," Steve suggested. "Food's ready. Just gotta make the toast."

Bucky nodded.

"You can go out. I'll bring it to you."

Bucky hesitated. Something crossed his face that Steve couldn't quite understand. It was a mixture of turmoil and hope. Steve wasn't sure how Bucky could even mix the two, but there it was.

"…You sure?" Bucky asked. "I can…"

"Bucky. Outside," Steve demanded through a small smile.

Bucky nodded, turning on his heel to go outside. Steve watched his feet. He walked from toe to heel. It was so unnatural but he moved like water. It was effortless; second nature. Steve guessed that's why he was so soft-footed.

He plopped the bread into the toaster and waited impatiently for it to pop. Bucky was different. He was fragile, and scared, but occasionally there'd be parts of him that showed through. His compassion wasn't something he could hide. He'd just pulled Steve into him last night, like he'd done years ago. He'd spoken such words of encouragement. Bucky was still in there. He just needed a bit of encouragement. Steve was willing to be patient.

The toast popped up. Steve plopped the pieces onto the plates and brought them out to Bucky. He was overlooking the balcony, looking straight down. "Careful," Steve warned, setting the plates down and rushing behind Bucky. He placed one hand on Bucky's shoulder and another at the small of his back to steady him.

Bucky laughed. "I like the rush of looking down. I'm not gunna fall."

Steve eyed Bucky warily before releasing the other, but he didn't sit down. The idea of Bucky looking over the balcony and all the way down unnerved Steve. He wasn't going to lose Bucky to another fall. He'd noticed that Bucky never cared about the small bits of intimate touching. It was hopeful. Maybe deep down…Bucky knew?

Bucky seemed to sense Steve's worrying, because he released the balcony and plopped down into the seat, pulling his plate closer to him. He eyed the eggs and picked up a piece of toast, analyzing it.

"Something wrong?" Steve asked as he sat down at his plate.

"I don't know if I like this," Bucky said.

"You used to eat about anything," Steve responded. "I wouldn't lead you astray."

Bucky nibbled a small bite of the toast. He scrunched up his nose.

"Eat it with the egg on it. You always ate it like that."

Bucky listened. It was astonishing how trusting he was. Steve could probably tell him to put XXX Hot Sauce on the eggs till they were dripping with the stuff and Bucky would do it. He wondered how much of that was HYDRA and how much of that was Bucky Barnes.

"Okay, I do like this," Bucky said as he chewed his food. He flashed a small half-smile and Steve felt like he was back in 1943, watching Bucky from across a table as he wolfed down whatever food that was in front of his face.

Steve chewed his food thoughtfully as they both fell into comfortable silence. Bucky was different, but it wasn't so much that he couldn't recognize his best friend; his lover. He held his orange juice in the air, his gaze trailing off after Bucky who'd already finished inhaling his food and was back to looking straight down.

Steve stood up, standing next to Bucky. He really didn't like him leaning over the railing like that.

Bucky leaned back, looking at Steve. His eyes were dark and for a moment there was a flash of confliction that dashed across his features, but he then smiled.

"Wanna go for a walk? May help you remember some stuff. We can check out our old places and our high school?"

Bucky nodded. "You sure Stark'll be okay with that?"

"Tony doesn't own me. As long as you stick close we'll be fine."

"You think it'll help?" Bucky asked, his face hardening. "You think I'll remember anything?"

"You remember you like eggs and toast. I consider that progress," Steve teased. Bucky didn't smile though. "You okay?"

Bucky seemed taken aback. His mouth hung open for a moment. Steve wanted to lean in. He wanted to curl his fingers into Bucky's hair and pull him so close that their lips collided, but he didn't. He waited patiently for Bucky to respond.

"Yeah. Just…" Bucky looked out at the city, gesturing with his flesh hand. "It just doesn't seem real. I keep thinking I'm gunna wake up from cryo with a new assignment."

Steve's jaw clenched as he thought about Bucky, frozen and cold inside a cryo chamber, blissful and frozen in time till someone wakes him and he's right back to the nightmare. He pulled Bucky into a hug, wishing so badly that he could just turn his lips in and press them against Bucky's temple. "You're here with me now," he said softly, smiling as Bucky wrapped his arms around Steve's torso. "You're going to wake up every day with me and HYDRA is never going to hurt you ever again."

Bucky breathed in heavily, resting his head on Steve's shoulder. "I remember…this." At first, Steve didn't know what Bucky was pertaining to, but Bucky kept talking. "I remember your arms. They're bigger now though."

Steve smiled, squeezing Bucky a bit tighter. Yes, his arms were bigger. He was bigger. Bucky had known that, but he thought Bucky was speaking from a time before the serum, which gave him so much hope.

Bucky pulled away first; a light blush dusting across his cheekbones. He turned toward the door, but his eyes didn't break from Steve's till he physically couldn't keep looking.

Steve stood there, watching as Bucky closed the door to go back inside. He heaved a large sigh, feeling his stomach flipping. He could do this. He could handle Bucky this close, yet being so far away. He could be patient. He said he'd be patient. He said he would be okay if they never were together again.

But that had been a lie. He needed Bucky again. He needed Bucky so badly.


	3. New York Hot Dogs

Thank you everyone for reading this! I love to hear your input and thoughts! I'm sorry my updates are slow (and if you're reading my other story I'm SOOOO sorry that's slow and left on that cliffhanger. I'm a law student and it's crunch time!

* * *

Bucky walked the streets of New York like a tourist. He pushed his face against every window, stopped at every vendor's table on the corners and listened to the countless languages spoken around him. He occasionally spoke back if he understood them. He loved seeing their reactions. A lot of the people instantly warmed up to him, others were embarrassed he'd heard them talking about how good looking Steve was.

He turned back, looking at Steve in his brown leather jacket and blue jeans. He looked like a western model. _'Why do I know what a western model is?' _His hair was spiked atop his head, lazily pointing in every direction and his face was smooth and clear of blemishes or scruff. Bucky touched his face, feeling the bristles of a light beard starting. He'd need to shave soon.

He smiled, trying his best to make it look genuine. He'd been struggling recently with making the smiles large and bright. He was sure he wasn't there yet, but Steve always smiled back. Bucky wished he could make his smile sparkle like Steve's did. Steve's smile lit up his entire face like a crystal catching the light. Bucky was astounded at how he managed to do that. He'd have to practice in front of a mirror.

Steve caught up, placing a firm hand on Bucky's metal shoulder. Bucky paused, looking up expectedly at Steve. There was a moment where Steve looked like he'd lost himself; his eyes had glazed over and went unfocused. Bucky shrugged his shoulder, just enough to snap Steve back into the present. Bucky hoped Steve wasn't second guessing his identity. He'd never understood how Steve just accepted him as James Barnes. They looked almost identical, sure, but there was a personality that Bucky couldn't emulate, a spark that just didn't want to catch; it was infuriating not being able to achieve such lively expressions that Barnes had in his pictures.

"You remembering anything?" Steve finally asked.

Bucky shrugged. "It seems familiar, but it's too bright." He'd known from the file that back in the 30's and 40's, New York wasn't so full of electronic advertising. It was a lie that was too easy to tell, and the hope that it brought out in Steve's eyes was worth every false syllable.

"It's not what it used to be, but it's still New York." Steve inhaled deeply. "Smells the same."

"Like body odor and something burning?" Bucky asked, genuinely curious. It wasn't entirely as bad as Bucky made it out to smell like, but he was pretty proud of his comparison.

Steve laughed, ruffling Bucky's hair. The motion was innocent and friendly, but Steve's eyes rounded and he recoiled. "S-sorry," he mumbled.

Bucky couldn't figure out how to look empathetic, so he shrugged. "You're good, Rogers." His voice was flat but he still earned a small smile out of Steve. They started walking again, side by side into the sea of bodies that enveloped them like hungry snakes that twirled and coiled around them. Bucky caught Steve's gaze several times, the guy just wouldn't let Bucky out of his sight. Bucky felt his feet tingle, like he'd just gone for a run. Had he run with Steve before? No…he'd just met him yesterday…right?

"We gotta stop here," Steve said, pointing to a hot dog stand. "Your life hasn't truly begun without a New York hot dog." His accent was more pronounced, as if the very city was coaxing it out of him, intoxicating him with its smells, scenery and people.

Bucky liked New York. He liked looking up at the sky and seeing the tall buildings that loomed over. He liked seeing all the people going about their ordinary lives, unaware that he could kill at least fifty of them before police could even arrive on scene. It was so busy. Bucky had been so used to HYDRA and his confinement that he didn't realize how much harder he had to work to breathe in the dark pits of the bank. It was so much lighter up here, so much easier to just inhale deeply and exhale all his worries.

"Bucky?" Steve asked. His brow was knit and he his hands were at his sides, ready to lunge if needed.

Bucky felt his heart sink. It seemed that Steve still wasn't entirely comfortable around Bucky. The mission had just begun, sure, but Bucky had been so caught up the small, intimate interactions of the morning and the night before that he'd forgotten he needed to make the other man realize he was alive as James Barnes; he'd allowed Steve to touch him without consent, and he'd pulled Steve into him as the man cried. Subtly wasn't exactly Bucky's style but it was all necessary now. Bucky needed to coax Steve into believing that he was James Barnes, which required pretending to get memories back, which required maybe a push or two so Steve felt safe around Bucky. "I'm fine, Steve. Just enjoying the smell of hot dogs," Bucky said. "I like hot dogs." It was another lie, he had no idea if he liked them or not, but he sure was going to pretend it was the best thing ever if it aided HYDRA.

Steve got in line, a small smile tugging at his lips. Bucky followed, cocking his head to the side curiously. "What?" he asked, blinking his steel-blue eyes.

"You loved hot dogs," Steve began. "When you were broke, you lived off them. When you had money, you still lived off them, only you went out to buy them from the stands."

Of course James Barnes loved hot dogs… and Bucky cursed inwardly that he'd stated he'd only liked them. He took a step closer to the hot dog stand as the line moved forward. "What's your favorite food?"

"Apple pie," Steve said without any hesitation. "Though I can appreciate a good hot dog too."

Bucky scrunched up his lips as he allowed himself to slip back into his thoughts. HYDRA was counting on him, or at least he thought they were. No one had come after him. No one was contacting him either. He wondered how Rumlow was. It'd been a month, but Bucky had no idea how extensive the injury had been. He'd lost contact with HYDRA the day Project Insight went down and Pierce died.

Guilt clawed its way up Bucky's throat as he thought of Pierce. The man had ambition, desire, passion… He was the embodiment of the future and this world had destroyed him. Bucky hadn't been there to protect him because he was out trying to prove to Steve he was James Barnes. This was Pierce's legacy. Everything counted on Bucky now, and he wasn't going to let Pierce down, even in death.

"Want relish?" Steve asked.

Bucky nodded. He didn't know what relish was and was rather put off when he saw the chunky green stuff that slathered up his hot dog, but he was going to eat it anyway. He'd eat it for Pierce.

Steve had paid for the hot dogs and the pair went to sit on a bench. Bucky watched the people walk by, taking note of the ways people moved. Some people were jerky or blocky, while others moved like feathers against skin. Why'd he know that sensation? He furrowed his brow, trying to think on the sensation. It was unique and it was ghosting up his left, bionic arm…

"You like it?" Steve asked, staring intently at Bucky.

Bucky took another bite, nodding enthusiastically. He didn't like how sweet the relish was, but the mustard helped calm it down a bit. He wasn't that big a fan of hot dogs… Guess that was just another thing he and James Barnes didn't have in common.

Steve seemed to notice Bucky's behavior, because he sighed, leaning back as he wrapped his arm atop the bench's backrest. "We can head back if this is too overwhelming for you."

Bucky forced himself to swallow the soggy hot dog. _'This shit's disgusting…'_ he thought bitterly. He suppressed the urge to vomit.

"You're not looking too good," Steve said, his hand coming to rest on Bucky's back. Bucky groaned, unable to deal with the hot dog anymore.

"M'sorry," he mumbled, swallowing the last bit of the dog. "I don't like hot dogs…" He looked up just in time to see the concern lace itself into Steve's eyes. Bucky was doing such a shit job at this mission. How could he get Steve to trust him enough if he couldn't even pretend to be James Barnes correctly? There had to be another way.

"Taste buds change every seven years or something," Steve said, obviously trying to find a logical reason for why his James Barnes wouldn't enjoy a hot dog. "I'm sure we'll find other foods you still enjoy."

'_But Barnes loved hot dogs…'_

Bucky leaned back, looking up at the sky. He loved seeing the clouds swarm lazily up in that big, blue sky. "I wanna go back."

Steve stood up, walking a few steps ahead of Bucky back in the direction of the tower. He cocked a brow when Bucky went the opposite direction. "Hey, Bucky that's the wrong way!"

"I meant back to our old places," Bucky said, feeling rather proud that he'd figured out a different way to lead Steve along in this mission.

"You remember that?"

It was in the file. "I think so. Wanna join me?" He outstretched his hand. Steve eyed it for a moment. Bucky could tell there was some sort of inner monologue going on beneath those eyes. Steve took Bucky's hand, offering a small smile. He pulled a hat out of his jacket pocket and pushed it down over his brow.

"What, you embarrassed to be holding my hand?" Bucky teased. He noticed Steve's ears go red.

"N-no," Steve said hastily. "It's just…I'm Captain America."

Bucky furrowed his brow, pausing in his steps as he tried to understand that logic. What did that have to do with anything? Captain America was a soldier, an ex SHIELD agent, an iconic image. He was well known, respected, probably even highly coveted. The pieces started to fall into place as Bucky analyzed Steve's shoulders as they dipped. He released the man's hand. "I get it," he said, surprised at how bitter his voice sounded. He felt...disappointed.

"B-Bucky," Steve said as he moved to catch up with Bucky's strides. "I'm always being watched. People are always pulling their phones out to take pictures of me or record me. Did you see the guy at the hot dog line taking a picture with me?"

Bucky hadn't. He'd been too caught up in his own mind.

"It wasn't okay back then either," Steve said. He clearly hadn't meant to say that, otherwise he wouldn't have brought up his hand to cover his mouth.

Bucky stopped, knitting his brow together as he pushed his lips into a hard line. "What wasn't okay?"

"We can talk about it later."

Bucky ran his tongue along the inside of his teeth, deciding if he should press on this or not. He noticed Steve's body language though, he was tense and on alert. It wasn't good to have this conversation out in the open. Though something good was coming from this. He'd officially confirmed that Captain Steve Rogers and Sergeant James Barnes had been lovers.

* * *

Bucky had led Steve to where Steve used to live. He looked up at the building, seeing the boards that hid the windows and noticed the graffiti. There were a few men loitering around on the corner of the street but Bucky wasn't worried about them.

"Times haven't been kind, huh?" Steve asked, coming to stand next to Bucky. "I feel a lot like this apartment building."

"What do you mean?" Bucky inquired, looking back up at the structure.

"Like a shell. I used to be something. I used to mean something. I had friends and…family." The hurt in his voice was as evident as rain on a cloudy, muggy morning. "I'm still not used to this…time. No matter who I befriend, or what I do. I still feel like I'm…not quite right."

Bucky remained silent, shuffling his feet as he thought of something to say. Steve was hurting. He'd always been hurting. Since the day James Barnes died, Steve Rogers had felt his heart fall from his chest. He'd endured the ice, only to wake up and relive the fact that Barnes was dead. He had to go day-to-day knowing that everyone he loved was either dead or dying. Every day he had to look in the mirror and realize all his mistakes and regrets.

Bucky grabbed Steve's hand, not caring if Steve was going to react badly. Something inside Bucky triggered, like an alarm blaring. It was controlling him and he didn't quite understand what it exactly was, but it was warm, and he enjoyed its sensation. "Thing is…" Bucky began. "You don't have to be alone." He watched Steve's neck muscles tense. "Cause I'm with you…"

Tears silently fell from Steve's eyes. He let out a shaky breath, squeezing Bucky's hand till it almost hurt. He looked toward the sky, letting the tears slide down his cheeks and down his neck. "Till the end of the line," Steve said in a raspy voice. "I'm with you…till the end of the line."

It was Bucky's turn to be startled. Those words… _'I know those words… Why do I know those words? '_

Steve wiped his tears with the cuff of his jacket. He laced his fingers with Bucky's.

Bucky didn't pull away. He didn't want to. This was what friends did. This was what lovers did. If James Barnes had been Steve's lover, then Bucky was going to be Steve's lover too. He didn't know entirely what that meant, but he'd do it. He'd do it for HYDRA…

…He'd do it for Steve.

* * *

It was dark before they got back to the tower. Tony was standing just outside the revolving doors; his arms were crossed and he sported a very disappointed face. Steve rolled his lips in, sucking on them before going up to Tony. "We miss curfew?" he said, trying to make light of the situation.

Tony looked to Bucky, his gaze was heavy; calculating. He didn't trust Bucky, Steve was very sure about that, but Tony trusted Steve and for now, it was evident that Tony would sit back and watch this play out. Steve was thankful for that. The Winter Soldier was now a known entity. He was a wanted man. Tony could easily report Bucky and then he'd be ripped from Steve's arms again.

"I said not to wander far from the tower," Tony stated. His voice carried a lot of authority. Steve felt himself instantly feeling guilty for disobeying.

"Bucky just wanted to see my old apartment," Steve said, looking over to Bucky. His eyes were shadowed, like two hollow holes in a skull. Steve winced.

"Well…next time you two pull a stunt like that, don't think I won't show up in a shiny suit yelling obscenities," Tony warned, turning on his heel and pushing through the revolving door.

Steve sighed. Today had started out looking like there'd be little progress, but by the time they'd arrived at his old apartment, things had started to fall into place. Bucky was there… his Bucky… He was just buried deep under HYDRA's years of brainwashing, cryo and the memory wipes. Steve was sure that if he spent more time with Bucky that his old self would slowly start showing up more and more.

'_But he doesn't like hot dogs.'_

They'd walked silently into the tower, going to the elevator. Neither looked at the other and neither decided to speak. It was clear Bucky was just as deep in his head as Steve was in his. Bucky had been that way all day long. Steve wished he'd tell him what was on his mind.

Bucky used to be so animated. Steve could read his face like the pages of a book back in the day. If Bucky was feeling particularly reserved, Steve used to have to kiss it out of him. He'd start at the tops of those high cheek bones; work down along the smooth bone before trailing down to the sides of Bucky's lips. _G_od, he missed those lips. He'd take his tongue and trace the bottom lip, usually earning enough laughter to break Bucky's silence. It always worked. Steve was sure that kind of stunt wouldn't fly with this Bucky though… This Bucky was colder no matter how hard he tried not to be. And Steve could see he was trying in earnest. He didn't know if it was more for Bucky's sake or his own though.

They'd arrived at their suite. Bucky shuffled off the elevator first, stretching out his neck and shoulders as he walked. "I'm beat," he said softly.

Steve followed silently, thinking of the days where those words would lead to snuggling on the bed as they listened to whatever was on the radio, looking out the window. "Wanna watch some TV?" Steve asked.

Bucky shook his head. Steve watched as the strands of hair whisked from side to side with the motion. He missed Bucky's old, sharp hair, but he wasn't going to suggest a haircut. He knew Bucky wasn't ready for that. "I wanna talk to you," Bucky said instead.

Steve felt his heart flutter. He sat on the couch, resting his arm atop its back. He watched as Bucky's brow knit. He listened to his increased breathing as it went from silent to soft, short little huffs. He was nervous. "Bucky…" Steve said. He cocked his head to the side. "It's okay."

Bucky ran the tip of his tongue along his top lip slowly. "About earlier," he started. He stood in front of Steve, shifting his weight from side to side.

"Look, I'm sorry," Steve interjected. "That was rude. I didn't mean to push you away-"

"You didn't push me away," Bucky said firmly. He kneeled in front of Steve, placing his hands on Steve's knees. Steve felt his breathing hitch in the back of his throat. Now it was him that was breathing in short huffs.

"I get it. You're Captain America. You've got people looking up to you and stuff," Bucky said, his eyes downcast and off to the side. Steve wished he'd just look at him. No, no he didn't. If Bucky looked at him, Steve would kiss him. He couldn't push himself on Bucky. He said he'd be patient. But God, was it ever hard to be patient when Bucky was right there. He wasn't the same, sure. He behaved differently, moved differently and even had different parts, but he was still James Barnes. It was still there. It was the subtle way he'd grabbed Steve's hand and the comforting words he'd uttered at the old apartment. Bucky was still there.

"You said something though," Bucky said, his voice trailing off. He bit his bottom lip.

Steve had to suck his lips in to keep from claiming that red mouth with his.

"About that it wasn't…okay…before." Bucky was leading him into the conversation, forcing him into a funnel so that Steve had no option but to answer. He was so much smarter than the old Bucky used to be.

"Do you really want to know?" Steve asked. He squeezed the couch, doing his best not to interlock his hands into those brown tresses that draped Bucky's face.

Bucky nodded. "Please."

Steve fought off the urge to moan. Why was this turning him on so badly? Bucky's eyes were open; clear of their murky, dead demeanor from before. They were cold, but they were crystal-blue and round and innocent and…Jesus…

"We were together," Steve breathed out. _'If you keep your hands there much longer….'_

Bucky must have sensed how deep his touch was affecting Steve, because he sat back on his heels, placing his hands into his lap. He looked like a child…sitting there waiting to be told a bed time story. He'd sucked his bottom lip in and was just letting it slide out; slowly, tauntingly.

Steve swallowed hard, trying to center himself as his hands began to shake. He didn't know how Bucky would react. Would he get angry? Would he be happy? Confused? Afraid? Curious? There were so many alternatives that Steve couldn't picture which was the most plausible, but Bucky wanted to know, and Steve wasn't going to lie to him. "Lovers," he clarified.

He listened as Bucky let out a long sigh. Bucky's shoulders slumped. He looked a bit relieved. Maybe he'd known all along? Maybe he…remembered?

"Say something," Steve said, anxious to not be the only voice he heard in the room.

Bucky stood up, it was abrupt and rather unsettling as he loomed momentarily over Steve. "I need to shave."

Steve sat there with his mouth hanging open as Bucky walked into the bathroom. That was it? That was the reaction? Steve wanted to follow Bucky. He wanted to press those thoughts out of that man's clouded, dark head! He felt completely and utterly embarrassed and way too revealed for his comfort, but Bucky had been the one whom he shared all those memories with! The very man that walked into the bathroom to shave was the very man that had held him at night; that moaned his name softly as Steve had rocked his hips into him… That man… That was Bucky. That had been Bucky. How could they have shared such a strong bond, such a strong love and this be the result of it? It had been cultivated for years, stemming awkwardly from high school and into their adult lives. All that sacrifice, all those nights of hiding it and pretending that one day they'd just find a way to be together and this was the result?

Steve wanted to break down. Instead…he sat there, staring at his shoes as he slowly kicked them off, not caring that he hadn't taken them off right at the door. He couldn't hear the buzzing of the electric razor, so Steve could only assume Bucky was using a knife. It would take longer that way. Was Bucky avoiding him? Was this how he showed he was upset about their past? Was he disgusted?

Steve sucked down a large gulp of air, trying to calm his nerves. He'd speak to Bucky like an adult. They'd have this conversation. Bucky had opened it up, so Steve wasn't going to sit there and let it end like this. Ever since the day when Bucky pulled Steve from the Potomac, Steve spent countless hours doing all he could to find Bucky. He'd devised plans, travel routes, made calls… He'd done everything without physically leaving D.C in the hopes he'd find Bucky again. He wasn't going to lose him over this…because there was no reason for it. They had been lovers. That man in the bathroom and him. They had been lovers and Steve wasn't going to just let that go!

He heard the door creak as Bucky came out of the bathroom. His face was clean shaven, but that wasn't why Steve was staring, slack jawed and dumbfounded. Bucky had cut his hair. It wasn't entirely a clean cut and some strands were longer than others, but he'd used some gel that Steve kept in the bathroom to smooth it to one side. He looked exactly like he did the day he fell from the train.

"C'mere," Bucky breathed out.

Steve was up in an instant. He pulled Bucky into a strong hug, feeling his arms start to shake as he kept seeing Bucky's old smile in his mind, hearing his old laugh ghosting around him. This wasn't…exactly the Bucky he remembered, but the man was trying to be his old self. Steve couldn't expect him to be the same after all the horror he'd experienced. He'd been foolish to think it possible.

Bucky pressed a soft kiss into Steve's jaw line. It was light; innocent, but it was all that Steve needed to push him over. He needed this. He needed Bucky. He'd waited too long to be reunited with him. He crushed their lips together hungrily, earning a surprised yelp from Bucky's throat. He pushed the slightly smaller man against the wall, pulling Bucky's hands into his and lacing them at their sides as he tickled his tongue against Bucky's, as if he was waiting for permission to explore Bucky's hot mouth.

Bucky hesitated, which made Steve nervous and he instantly pulled away, but he kept their chests pressed together. "I'm sorry," he breathed out.

Bucky's cheeks were flushed and his eyes were full of an emotion that Steve wasn't entirely sure he could understand. Fear? Sadness?

"Don't stop," Bucky said, jerking his chin up lightly, like he wanted Steve's mouth but he just couldn't risk being the one to clash their lips. Steve was all too happy to oblige. He let go of Bucky's hands, feeling the cold steel of Bucky's arm wrap around the back of his neck as Bucky hugged him closely, pressing their bodies flesh against each other.

Steve's lips met Bucky's once more. Their kiss was deeper, more desperate. Their tongues lolled against each other, like waves greeting white beaches. Steve lifted Bucky up, wrapping the man's legs around his torso.

Bucky moaned.

Steve had never done this before… Bucky had always been the one to claim him. He wasn't sure he'd know entirely what to do but he didn't want any reason to back down now. He had Bucky. Bucky was here and in his arms and he was kissing him as feverishly as Steve was kissing Bucky. It was there. Their love was still there.

Steve broke off the kiss, placing wet, sloppy kisses down Bucky's smooth jaw line, then down along the veins in his neck. Steve lightly traced the pulsating veins with his tongue, smiling as he earned a soft giggle from Bucky.

Their dynamic had changed. Bucky used to be Steve's protector. His guardian angel. At night, Bucky would hold Steve so close it was if they'd blend into one being. It was Steve's turn. Steve would protect Bucky. He'd look over Bucky like a guardian angel. _He'd_ hold Bucky so close at night it would be like they'd blend into one being.

He carried Bucky into the bedroom, still lapping at whatever skin he could reach, nibbling softly at the sensitive skin, relishing in the soft hisses Bucky released as the pain was just enough to get a rise out of him.

He dropped Bucky onto the bed, kissing him passionately a few times before breaking off and removing his shirt. It was then he saw Bucky's shaking fingers. He grabbed them, petting them with his own fingers. "We don't have to do this. We can go slow." He didn't want to go slow. He wanted this now. He needed this, but he was willing to sacrifice anything when it came to Bucky.

Bucky's eyes were downcast. Steve couldn't guess what he was thinking in the darkness of the room. "I…" he said softly. "I don't know what I want."

Steve pulled Bucky into his lap, turning him around so his back was against Steve's chest. "Well then I'm not doing anything till you say it's okay."

Bucky had suffered enough at the hands of HYDRA. He'd been through enough mental rape. Steve wasn't going to add physical to that list either, if it hadn't already been added….

Bucky leaned his head back, nipping at Steve's chin. "I want you," he whispered. "I just…don't know how."

Steve laughed. It clearly startled Bucky as his back muscles tensed, but Steve couldn't help it. They were both fish, floundering around and grabbing at straws then. "We can take this slow," he said lowly, kissing Bucky's shoulder slowly, sucking in the skin and lapping at it lovingly.

Bucky hummed in content. Steve needed that sound. He laced his fingers with Bucky's as he kept kissing Bucky's shoulder, inching closer to Bucky's neck as he kept nipping and lapping at the skin; dotting that porcelain skin with glistening wet kisses.

"Is this what lovers do?" Bucky asked. Steve watched as he crossed his legs, curling in his toes. He was too scared. It was evident in his body language. No matter the words, Steve knew these small expressions. Steve had become fluent in Bucky's body language years ago.

"It's optional," Steve answered.

Bucky turned in Steve's arms, wrapping his legs around Steve's torso. "I want to…"

Steve bit his bottom lip as he felt Bucky's hard-on press against his stomach. As much as Steve wanted to…this wasn't right. Bucky was holding back. There was too much fear in his body language, no matter what his body was saying. His voice was uneven and shaking. Steve couldn't bring himself to take advantage of Bucky. He was too impressionable. Steve was going to need the longest cold shower…

"We're not doing this," Steve stated. His brows shot up as Bucky responded with a panicked expression. "It's okay," he said, lightly brushing his fingers up and down Bucky's arms; metal and flesh. "We've got the rest of our lives for this."

Bucky pressed his head into Steve's chest. "I don't…know what I'm doing…" he cried, his voice finally breaking as his shoulders shook with slow sobs. "I'm so sorry."

Steve cupped Bucky's face, raising it to meet Steve's eyes. "You don't have anything to be sorry for."

Bucky huffed, it was cynical and alarming to Steve, but he tried to ignore it, wishing Bucky would come out and say what was on the surface of his mind. Bucky pressed his lips softly against Steve's. The kiss was soft, slow and uncertain, but it spoke volumes to Steve. Bucky wasn't ready, but he was trying. He was trying for Steve…

"I never dreamed of finding someone like you," Bucky said, dropping his head into Steve's shoulder. "I knew guys as big as you…but none of them looked after me the way you do."

Steve furrowed his brow, realizing Bucky was speaking about HYDRA. He wrapped his arms around Bucky, using one hand to trace thoughtless figures against Bucky's back, wincing each time as he felt another scar. "We don't have to talk about this," Steve whispered.

"I want to," Bucky said, whispering back. "I need you to know."

Steve nodded into the darkness, unsure if Bucky knew he had or not. His eyes glazed over as he thought of the experiments, the torture, the brainwashing… Bucky had faced horrors. If Steve hadn't put that plane into the ice… If he'd come back to look for Bucky…

"No one's ever talked to me the way you do," Bucky said, kissing Steve's shoulder. "Or looked at me the way you do." He kissed the crook of Steve's neck.

Steve closed his eyes in response to the sensation.

"Or respected me the way you do…" He kissed Steve's lips; his pink tongue jutting out to trace Steve's bottom lip before placing another kiss against Steve's lips.

Steve's mind was clouding again. If he didn't stop this, he'd come to resent himself for pushing Bucky too far come morning. "Bucky…" he gasped. He stopped Bucky from going in for another kiss as he pushed the man's shoulder's back, locking their gazes.

"I don't…" The look of confusion that feathered down against Bucky's face was astonishing. "I don't wanna lose you."

"You're not gunna lose me," Steve breathed, smiling goofily. "Till the end of the line, pal."

Bucky scrunched up his face, like he felt those words were out of place. Perhaps they were, at least at this point in time. Perhaps he'd uttered only part of them at the apartment because only that part had come back. Steve had to keep remembering that for all the small bits of Bucky that shined through, this man was still a new Bucky. He'd had around seventy years of HYDRA. He'd had to reinvent himself each and every time, even if he didn't realize he was doing it.

"So…what do we do now?" Bucky asked, cocking a smooth brow.

Steve laughed, pressing his head lightly against Bucky's shoulder before looking back up. "Take cold showers and awkwardly make conversation later?"

The laugh that Steve earned from Bucky was breathtaking. It was carefree; light. Bucky's crooked smile melted the icy shadows of his face.

Steve reached up, tracing those swollen lips with his thumb. Bucky only responded by parting his lips more. "Do you have any idea how beautiful you are?" Steve kissed Bucky's cheek lightly.

"I don't know what beauty really is," Bucky responded honestly. "But I think it's you."

Steve chuckled. He pulled Bucky's legs up gently, before releasing himself from their grasp. He stood up, awkwardly pulling at the fabric that had bunched around his penis. It was still half hard. He really wished he didn't have as much morality as he had. He could be half way through making love to Bucky by now.

I'm…gunna go take a shower," he said awkwardly, before shrugging and skittering out of the room. He smiled into the dark hallway as he heard Bucky's laugh from behind the door.

* * *

Bucky face-planted the bed, groaning into the pillows. He said he'd do anything for Pierce's mission to succeed. He said he'd be Steve's lover. He'd gotten so far! He rolled over, staring up at the ceiling fan that spun lazily in the silver moonlight. It had felt good…kissing Steve. It certainly warmed his insides and brought forth an aching, throbbing sensation in his dick. Why was he so scared? He was sure that Steve would never hurt James Barnes and that was even more evident at Steve's rejection of Bucky's advances when he couldn't control his shaking.

Bucky had been so confident the haircut and shave would work too… He looked just like Barnes now. He wondered if HYDRA had altered his face for this mission. He wouldn't be surprised. How else would he look _identical_ to the late James Barnes? Today had started out rocky, but it had gotten better at Rogers' old apartment, and it had only gotten better after they'd gotten back to the tower, but it had all backfired. Bucky had failed. He'd been so caught up in being worried about how he was feeling that he just couldn't go forward with it.

He'd been so caught off guard by how attached he was feeling to Steve that it completely blocked his ability to turn off and let Steve do whatever he wanted to his body. He'd been so afraid that if this happened, he would be compromised. Steve was captivating. Once Bucky had started kissing him, he never wanted to stop. The exhilaration that had tickled his insides like an explosion of butterflies was intoxicating. He wasn't prepared for this. He wasn't prepared to feel so…alive.

He sat up, listening to the shower's rhythm as Steve stood under the streams. Bucky tried to picture what he looked like naked. He'd felt Steve's cock against his own as their legs had intertwined. He'd felt big. It startled Bucky at how excited that made him feel. He felt his fingers start to shake again.

Steve was…so unique. HYDRA would be blessed to have such a soldier at their disposal. He could do so much for them; much more than the Asset had ever done. Steve wasn't the type to hide in the shadows. He led from the front. He captivated audiences and swayed hearts. Bucky couldn't picture Steve being frozen in cryo, waiting to be pulled out for the occasional kill mission. He was a leader.

Which was why Bucky's hands started to shake so much more as he wrapped his arms around his torso. Steve wouldn't be good for Red Room. If he couldn't be persuaded to HYDRA's cause…

Bucky was going to have to put a bullet between those beautiful eyes…

* * *

Let me know your thoughts! I love hearing them! 3 Also, this story gets updated at Archive of Our Own as well under the pen name of L1av. So if you see it there, that's me as well!


	4. That Thing

WARNING!: This chapter contains sexual encounters of the homosexual type. Please remember this is rated M and is a Stucky fiction! (If you haven't already guessed from the kissing from the last chapter. XD)

Thank you all for reviewing and adding to your favorites and whatnot! I love hearing from you so keep it coming! 3

* * *

They'd been together for several weeks now. Bucky had started to keep a notebook that evaluated his progress with Steve and his "recommendations." He resided in turmoil over his decisions. Each bullet point he had was another reason he had to find a way to convince Steve HYDRA was a cause getting behind because each bullet point was another reason why Steve wouldn't work for Red Room.

He liked Steve. He enjoyed their "date nights" where Steve took him to a restaurant to introduce him to foods he'd never experienced. He liked their walks along the rocky shores of the Hudson River and how they got to hold hands the entire time. He even liked spending movie nights with Steve's friends.

Being a lover wasn't difficult. Everything came so naturally to Bucky that it was like he'd done it in a past life. Perhaps he had been with someone before HYDRA saved him, but he didn't know anymore. James Barnes had been with Steve Rogers, and Bucky was going to be with Steve Rogers, at least until he reported back to HYDRA and waited for their answers of his evaluations.

He still had no contact from them. It was starting to worry Bucky. What if he'd been abandoned? What if they thought he was dead? He stared at his notebook, thinking about being utterly alone in the world with no HYDRA agents to keep watch of him. It was harrowing and made Bucky shiver. He couldn't wait any longer. He needed to return to D.C to speak to Rumlow. Rumlow was the only one left that Bucky knew by name. Bucky needed to see him.

Bucky looked up from the pages of his notebook as Steve walked in, carrying several paper bags full to the brim with groceries. Bucky stood up, making sure to slam his notes shut before grabbing one of the bags from Steve. Luckily Steve encouraged Bucky too keep a "journal" and kept away from it. Tony Stark on the other hand was another story...and Bucky had to always hide the notebook where the man couldn't find it.

Steve smiled, thanking Bucky silently for the help.

"Got stuff to make enchilada casserole since you liked it so much last time," Steve said as he started to unpack the groceries; opening up all the cabinets for easier access.

Bucky's gaze scanned the cans of beans, the raw beef and some of the spices. "Will you teach me how to cook?" he asked.

Steve paused as he opened the refrigerator, getting ready to put some orange juice away. "You wanna learn to cook?"

Bucky shrugged, jumping up to sit on the island so he could swing his feet. "I feel like a leech. I just wanna do something for you."

Steve sighed, walking over to Bucky. He pressed his body between Bucky's legs, cupping Bucky's face and running his fingers through Bucky's hair with the other. "You're not a leech."

Bucky felt uncomfortable under Steve's heavy gaze. Ever since the night Bucky cut his hair, they hadn't done anything like that again, but Bucky could tell Steve wanted to. Steve's interactions with Bucky had become more desperate, more sexually driven. Bucky hated feeling so afraid. He didn't know if he'd done anything like that before. He didn't know _how_ to do that! Pierce hadn't put it in his programming and Pierce certainly never showed him how, so was it okay? Was it allowed within the parameters of the mission? Pierce said Bucky should do anything…did this count as something?

Bucky felt his fingers twitching as they started to lightly shake. Steve caught it too, because he immediately pressed both of his hands above and below Bucky's hand, using the top hand to lightly trace the blue veins underneath the pale skin. "Bucky…you're not a leech."

Bucky sighed, feeling a bit more comfortable that Steve thought this was about his lack of contribution. He offered a small, forced smile, but it was full of uncertainty and anguish.

"You know you can tell me anything, right?" Steve questioned, kissing Bucky on the forehead.

Bucky's heart fluttered at the sensation. The kiss was light but it sent ripples of pleasure through Bucky's body. His metal arm even responded by hissing lightly. Bucky couldn't tell Steve "anything." He couldn't tell Steve that he'd been assigned to masquerade as James Barnes. He couldn't tell Steve that he had been lying to him from day one. How did other HYDRA spies do this? How did they get so close to their targets and still managed to keep their distance?

"I just wanna learn how to cook something," Bucky said, trying to keep his distance. He scooted back on the island, feeling his thighs release Steve's body. He watched Steve's brow furrow slightly, but he knew the other man wouldn't press the issue. Bucky had started to appreciate how Steve was always walking on eggshells with him. At first he thought it was Steve's lack of trust in him, but now he'd come to realize Steve would do anything and everything to calm Bucky's nerves or make him happy. Bucky had won him over; that much was evident.

"I'll teach you tonight," Steve said going back over to put the rest of the groceries away.

Someone knocked a few times at the door. Bucky stood up, going to open it. Tony Stark stood there, leaning against the doorframe.

"You know, I always have this internal battle if I should just open the door…since I own this place…or knock. I seem to keep knocking…but I own this place," he rambled.

Bucky's eyes fell into lazy slits as he looked at Tony. Tony…did not trust Bucky. He'd already grilled Bucky about using his computer to search Steve and Barnes' past. He'd come back again and again to take blood samples and do MRI scans on Bucky's body and CT scans on his mind. His questions were always loaded and frankly, Bucky just wanted to slit Tony's throat.

Tony brushed by, shoving his shoulder against Bucky's as he did so. Bucky responded by turning his body slightly, so that he was looking over his shoulder but his back was facing Tony. If he only had a knife…

Steve smiled, looking up from the groceries. "Hey, Tony! Wanna hang out and eat dinner later?"

Bucky turned to Steve, his eyes pleading. That was the last thing Bucky wanted.

Tony seemed to catch Bucky's expression because the man simply shrugged. "I hate your cooking."

Bucky was sure it was a lie, especially since Tony had been over here a few nights ago with Romonov and Barton, praising Steve's cooking skills to high heaven.

Steve scoffed. "You wound me," he teased as he finished up with the groceries. "Everything okay?"

Tony's eyes rounded. He looked around the room as if he was searching for something that could be wrong. "Everything's great. Why wouldn't it be great? You two having trouble in paradise? I know a guy for that."

Steve rolled his eyes.

Bucky walked around the island, never taking his gaze off Tony. He could tell Tony knew he was watching him, stalking him like a predator watched prey.

"HYDRA movement," Tony said finally.

Bucky did his best to remain still. Was HYDRA coming for him? Would he finally be able to shove a knife in Tony Stark's throat? He really hoped he could finally shove a knife in Tony Stark's throat. A cold grip squeezed his heart as he thought of Steve. Would he have to kill him already? It had been three weeks, but Bucky hadn't entirely made up his assessment on Steve Rogers yet. There was great potential in him for HYDRA, but he hadn't decided what he was going to do about Red Room or trying to simply convince him to the cause. He needed more time. He needed more…intimacy.

"We should talk about this outside," Steve said hesitantly, his gaze flicking to Bucky.

"No. I need to hear it," Bucky said, knitting his brow.

Tony shrugged. "I've successfully data mined all HYDRA and SHIELD files. They talk in code a lot. Did you know that? That shit's hard to figure out-"

"Get to the point, Tony," Steve growled.

Bucky liked watching this. He liked watching Steve's shoulders broaden out. He enjoyed seeing his chin raise as he held it proudly. This was a side that Bucky hadn't seen yet. He hadn't seen Steve in action and suddenly he felt foolish for feeling like he could have properly assessed Steve Rogers without such a side. He couldn't determine Red Room or not without combat.

"Some rats have come up for air. We think they're headed to D.C."

"Why there?" Steve asked, crossing his arms.

"The bank that they kept Barnes in," Tony began, his gaze seemingly scanning Bucky for any abnormalities. "They left a lot of equipment. Without SHIELD around, the CIA went in to grab it and monitor the place. They probably want it back. There's a lot of research in there. Stuff that wasn't part of the data mining."

"And?" Steve pressed.

"We think they're starting up another Asset program," Natasha Romonov said from the door. Bucky was surprised he hadn't realized she was there. He didn't like how easy it was for her to sneak up on him.

"You've got to be kidding me," Steve said flabbergasted. "Do you think they're coming after us?"

Romonov shrugged. It was impossible to read her face. "We don't even know if they know about Barnes. We just know they want all the data that Barnes gave them."

"So…we go grab it first? Get whatever the CIA got?" Steve asked.

"No," Romonov said. "We go…we as in Tony, Clint, Sam and me. You two stay here."

Bucky didn't like that plan. If he was kept here, he couldn't get to Rumlow. He'd thought it would be easy to request a trip to D.C. He thought he could have pretended that something was there he remembered and he needed it to keep remembering, but now it seemed like they were trying to keep him locked in a cage.

"I can't ask you to do that," Steve said.

Romonov held up her hand, silencing Steve. "No if's and's or but's, Steve. You two sit tight. We've got Banner flying in today to also help out here if anything goes wrong."

"You're going to unleash the Hulk on New York again?" Steve questioned.

Bucky just furrowed his brow. He had no idea what a Hulk was.

"He's getting better at controlling it. And he's not here for muscle. He's here to be additional eyes." She shrugged again. "Besides, he's your friend and he's worried about you."

"I'm fine. We're both fine. We're just working though it a day at a time," Steve argued. He shot Bucky a pleading look, as if asking for Bucky to do something that would present evidence that things were going fine. Truthfully, things had been going fine. Bucky had been enjoying his time with Steve, but he was far from completing his mission. He needed to see Steve in action which meant he needed them to get to D.C.

"I'm remembering stuff," Bucky finally said. That silenced the room. He licked his lips thoughtfully. "Yeah, my favorite color's green and I remember…mostly bad shit. About my missions."

Steve made a strained sound in the back of his throat. Bucky should have dropped some hints about this before, but it had never been necessary, so here he was, pushing more lies up as he tried to figure a way to get to D.C. "I can help you," he said firmly. "I know HYDRA better than any of you."

"I seem to recall them putting a fairly recent memory wipe down on you," Tony countered. He wasn't buying it. He didn't even hide how much he wasn't buying it.

"That was two months ago," Steve said. "He's been remembering stuff. I've seen it."

Romonov moved before Bucky, her hips swaying like a leopard. She cocked her head to the side, evaluating him in ways Bucky couldn't figure out. "You want to help take down HYDRA?"

Bucky's brow furrowed. If he thought Tony's questions had been loaded as of late, this one was full to the brim. "I want to help Steve," he answered carefully.

Her shoulders relaxed and she looked back to Tony, speaking with her eyes rather than her mouth.

"Fine," Tony said. "You two can come. It'll be one giant party," Tony said sarcastically, moving for the door.

"He's just grumpy because he's worried," Romonov said to Steve before following Tony out of the suite.

Steve sighed heavily, dropping down into the couch. He ran his fingers through his hair, shoving the blonde spikes in various directions.

Bucky moved to sit beside him. He wrapped his metal arm around Steve's shoulders, hesitating when Steve's body stiffened for a second. "S-sorry," he mumbled.

"It's just cold," Steve said, going to lace his fingers between the metal ones. "It'll warm up."

Bucky relaxed, resting his head atop Steve's. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you," he lied. He didn't tell Steve about the memories because they weren't real. They weren't there. It had all been a ploy to make sure Bucky was heading to D.C. Thankfully it worked.

Steve huffed in response. Bucky wasn't sure if that was because he accepted the apology or because he was angry, so he kept pressing the subject. "I was gunna tell you," he began. "I just…wanted to make sure it was real."

Steve leaned up, grabbing Bucky's chin. The motion was rough and demanded Bucky's complete attention. Their eyes locked as Steve looked to be searching for something in Bucky's eyes. Bucky felt anxious. Was his cover blown? Was this it? He pulled his metal arm from around Steve's shoulders, curling the fingers into a fist.

"You don't have to explain anything to me. I get it. You need time." Steve released Bucky's chin, dropping his face into his own hands again. "I've been pushing you. I shouldn't have."

Bucky relaxed his metal fingers, feeling his shoulders slump as the muscles settled into their natural positions. "You haven't been pushing me," Bucky countered.

"No," Steve said, cutting him off. "No I have. I pushed our relationship back on you before you even remembered it. It's bad enough having a guy going, "Oh hey we used to be buds!" but for me to force you into my bed already?"

"I snuck into your bed," Bucky stated.

Steve rolled his eyes. "I didn't mean that. I meant…that night."

Bucky laced his fingers into Steve's, running his thumb over Steve's knuckles. "You didn't push me though. We stopped exactly where it needed to be."

"I didn't want to," Steve breathed out, his gaze glazing in desire. Bucky shifted, knowing this could go one of two ways. He could initiate this, but then he'd have to commit to it, or he could just keep it a conversation, but then he'd have an even more desperately, anxious Steve, and he wasn't sure which was better. Would this help HYDRA? Would him sleeping with Steve further their goals? He'd do it if it would…he just didn't know for sure. Was this part of being a spy? He didn't really even know _how_ to sleep with someone. He had a general, instinctive concept but...that was that.

He enjoyed being with Steve. He enjoyed all the attention and the choices that were given to him as Steve asked him small things like what he wanted to eat or if he was tired or wanted to go out. HYDRA had never given him that, but they'd given him purpose; an identity. Steve was giving Bucky free will, a life to make his own, and Bucky wasn't sure which one was better anymore. He believed in HYDRA…

But he was beginning to believe in Steve.

"Steve," Bucky whispered, cupping Steve's face. He delighted in the way Steve pressed his cheek further into Bucky's palm. Smiling was still difficult for Bucky. He'd mastered the crooked smile, but he was sure there was something dark still about his eyes. He couldn't glisten like Steve, but he did his best. "You didn't push me."

Steve pressed his face into Bucky's collarbone, pushing Bucky back so Steve was resting his head on Bucky's chest. Bucky wrapped his arms around the blonde man.

"I don't know what HYDRA programmed you to do…or not to do. I just…I didn't want you going along with this because someone else told you that's how to behave."

Bucky's heart stuttered as his eyes snapped wide open. He was glad Steve's eyes were downcast. HYDRA had programmed him to obey. Pierce had instructed him to do anything for Steve. This was a mission, and Steve's worries were exactly what Bucky was doing, but it wasn't that simple. Bucky also enjoyed the intimacy. He liked Steve's touches and his kisses.

Bucky kissed the top of Steve's head, trying desperately to stop this conversation. He didn't want to think about HYDRA's programming. Questioning the programming always lead to massive headaches and a misery that Bucky could never understand. Wait…why did he know this? He hadn't questioned it…? Why…why did he know this?

No. No he needed this to stop. He couldn't think about this. Desperately, Bucky pulled Steve's face to his, clashing his lips against Steve's. He felt his stubble graze roughly against Steve's chin. He tasted the fleshy, slightly sweet taste that was Steve's tongue and felt the taste buds as they grazed against Bucky's tongue.

He wrapped his legs around Steve, desperately, rocking his hips slightly as he impatiently tried to drown the thoughts from his head. He wouldn't question HYDRA. He couldn't! It was…against his very nature.

Steve moaned, trying to stabilize himself as he braced his weight against one of his arms on the couch's arm. Bucky didn't like that. He wanted all of Steve. He wanted Steve's weight against him. He needed it. He knocked Steve's arm and the man came crashing atop him. Bucky rolled them off the couch and onto the floor; their lips never separating.

He rolled atop Steve, kissing the man's cheekbones, licking down his cheeks to nibble on the lobe of his ear. He relished in the sounds Steve made. They were breathy, husky sounds that sounded like mountains crumbling and gentle, morning winds. Bucky needed more of it. He needed to drown out his thoughts of HYDRA.

He lifted Steve's shirt, as his fingers explored Steve's cut abdomen, tickling over the side's of the man's stomach, earning a few giggles. He brushed his nose against Steve's. Their gazes locked for a moment as Bucky evaluated Steve's face. His lips were swollen and his eyes were desperate, pleading for this to keep going. There was fear though and Bucky had a pretty good idea why, but he wouldn't say anything. His words were meaningless. He would do this. He'd prove to himself he was dedicated to HYDRA. He'd lie to Steve and show he was dedicated to him...

He pressed his lips against Steve's again before trailing wet, loud kisses down the man's jaw line and to his neck where he lapped at the skin, nipping and sucking loudly. Steve's fingers laced into Bucky's short hair, pulling him back up to Steve's lips where they fought for dominance, shoving their teeth and tongues into each other's mouths. It was animalistic; predatory, but Bucky was so excited he didn't care that he'd bit Steve's tongue too hard. He didn't care that he could taste blood. It only excited him further. He felt…in charge. Like he could say or do anything and Steve would listen to him. It was intoxicating; freeing.

Bucky moaned, allowing the sensations to wash over him like a tidal wave, crashing into his senses and drowning him in a pleasant hum as his body radiated with desire. He liked Steve. He was dedicated to HYDRA. He could do this. It was all coming naturally, like he'd done it so many times before.

He ripped Steve's shirt, earning a gasp from the other man as he smiled devilishly, biting lightly at Steve's nipples before swirling his tongue around them to ease the pain Bucky was sure he'd created. He rocked his hips into Steve's again, feeling their hard-on's press against each other. He moved to the other nipple, kissing it and swirling his tongue before biting, earning a hiss from Steve as he jerked Bucky's head away. "That hurts," he said lightly, but there was a smile on his lips.

"Let me make it better?" Bucky asked, surprised at his tone. It was husky, greedy and there was…something else, but he couldn't place exactly what. It was like Steve's voice, all deep and sultry and…alive? Yes. It sounded alive.

Steve nodded, dropping his head against the hardwood floor as Bucky's mouth returned to Steve's chest, lapping, and sucking at the tortured nipple. He delighted in the groans that he pulled from Steve's throat. He loved how Steve would buck his hips when the pleasure became too much. Bucky wanted this. He wanted to explore Steve's body, hear his moans and gasps. He wanted to feel this. He wanted to feel alive. HYDRA never allowed him to have this, and now he was going to take it for himself.

He played with the waistband on Steve's pants, rocking his hips a few times into Steve's, lolling them lazily but forcefully enough so that he could feel Steve's entire length against his own, aching cock.

"Bucky," Steve grabbed his wrist and for a moment Bucky thought Steve would deny him this, deny him the ability to feel such exhilarating feelings and his only chance at feeling like he wasn't just a weapon, but a person, living and breathing with needs and desires. "You sure?"

Bucky answered with a chaste kiss. "I need this," he whispered against Steve's lips. "Please let me have this."

Steve moaned against Bucky's lips, jerking his hips upward again, grazing their cocks together. "Okay."

Bucky unbuttoned Steve's pants, tugging at them till they were mid-thigh. Steve was large. His cock was pressed up against the waistband of his boxer-briefs. Bucky paused, unsure of what to really do here. He knew he should touch Steve's cock, but he wasn't entirely sure…how. He darted his tongue out, running it along the soft flesh of his swollen lips when an idea came to him. He'd use his mouth…

He scooted down, straddling Steve's knees as he pulled the waistband of the briefs, letting Steve's full erection free. Bucky heard Steve gasp as the cool air met his throbbing cock. Bucky grabbed the base of it, steadying it as he brought his lips to its tip, kissing it softly, listening as Steve mumbled incoherent syllables. Bucky flashed out his tongue, licking the slit, swirling his tongue along the tip and sucking it into his mouth before running his lips down and up, licking the top again.

"Sh-shit," Steve moaned out, lacing his fingers as best as he could in Bucky's hair, pulling at the strands. Bucky enjoyed the pain. It wasn't the same that he'd experienced before with HYDRA. He was in control of Steve. He'd made Steve swear, and Steve never swore.

Feeling more confident in what he was doing, Bucky opened his mouth more, sucking Steve's cock further into his mouth. He swirled his tongue around the erection, accidently bumping his teeth against the sensitive skin a bit too roughly.

"Bucky!" Steve exclaimed, jerking back a bit.

"S-sorry," Bucky mumbled. He licked at the reddening area he'd injured, feeling overly guilty, placing gentle kisses at the site. There was so much…trust in this. Bucky could bite down, he could tear at the flesh and create such pain, but Steve was trusting him to not. It was almost overwhelming to analyze like this. Bucky didn't want to hurt him. He wanted to prove to him just how trustworthy he was.

So Bucky kissed up the base, lapping his tongue against the slit a few times before swirling his tongue roughly against the corona, slurping loudly.

Steve bucked his hips, whimpering soft syllables, breathing out content sounds of approval. Bucky brought his mouth back down, enveloping as much of Steve's length as he could, sucking hard and swirling his tongue, paying better attention to where his teeth were. He couldn't take all of Steve's large cock, but he used his hand to stroke the base, using just his index finger and thumb. Steve hummed in approval.

"Is this okay?" Bucky asked, using his fingers now to continue stroking, swirling his thumb over the head, paying close care to the slit. He pressed down lightly, lifting his finger to expose a string of milky-white liquid. He blinked at it, curiously.

"Mmm, yeah," Steve sighed, bucking his hips.

Bucky laughed, instantly realizing how…real it sounded. He went back down, using more force as he sucked Steve's cock into his mouth, stroking faster at its base and rubbing his hands over Steve's balls curiously.

Steve's breath hitched and his hips jerked up violently. His cock hit the back of Bucky's throat and Bucky gagged, dropping Steve from his mouth.

"S-sorry," Steve whispered. "It tickles."

Bucky didn't answer. He kissed the tip of Steve's penis, brushing the slit with his nose, enjoying the sounds Steve made as his head lolled back heavily against the floor. Bucky stroked Steve's cock faster, using three digits instead of two. He focused his mouth more on the tip, lapping at the moisture that was starting to formulate at the slit. It was salty and bitter, but it was Steve's and he liked Steve, so he liked this.

He hummed, curiously wondering if the sensation would do anything for Steve. He got his answer when Steve gasped, moaning, "Oh…_God_, Bucky!" Feeling a bit more confident, he sucked more of Steve into his mouth again, bobbing his head up and down rhythmically, going a bit further each time till he could feel the tip of Steve's cock brush against the back of his throat. He tried hard to keep from gagging, but occasionally his mouth would tighten around Steve's erection when there was too much stimulation.

Steve moaned louder, his gasping and breathing getting heavier as his fingers kept twirling absent-mindedly in Bucky's hair, pulling and stroking occasionally. "Bucky, that's…that's good…" he mumbled, rocking his hips up to meet with Bucky's faster pacing. "Shit…Bucky…Bucky…"

Steve's moans became whimpers as Bucky kept at his pace, still using his fingers at the base of Steve's cock to envelop him completely in the sensation. Bucky felt drool fall from his mouth, dribbling downwards against Steve's cock, coating it thickly with his saliva as he continued to suck against the erection, slurping and licking the veins of the underside as he went back up, lolling his tongue against the slit, tasting the thick amount of liquid that settled there.

Steve's legs tensed and his moans became louder. Not long after he was moaning Bucky's name over and over. Bucky didn't know what to do, so he kept going, sucking harder, pulling the moans from Steve's body as something hot sprayed into his mouth. It was heavier, thicker but it tasted like the moisture from before. Definitely wasn't urine. He choked on it, doing his best to just swallow it as his tongue lapped it up hungrily into his mouth. He bobbed his head, riding out Steve's spasm, before slowing in tune with Steve's relaxing body. He swirled his tongue around Steve's cock a few times, before lapping at the base of the tip's underside a few times.

Steve light pushed Bucky away from his cock, pulling his legs into himself as he hid the cock that Bucky so desperately wanted all his attention focused on. Bucky whimpered; feeling drool and the white liquid dribble down his face. He wiped at it, lapping it off his hand like a cat. He felt Steve's gaze. He looked up to see a furrowed brow and tired eyes.

"W-what? Was I not supposed to do that?" Bucky asked.

Steve's brows shot up. "Bucky…" he breathed out. "That…no that's fine."

"Okay cause…I didn't know what was happening and I just-"

Steve grabbed Bucky's wrist, staring heavily into his eyes. "You don't know what just happened?" His voice went up an octave.

Bucky felt ashamed. He wanted to stand up and simply jump off the balcony. HYDRA hadn't programmed him for this… This was all new and he didn't understand any of it. "I…" he said softly. "I don't−"

Steve's face rounded in realization, figuring it out before Bucky seemed to even be able to say it. "HYDRA wouldn't tell you. Of course not. Jesus, Buck…I'm so sorry. We shouldn't have−"

"No!" Bucky blurted, jumping into Steve's lap and grabbing the man's face as if it was the only way Bucky could stay planted on the Earth. "Don't push me away." The words were rough and laced so heavily with desperation, Bucky didn't even believe it was his voice. He brushed his nose against Steve's, kissing the man's cheekbones. Was it okay to kiss his face after kissing his cock? Steve didn't push him away. He merely closed his eyes and sighed, so Bucky thought it was okay. Something was happening within Steve, something dark and Bucky was sure he was angry, but he didn't know why. Had he done something wrong? Was what he did…not okay? "Please talk to me," he whined.

Steve's arms wrapped around Bucky and he pressed his face into Bucky's chest. Bucky was sure Steve was crying, because his shoulders were rising and falling in sharp, jerky motions. "I'm so sorry," Steve cried. His voice was soft and cracked. "I'm so, so sorry."

Bucky merely ran his fingers though Steve's hair. "Why?"

Steve pulled away. His eyes were glistening with fresh tears and his cheeks were red, but Bucky wasn't sure if they were red from before or because he'd just started to cry. "Because you've no idea what we just did. You don't know what we've _ever_ done."

Bucky wasn't following. He furrowed his brow as his swollen, red lips parted in confusion. He cocked his head slightly to the side.

"HYDRA took everything from you. Our life together, our…experiences." Steve wiped at some of the remaining white liquid from Bucky's chin. "Do you even know what this is?"

Bucky blinked. He felt his spine curve as he tried to recoil into himself. "N-no…" he answered truthfully.

Steve closed his eyes, allowing a solo tear to fall from his eye. "They teach you this stuff in _grade school_."

Bucky scooted off Steve; feeling like their close proximity was only hurting the situation. Steve was erratic, and obviously broken from the previous experience. Bucky wasn't sure why. What had James Barnes done differently that would have made this all okay? Was knowing what that stuff was…really that important?

Steve instantly pulled his pants up, buttoning them angrily as his fingers shook. He looked ashamed, like he was going to vomit.

Bucky winced.

"We can't…I can't do this. I can't do this cause it's not fair. It's not fair to you and it's…" He groaned, trying his best to hold back a sob but utterly failed. "You're a child again and I'm…" He dropped his face into his hands as he began to cry harder. "You don't even _know_ me."

Bucky sat back on his feet, looking away as he listened to Steve's cries. Steve's mind was unstable. James Barnes was hurting Steve Rogers just as much as Steve Rogers was happy James Barnes was back in his life. It was a ruthless, disgusting cycle and Bucky _hated_ himself for it. He'd done this to Steve. He didn't want to hurt Steve, not unless there was no other way around it. This was avoidable, but Bucky wanted to feel alive. He wanted to drown out his thoughts and force something that clearly wasn't meant to happen. So he closed his eyes, startled as warm moisture trickled down the curves of his face. He was crying.

"Jesus, Bucky," Steve cried out. His voice was muffled. Bucky couldn't see it, but he was sure Steve's face was still buried into his hands. "I'm so sorry."

Bucky stood up, feeling uncomfortable as his cock still panged from having been so turned on before. He tried to ignore it; he didn't know what to do with it anyway. He walked toward his notepad, immediately sitting down to write into it.

_Steve Rogers is a suitable candidate for Red Room. His performance could increase if he is not weighed down by his emotional conflictions. Recommend full memory wipe._

* * *

No matter how many showers Steve took that day, he still felt vile and disgusting. He'd basically raped Bucky, regardless of what the other was trying to say, or had said. He didn't even know what an ejaculation was, or semen! Steve's extremities trembled under the rhythmic pulsating of the hot shower. Steam filled his nose as he inhaled deeply. He hated himself. He simply hated himself. Bucky had seemed so sure of himself at first, but it all faltered when Steve allowed him to suck him off. Bucky's motions were reserved, unsteady and unsure and he often looked more confused than he looked like he was really enjoying it. Why had he done it? What had possessed Bucky to even want to try? Was it the desire to try to force his memories back? Did he think he owed it to Steve?

Steve punched the wall, feeling the tile give way. He breathed heavily, hating himself further. Bucky didn't owe him anything. It was the other way around if there was anything to be owed! Steve had left Bucky for dead. He didn't catch him on the train. He didn't save him. He did this. He was the reason HYDRA destroyed Bucky's mind and his memories. He was the reason Bucky didn't know how to handle an erection properly or even knew that penises ejaculated. Bucky didn't even know what a _fucking_ orgasm was!

Steve scrubbed at his body again, tearing at his skin as he violently dug into his skin, scrubbing back and forth, back and forth…over and over. He'd created several burns and was bleeding in two places. He smacked his head roughly against the tile, groaning. He was sure Bucky could hear him, but right now he was so pissed at himself he didn't care. He should never have let this happen. This Bucky…this Bucky sitting in the bedroom confused, scared and alone wasn't the Bucky Steve knew growing up. This Bucky was brainwashed, alone and confused. _That_ Bucky had been confident, happy and embedded in reality. This Bucky's mind was shattered and racing to figure out all the pieces and Steve had…

He punched the tiled walls again, creating another hole. His wrist got stuck and he angrily pulled back, cutting the sensitive skin. Hissing, he sucked at the wound, trying to clean it of blood. He washed gently at the laceration before turning off the shower roughly. He groaned as he snapped the handle off. He'd need someone to repair it before he or Bucky could take another shower. Now Bucky didn't even have the ability to cleanse away the filth that Steve had just subjected him to. Maybe Tony would let him borrow his shower.

He wrapped a towel around his still-heaving body, his brow permanently cross and his lips pressed into a hard line. He looked at himself in the mirror. There was blemish he couldn't remove, a dark mark against his ledger that he could never relieve. He'd abused Bucky. He'd never let this happen again. Bucky had to know him before Steve would even consider touching him again. He'd have to tell him about the playground and the bullies there, he'd have to tell him about the movie theater alley and the girls he brought along to the World Expo. He'd have to tell him the words he'd said the day Bucky agreed to be a Howling Commando. Nothing short of those memories would allow Steve to touch this Bucky again. He wouldn't take advantage of him again. He loved Bucky far too much for that.

Bucky looked up when Steve came into the bedroom. The guy was curled up on the bed and his eyes were red. He'd been crying. Of course he'd been crying. Steve felt dirty all over again. Steve roughly pulled at his drawers, throwing on a shirt and grabbing a pair of briefs and sweatpants before exiting the room again. He didn't care that Bucky had just seen his dick; he wasn't showing him it again until Bucky knew why he was looking at it. Steve tugged the fabric on roughly; feeling it stick a bit as some remaining droplets of water still remained. After getting dressed, he leaned against the doorframe, trying to hear if Bucky had started crying again before he appeared in the entryway.

Bucky looked up again. His eyes were different. They were lighter in color but so much heavier. Steve felt ashamed. He was the reason this was happening. "Steve…" Bucky croaked.

Steve sat at the edge of the bed, waiting for Bucky to say his piece.

"I'm sorry."

Steve was so taken aback that he nearly fell from the bed. Bucky was sorry? Bucky? Was sorry? He hadn't done anything wrong! Misery clutched at Steve's heart as he suppressed the desire to pull Bucky into him. He swallowed hard, knowing this was a conversation they _had_ to talk out. "You didn't do anything wrong."

Bucky sat up, crossing his legs, Indian style. "But you're angry."

"Not at you," Steve countered quickly.

Bucky's brow twitched. What was he thinking? "But…I did something wrong."

"What'd you do wrong, Bucky?" Steve asked, trying to lead the conversation narrowly.

Bucky shrugged, looking like he was going to recoil back inside. "I made you…" He closed his eyes. There was a battle waging war on that face and Steve wanted so desperately to reach out and touch it, to shove aside the concerns and brush way the fears. "When I did that…thing."

He didn't even know what to call it. Steve's heart shattered to the floor of his stomach. "Bucky…"

"I'm sorry. It just made me feel," he paused, looking like he was searching for the right words. "So human."

Steve's mouth parted as realization climbed into his features, filling him up with shock and awe. Bucky hadn't known what he was doing because to his knowledge, he'd never done it. He'd never been allowed to be human with HYDRA. He'd never been given human companionship or care. To this Bucky…Steve was the only one on the planet that had treated him like a person. "You are human, Bucky."

Bucky instantly shook his head. "No. I'm not. I'm HYDRA's Asset."

"You're a human," Steve said firmer. "You're no longer part of HYDRA. I'll never let them touch you again."

Something etched its way into Bucky's face, it was like he was trying to deflect Steve's words, but wanted to embrace them all the same. "James Barnes was the luckiest man alive to have you."

Steve's heart stopped. His fingers tingled as they cried out to Steve, begging to let them touch Bucky's face, begging to trace the man's jaw line and caress those full lips. He closed his eyes, willing himself to get a hold on his emotions. "James Barnes…is…the luckiest man alive to have me," Steve corrected. "Because he's sitting right across from me, and I'm not going anywhere."

Bucky moved so quickly, Steve didn't even have a moment to prepare. Bucky's arms wrapped around his middle as Steve was pushed down against the bed. His head hit the bed frame and he winced in pain, but his arms wrapped around Bucky's shoulders, defeating all his previous swearing to never touch Bucky till Bucky was ready. But…Bucky was ready...at least for hugs. Steve knew Bucky cared for him− that much was evident, but he didn't…know the why behind the desire. Steve inhaled deeply, taking in Bucky's scent as Bucky pressed his face into Steve's chest. They lay there in silence; both listening to the other's breathing patterns. Steve had never felt so conflicted.

This Bucky…who had faced horrors and torture that most men would die under, he was reaching out desperately, trying to cling to Steve as Steve was trying to back away, to put distance there and let Bucky figure himself out before having to figure their relationship out. This Bucky…who was so fragile and damaged…was showing such courage by trying to face HYDRA, asking to be allowed to join the group in D.C, asking to be let into Steve's life and Steve was just…whirling in circles as he tried to keep up. But…he was going to try to keep up.

At least he didn't feel so dirty anymore.

* * *

Ahhhhh awkward blow jobs! I've not written sexy stuff in such a long time. Forgive meeeeeee~


	5. Peggy Carter

Please don't hurt me for this chapter... Also this chapter is not edited so expect some typos, if any!

* * *

The jet had landed just as the sun was starting to peak over the backdrops of Washington D.C. Bucky hadn't slept the entire way. He wasn't entirely good at sleeping anyway. He'd always used cryo as a way to sleep, and mostly stayed awake during his missions when HYDRA needed him out in the field. He wasn't used to sleeping. Often this resulted in him lying awake at night, trying to keep his gaze fixed on one of the arms of the ceiling fan. He was getting better at sleeping though, but he'd traded a cryo tank for Steve Rogers' smooth arms. At first Steve protested a bit, asking over and over again if this was what Bucky wanted. He did. He wanted to be wrapped protectively in warm, strong arms. He'd traded the cold of cryo for the warmth of Steve and he needed those arms to sleep. Sitting across from him on a private jet didn't help him sleep, so he watched as Steve dozed instead.

They all filtered into a townhouse with a black steel rod fence that outlined an extremely small front yard. Inside, it was lavishly decorated like any politician's home. Why did Bucky know what a politician's home looked like? The crystal chandelier distracted him from the thought as they all filtered into the dining room.

A woman with dark brown hair and a strong jaw entered into the room. From the lack of anyone's response, it was clear to Bucky that they knew her. Her gaze scanned him warily and she clicked her tongue once.

"Didn't I say bringing him was a bad idea?" she said with a low, sultry voice.

"I'm your boss, remember, Hill?" Tony said. "And he's rather persuasive. So he's here now."

She shrugged, sitting down. Everyone followed suit, except Bucky. He didn't feel comfortable sitting. Steve sent him a softly pained expression, but Bucky dismissed it. He enjoyed the response though. No one had ever cared so much about how _he_ felt. It…was liberating, to feel like he was the sun that Steve orbited.

"The CIA's infiltrated the bank. They've wiped it clean but there was a bit of a scuffle. A cryo tank and several computers were taken. We now know those computers to be the files that held all of the Winter Soldier's missions as well as observations by his science team."

"So HYDRA has all the files on Bucky," Steve affirmed. "We need those."

This…Hill…nodded, her lips curt and tight with a look that said she wasn't okay with this, but she was listening to Tony, who…was apparently her boss. Bucky leaned against the wall, taking the scene in.

"Do we know where HYDRA is?" Tony asked. "Any leads to where the rats are scurrying to?"

"My contacts are too afraid to tell me, considering I've blasted my identity all over the internet," Romanov said, tracing the soft curves of the wooden dining table. "So, for once, I've got nothing."

"I've got a proposal. One that you all may not like," Hill said. Her stern look of disapproval now turned to one of apprehension. Bucky watched as Steve's back straightened. He wondered if Steve was thinking about Bucky's security. His heart fluttered at the thought.

Bucky shifted his weight, trying to dismiss the thought as just one of excitement. Steve was still his mission. He couldn't get too attached…no matter how much Bucky was truly starting to like Steve and love the attention the blonde gave him.

"I've got some contacts in the CIA. A former S.H.I.E.L.D agent has said that the CIA would be willing to cut a deal with Rogers," Hill stated.

"What sort of deal?" Steve asked, sitting forward and crossing his arms. Bucky's gaze scanned the pronounced biceps that poked out from under the pale blue shirt that Steve wore.

"After D.C…" Hill began, sighing heavily. "S.H.I.E.L.D compromised, the Potomac a mess. There's…a lot to be answered for. The CIA knows you're not to blame, but they're also concerned. You're just one man and you brought down two huge organizations at the same time."

"So I'm a liability?" Steve scoffed. He sat back, shaking his head from side to side. "No. They're not putting a collar on me."

"Tony is restrained by the US military, whether he wants to admit it or not by his connection to Rhodey."

"Please! I haven't sold a single thing to them since The Jericho!" Tony protested.

Hill looked uncomfortable. She shifted in her seat, clearly searching for words that she was too afraid to speak. Bucky took a step forward, just making sure she didn't have one hand under the table ready with a gun.

"That doesn't matter. You're more controlled than Rogers. You're a business man. Rogers is…" She gestured with her hand toward Steve. "He's a World War II science experiment with technically no allegiance to anyone, government or not. Sure he's Captain America, but S.H.I.E.L.D was his tether before."

"Tether?" Steve spoke the word so coolly, so controlled that Bucky wasn't sure his ears were dripping from acidic burn at how much animosity was spoken behind those two syllables. "I joined S.H.I.E.L.D because I wanted to protect people!"

Hill realized her mistake, it was evident in how her brow creased and her eyes swam in exasperated pleading. "Steve…"

"No." Steve stood up, his teeth barred and his brow knit with controlled anger. "I'm not cutting a deal. No one is "_tethering_" me ever again. If I'm with anyone, I'm with those in this room. If that's not good enough for the CIA, then that's that."

"I'm with Steve," Sam said from his seat. "If the CIA is scared of Rogers, what do you think they're going to do to him? They'll lock him in a cell and say it's for the protection of the American people."

"You don't know that!" Hill protested. "You remember Sharon right, Steve?"

Steve was still standing. Bucky had instinctively gone to stand next to him, on his right. He'd be the first to throw this woman back and crush her neck if Steve needed it.

"Yeah, my supposed neighbor?" Steve spat. "Another lie from S.H.I.E.L.D."

"Her name is Sharon Carter. She's Peggy's daughter. She's the one who suggested this!"

Steve's resolve crumbled as he blinked in a stupor. "Carter? Peggy?"

Bucky didn't like how Steve said, "Peggy." The name was strained in Steve's throat and there was so much pained emotion behind it. Bucky found himself hating this woman. Who was she to deserve Steve's attention? Bucky was here, right now. He was supposed to be James Barnes, the love of Steve Rogers' life. Who was this Peggy to try to ruin all that Bucky had built so far in the name of HYDRA?

"She believes the CIA will work with you. With you…not against you, Steve," Hill said, her eyes still swimming in that pleading expression.

"What are the terms?" Steve said sitting down.

"No!" Bucky protested. He'd yelled so loud, he'd caused almost everyone, minus Steve, to jump. Their gazes snapped to him and he suddenly felt very, very exposed. He pressed his back to the wall, panicking at his sudden outburst. He hated how easily persuaded Steve was all at the mention of a single name. It was a female name too, Bucky was sure of it. It sounded female. He knew the name was associated with a beautiful woman…a dame… He blinked in shock, realizing that he was seeing a murky image of a woman with Steve in his mind. Why? Why was he seeing this? Who was this woman and why did Bucky swear up and down he knew her?

"Bucky…" Steve said softly, standing up and grabbing at Bucky's hands. He laced his fingers into Bucky's, never breaking his eye contact from Bucky's eyes. "What's wrong?"

Bucky felt his chest rise and fall as he kept trying to picture her, this Peggy. He kept trying to see her…brown…hair. It was brown! Why did he know this?! How? He felt his limbs start to shake. "I…" He allowed a mewling sound to escape the back of his throat. He was painfully aware that all eyes were on him. He'd never received so much attention before…from eyes that's goals weren't solely to make him into the best killing machine. These were eyes full of concern and…admittedly some fear. Bucky could handle the fear. He couldn't handle the concern.

She had brown hair…red lips. "No…no, no, no, no, no," Bucky started whispering, breaking his eye contact with Steve and collapsing. He felt Steve's arms pull him into his body as Steve pulled Bucky toward the chair he'd previously occupied. "She had red lips. Why do I know that she had red lips? Why do I know her! WHY DO I KNOW HER?!" He was unstable, screaming and feeling hot tears spill down his cheeks.

"We can talk about this later," Barton said.

"Bucky!" Steve demanded, but Bucky wasn't listening. He was heaving and panicking, seeing a beautiful woman with red, pouted lips and a strong jaw and gorgeous brown eyes that shined and sparkled with so much love for…for Steve. "Bucky! Bucky listen to me!" Steve grabbed Bucky's chin, forcing their gazes to meet. "You knew Peggy. You knew her back in the war."

"No I didn't," Bucky protested, shaking his head free from Steve's strong fingers. "I never met her. I never knew anyone. I've…"

"Bucky…you knew her," Steve pressed.

"She loved you," Bucky said, realizing, clearer than ever, that he wasn't the only one in Steve's life. There was another! Bucky hated her. He needed her dead. "Where is she?"

Steve was caught off guard. His face strained in confusion as he tried to asses Bucky's hastily crumbling composure.

"Where. Is. She?" Bucky demanded, still shaking in the chair. He could feel Steve's hands, one at his back and one on his knee. He needed this warmth. He needed to be the only one in Steve's life, HYDRA be damned. He needed Steve Rogers. He couldn't deny it. Steve had been the only person to shower him with so much love, to accept him as a human and Bucky _needed_ that.

"She's in a retirement center, assisted living," Steve answered. "Bucky? What's wrong?"

He was always asking that question. What's wrong and how are you feeling and what are you thinking? Why was he always poking into Bucky's head? Did Steve know? Was Steve suspicious? Was this it? Did this blow Bucky's cover? He'd made a sure mess of this situation. He needed out. He needed to escape this. The eyes that stared into his very core and those warm, hot hands against his body. He needed to escape. He couldn't do this anymore!

Bucky slammed Steve against the wall, using his metal arm to crush at the throat. Steve was slow to respond as the shock of it had taken him by surprise.

"Clint! Tranq now!" Romanov shouted over the commotion. Bucky heard the _thwick_ of the bow, but he'd kicked the arrow away, diverting it into the wall.

Growling, Bucky made it to the door, barreling out as he had no time to open it. It cried out loudly against his weight, but his metal arm had forced it apart, shattering it into the air as he rolled onto the concrete before him, leapt the black iron rods of the fence and was out. He needed Rumlow. He needed to find HYDRA.

He needed to kill Peggy Carter.

* * *

Steve pressed his fingers gingerly against the bruising skin of his throat, his eyes round and lips parted in the smallest of "o's." What had just happened? Bucky had been so composed. He'd stood by Steve and then…Peggy came up. It had always been an awkward conversation back in the war. Peggy clearly wanted Steve, and truth be told, there was a part of Steve that wanted Peggy as well, but he'd been with Bucky. When he told Bucky about it, of course Bucky did all he could to try to get Peggy to kiss him or sleep with him. He wanted to prove to Steve she was just another dame, one of the girls who didn't love Steve the way Bucky did, but she never went for it. Eventually, Bucky had resigned himself to knowing he'd always be Steve's dirty little secret, even if Steve said that's not what Bucky had been. It was complicated back then, and Steve isn't sure what he would have done since the choice had practically been made up for him when Bucky fell from the train. Still…Steve never saw Bucky as a secret. He didn't hide his affection for Bucky from the Howling Commandos, but he had hid his affection for Bucky from Peggy…

"Steve!" Natasha said, running up to him and checking him over. "You okay?"

He didn't answer. Guilt was crawling up his knees, holding him against the wall and weighing him down, more and more as he kept thinking. Peggy was Bucky's worst nightmare back then. Bucky would watch as Peggy casually flirted with Steve or pressed her body against his in intimate hugs and offer soft, chase kisses against his cheek. Bucky had been there, knowing Steve knew how much he loved him, watching Steve rival with his desire for both Peggy and Bucky. He loved them both… He still loved them both. In the end, if they'd both been clinging to that train for dear life, and if Steve could have only saved one… The thought ate at him. It was a choice he just could never have picked. He'd probably launch himself off the train, just to show how much he couldn't make that decision. Bucky had been his lover. They had been together, but he never told Peggy…he led her on, allowed Bucky to feel that he was never safe from the ultimate decision against him… He should have known Bucky would react this way at the mention of Peggy Carter.

"Steve!" Tony barked, waving a hand in front of his face. "Yo Gramps! Star-Spangled Popsicle! Hey! I'm talking to you!"

Steve finally looked up, meeting brown eyes that held more concern than sometimes Steve gave Tony credit for.

"Jesus, Steve," Tony began, sighing heavily. "What the hell are you doing?"

"We have to see Peggy," Steve said. "I…" He didn't want to finish that sentence. He didn't want to admit what Bucky was capable of, but he couldn't deny the anger and hatred that had revved up in Bucky all those years ago. "I think he may try…"

"To kill her?" Maria Hill finished. "Christ, Steve! This is why I said we should have him restrained!"

"He's not an animal!" Steve countered, feeling his face go hot. "He's my lo-" He stopped abruptly, deciding to opt for, "He's my friend. And we don't do that to friends." His eyes went to Dr. Bruce Banner, who had backed himself into a corner in front of the staircase. He was clearly struggling with the Other Guy as his frayed nerves were probably being pushed to their limits with all that just happened.

Maria settled, standing back and nodding. "So what now?"

"We're leaving," Steve said.

"I'll have JARVIS pull the car around," Tony said, stepping over the threshold of the broken door.

Steve didn't wait for the car. He began running as fast as he could, glad for his superhuman endurance. He heard someone shout behind him, but he was in tunnel vision. Nothing else mattered right now. Bucky was on the war path. No one else saw the maddening rage in Bucky's eyes. Steve had been foolish to think everything was going to be okay. Of all things Bucky had to remember right now, he remembered Peggy and the relationship they all had.

He tried to turn a corner, running in the direction he knew the assisted living center to be. He bumped a car, seeing the huge dent he made. "Steve Rogers! Just call the CIA and they'll pay for it!" he shouted back to the woman screaming after him. He couldn't stop. He jumped a newspaper stand, narrowly missed a group of school kids in uniforms and leapt over a biker. He'd have laughed at the terrified expression on the man's face, except Steve was so concerned about Peggy and Bucky.

His body was laced with sweat as he finally arrived at the assisted living center. He ran up the stairs, taking three at a time as he scoured them, heaving in air and praying Bucky couldn't figure out where she was just yet. He ran into down the hallway, passing nurses who knew him by name and stating sorry over and over again as he kept running, ignoring their "long time no see's" and "we've missed you's!"

He opened the door, seeing Peggy asleep. He watched her chest rise and fall. He listened to the oxygen tank that bubbled and whizzed its sounds into the air. His breath hitched when he saw Bucky, sitting on the rocking chair with his hands folded over his mouth. "Bucky."

His steel-blue eyes didn't look up. They were fixed on Peggy. His brow was knit in a conflicted, angry crease.

"Bucky…" Steve said again, closing the door behind him softly, attempting not to wake Peggy. "Can we talk about this?"

Bucky's shoulders were shaking. Steve couldn't see the storm on Bucky's calm face, but he could see it in the rigid posture of Bucky's body and those shaking shoulders. He couldn't imagine the turmoil that Bucky was in. He could barely imagine the turmoil Bucky had gone through back in the war with this situation either. Steve wished he had handled it better. It was the biggest regret he had.

"Please, Bucky? Don't…don't do anything," Steve pleaded, his voice barely above a whisper.

Bucky finally looked at him. The gaze was void of emotion, cold and calculating. Like a cougar deciding if it was hungry or not. Steve felt his breath hitch as he was face to face with the Winter Solider, and not Bucky Barnes. The man he loved, that had been slowly, slowly coming out again, he was tucked so far behind those angry orbs that Steve wasn't sure that this would end in anything but a bullet to the chest. He assumed Bucky was unarmed, but that didn't mean anything.

"Please, Bucky," Steve whimpered, feeling like if he moved, he'd cause Bucky to move and this could just all escalate way too quickly and the last thing he wanted to do was wake Peggy or cause her death by Bucky's hand. "You know I love you."

"Do I?" the voice was disconnected, raspy and…jaded.

"I've loved you since we were kids. I loved you since the day you punched out that…Joe kid who hit me for calling him out for stealing that other girl's lunch money. You've always been the love of my life. Peggy…" His voice broke as he felt panic grab his heartstrings, plucking them violently and slicing them away, forcing his heart to fall. "Peggy was…she was beautiful, and I…I cared for her but−"

"Shut up, Rogers," Bucky growled. "I shouldn't know her."

Steve blinked, unsure of where this was now going. "What?"

"I don't know her. Why…why do I know her?"

Steve felt his facial muscles relax. Maybe Bucky wasn't here to…kill Peggy. Maybe this was just how he handled a memory as big as Peggy Carter? "You met her back in World War II."

"I wasn't there," Bucky responded, flatly.

"Yes you were, Bucky. The 107th. Sergeant James Barnes. You were there. So was she."

Bucky stood up. Steve felt on edge once more. "Bucky…you knew her! You were…you were…" He racked his brain, trying desperately to find words of comfort and not ones that could bring about scorn and misery. "You were…like friends. Just…"

"I hate her," Bucky said flatly, taking another step closer to Peggy. "I hate her and I don't even know why."

"Bucky please, please let's talk about this somewhere else," Steve whispered as loud as he could, desperately trying to convince Bucky to get out of here. His heart was racing against his chest. He felt dizzy and couldn't decide if he was going to pass out or just start crying.

"Steve! Steve are you in there!?" Natasha called from the other side of the door. She was knocking and it was loud and fast and Peggy could hear it if Natasha kept doing it and Steve needed it to stop!

"We're fine! Stay quiet!" Steve hissed through the door. "Please!"

"We're all right here, Steve," she said quietly. "Just say the word."

"Bucky," Steve called again. He wanted to move. He wanted to take those short steps to Bucky and push the man against the wall, or out the window or something! Anything to get him away from Peggy! "Please let's just…let's just go outside."

Bucky was staring down at Peggy now, right beside her bed. His face was serene and he looked like he was staring off into the abyss. His body was relaxed but Steve knew better. He knew Bucky was more alert and aware than ever right now. "I hated her…because of you," Bucky finally said.

"Bucky…" Steve uttered, feeling utterly helpless and overly desperate. He slumped against the door, closing his eyes. "It's not gunna be that way this time."

Bucky looked up, cocking a single brow. "This time? I meant the way you said her name at the dining table." His voice was loud enough to wake Peggy.

The elderly, yet entirely beautiful woman stirred, stretching out her small, weakened legs and looked to Steve. "Steve?" she called out sleepily with a smile. There was happiness in her brown eyes, followed by rounded eyes, a gurgling, choking voice and shock. Steve couldn't suppress the scream that ripped from his throat, shaking his bones and causing the door to move against him as he was shoved aside.

Steve crumpled to the floor as Natasha, Sam, Tony, Bruce and Clint all came rushing in. "He's jumping!" Clint shouted, pulling out an arrow and shooting it, narrowly missing Bucky as he deflected it with his metal arm.

"Peggy! Oh my God, Peggy!" Natasha cried. She grabbed at the woman's neck, trying her hardest to keep the blood inside but the wound was too deep. "Peggy no! Peggy stay with us!"

Bruce moved her away, placing his hands against the open, bleeding wound. "Get a doctor! Now!" he yelled. Clint was flying down the hallway. Steve was still sitting there, shock enveloping his body, curling around his senses and hollowing out a piece of his soul. Bucky had taken a switchblade, probably something he pick pocketed from someone on his way here and had slit Peggy's throat with it. He'd actually done it. But he didn't do it because of the past; he did it because of now… Bucky didn't truly remember Peggy. It was clear he knew her in some way shape or form, but not from the memories Steve had. These were the acts of a wild, jealous animal, crazed and desperate.

"Keep your eyes open Peggy! Peggy listen to my voice! Hold on! Please hold on!" Natasha kept crying out as she stood over Peggy with Bruce. Bruce's hands expertly wrapped the corners of the sheets against Peggy's neck, pressing into that soft neck as hard as he could to keep blood in, but not to cut her breathing. But it wasn't enough, and Steve knew it. He watched Peggy's eyes flutter. He watched her elderly body, once so full of life and power, struggle against her lack of air as she kept gurgling blood and gasping. She was dying. She was dying and it was because of Bucky and Steve had let it happen.

Tony and Clint had come back with more doctors, but it was already too late. Bruce had backed away, shaking his head desperately as he tried to offer an explanation that he couldn't truly give. Natasha looked to Steve, but he remained completely unresponsive on the floor, staring out into nothing, horrified that he could have done something yet he choose to believe in Bucky. Bucky wasn't there anymore. Bucky was…a whole other person, full of conflicted emotions, fear and so much anger. This mistake had cost Peggy's life.

"Steve…I'm…I'm so sorry," Tony said, leaning down and gripping his shoulder. "I'm so sorry."

Steve didn't respond. He kept staring at a corner of the sterile room, shock still plaguing his body.

"Time of death, 7:42 AM," a doctor was saying, but Steve didn't want to listen anymore.

"I did this," he breathed out. "I brought Bucky here… I tru−" His voice broke off into a sob. "I trusted him!"

Tony wrapped an arm around Steve, pulling him in and allowing the much larger man to cry into his shoulder. "I know you did. I know you wanted to believe in him. But… we have to look at the facts. That's not your Bucky. He hasn't been for so long."

Tony's words were soft and trying their best at being soothing but Steve hated those words. "He loves me. I know he does. He's…it's the small things he's done," Steve sobbed. "I know he does!"

Tony rubbed his hand up and down Steve's back, heaving a long sigh. "We can talk about this later. Right now…just cry. Just get it all out, big guy."

And Steve did just that. He cried. Peggy was dead, and it was all his fault.

* * *

Bucky had managed to sneak into a department store to steal some clothes and a hat before anyone was none-the-wiser. He pulled the black hat further against his head, seeing the brim in his direct eye-sight. The shirt was loose, which hid his muscular build and long enough that he could hide his fingers under the cuffs. He walked calmly into the crowed of D.C, making his way to the hospital he knew Rumlow to be at. He had no remorse for what he'd done.

Peggy was getting in the way of the mission. Peggy was going to compromise Steve and offer him the protection of the CIA and HYDRA couldn't have that. Not only that, Bucky could hear the love and adoration Steve had for Peggy. Why? She was a weak, old dame with no reason to live anymore. Bucky figured he'd done her a service, and he pushed it aside, thinking nothing more on the subject.

Steve was _his_.

He decided to take a taxi, after asking directions to the George Washington University Hospital. It was much further away from the assisted living center than he felt necessary to walk. Besides, he needed to lose the Avengers.

The idea of seeing Rumlow again was freeing. He'd been feeling so many conflicting emotions as of late, that knowing he was to report to a HYDRA agent soon was rather calming. It put everything back into perspective. He'd been slowly losing his way with Steve, allowing Steve's gaze to stop his heart, his touches to excite Bucky. Bucky wasn't human. He wasn't a person and he shouldn't feel the way he did.

But oh, but he did. He loved Steve's rough fingers, brushing up and down his flesh arm as they looked at each other at night. He loved the awkward moments where he'd catch Steve's gaze on his ass. He loved being able to curl into Steve's arms on the couch. After the day where…Bucky had…done that thing with Steve… the blonde had been so reserved. He'd not wanted to allow Bucky closer, and he always asked over and over if this was okay or what Bucky wanted. Bucky had to fight twice as hard for the few days that followed before arriving here in D.C to prove to Steve that he did want Steve's touch. They hadn't been so intimate since, and it all could probably be seen as friendly, but Bucky had relished in the attention.

But he couldn't…not anymore. Steve was his mission and now the panic was starting to set in as Bucky started to realize what he'd just done. He grabbed his head, feeling the throbbing pain set in as he could see Peggy Carter's face clearer now. She was hugging Steve…why was she hugging Steve? Why was Steve dressed in green US military attire and why did Bucky see this?

He wasn't James Barnes! He smashed his metal hand into the taxi's door, causing a large dent.

"What the fuck!" the taxi cab driver said. Bucky pulled out the switchblade, pressing it to the man's throat. His eyes widened in horror.

"You keep driving and you get to live," Bucky said coolly.

"I-I-I've got a family, mister! I've got three kids and a wife!"

"Just keep driving," Bucky growled. He wasn't reckless, not alone. He knew dropping bodies would only lead Steve to him and he couldn't let that happen. He had to play this very, very specifically now.

The consequences of his actions were weighing heavily on him as he realized his terrible mistake. He needed Peggy out of the picture, but now Bucky could have possibly put himself back on the hostile list. However, he had supervised Steve extensively now. He hadn't seen Steve in action, except when the two of them were fighting on the helicarrier. Perhaps this was best. Perhaps the mission was over.

His heart sank. He hated the idea of never seeing Steve look at him with those ocean-blue eyes and that smile. He hated the idea of not hearing "what are you thinking" or "what do you want for dinner?" Bucky sighed, no…the Asset sighed. This was his mission. HYDRA's cause. He'd completed it. It was time to report to Rumow and be informed the next stage.

* * *

The Asset didn't kill the cab driver. He knew the man saw his face, but when it came out that his description was that of a dead man's face, things would probably settle down. James Barnes was dead and had been dead since World War II. The Asset didn't have anything to fear when the cab driver described a dead man.

He walked into the hospital, ducking his face from each passerby and heading to the burn unit. Casually, he strolled down the long hallway of the burn unit, scanning the files and watching for the only name that should matter to him. Brock Rumlow.

He entered the room, seeing the television on. Brock's eyes were open, but he didn't look to be in the best of shape. Most of his body was covered with healing scars of burns and skin grafts. "Rumlow, sir" he called.

The man's brown eyes flickered over to him. He smirked. "Thought you were dead."

"I was completing Pierce's last mission," he stated flatly. Sitting down next to Rumlow. "You look like shit."

"I feel like shit," he responded. He attempted a small laugh, but his face only knitted up in pain. "You were with Rogers?"

"Yes. I've completed my report on him," the Asset stated matter-of-fact.

"Actually," Rumlow began. "We need to you to keep with the Avengers for a bit longer."

"Sir," the Asset attempted to interject.

"HYDRA's regrouping. They've decided to go in a different angle on you. Rogers thinks you're his long lost best friend, so let him keep thinking that. Be our eyes and ears with them. You keeping up on them will help us stop them when we make our next big move."

"I don't know if that'll be possible, sir," the Asset said steadily. "I killed Peggy Carter."

Rumlow laughed, wincing at the pain. "Oh Jesus! You did not!"

"I've failed," the Asset said softly, feeling like he wanted to curl in on himself. HYDRA would be disappointed in him. He had just been so angry… the way Steve had said Peggy's name, the look in his eye. The Asset wanted to be the only one to make Steve look like that…

"You didn't fail, _Bucky_," Rumlow said, spitting out the nickname. It wasn't meant to be rude, just pointed. "We can recover from this. But you need to play your part perfectly. Can you do that for me, Bucky?"

Bucky smiled, feeling hope elate his heart as he was being given the chance to redeem himself for HYDRA…and for Steve. "Yes, sir." How exactly, was another question entirely, but he'd meet that or die trying in the name of HYDRA.

"We need you to infiltrate the Avengers. You'll be making bi-weekly reports to us. There's a phone in that bag over there." Rumlow used his head to point in the direction. "We had a pretty good guess you'd come find me. Ya know, if you weren't dead. Which thankfully you're not."

Bucky went over and grabbed the bag, looking inside. There was a phone, a journal, that was actually a tablet inside, a gun with a silencer, and a wifi hotspot.

"All of it is untraceable. Just keep it hidden; otherwise you're cover's blown. Keep up what you're doing with Steve. You've got a lot of work with him now though…being you killed his girl and all…but," he paused, flashing a fox's grin. "I'm pretty sure with a face like yours; you could talk yourself out of it."

Bucky cocked a brow, feeling completely uncertain how he'd manage to explain away the murder of Peggy Carter.

"You cut your hair, just like James Barnes," Rumlow began. "Steve likes it that way, huh?"

Bucky ran his fingers though his hair, feeling the silken strands. "Yeah. I wanted to look more like Barnes," he mumbled. "What are the mission parameters now?"

"Bi-weekly check-in's, as I said. You're gunna keep tabs on all the Avengers. Find out their weaknesses, their strengths, find anything you can on them. When we've got everything in order, you're going to kill them off, one by one. We'll help you make it look like an accident."

This wasn't Pierce's plan. Pierce's plan was simple and straight to the point. This one was clearly Rumlow's or someone higher than him. It was seizing the opportunity that Bucky now presented, but it wasn't the best of plans. However, who was Bucky to question HYDRA? He owed them everything.

"And Rogers?" Bucky asked, feeling his stomach churning at the thought of really having to kill him.

"We're still thinking about him. We may bring him into the Asset program if we get our stuff back from the CIA."

"I might be able to help with that," Bucky said. "The Avengers are here to retrieve all the data on me."

Rumlow's eyes widened. "No. You gotta destroy that shit. If you can get your hands on it, you destroy it, you here me?"

"Isn't it useful for the next Asset?"

"You're the only one we really need, Bucky!" Rumlow protested, a bit too quickly. Something was wrong here. Rumlow was never this anxious or pointed about something. The information on those computers was clearly a subject of controversy, but whether HYDRA or Rumlow wanted the files removed was another story, and Bucky wasn't sure he could figure it out. But he liked hearing he was the only Asset needed. It instilled a whole new appreciation for Rumlow.

"Look," Rumlow said, wincing through the pain of his healing skin grafts. "We don't know what we're going to do with Rogers yet, but that data is…it's dangerous in the wrong hands. HYDRA would rather have it destroyed than fall into the Avengers hands. You'll destroy it. That's an order."

Bucky snapped up straight, standing at his full height. "Yessir," he responded automatically as his HYDRA programming snapped him out of questioning Rumlow; his handler. On a hospital bed or not, Rumlow still was Bucky's direct supervisor.

"Destroy those computers. Get the Red Room machines back, but destroy the data. Got it?"

"Understood, sir," Bucky responded flatly.

"Now get out of here before some Avenger comes sniffing around and you blow your cover," Rumlow said, but his tone was gentle. Bucky hadn't realized he'd missed him so much till he was standing right before him like this.

Bucky walked the halls of the hospital, unsure how to approach this situation now. Steve… How was he going to approach Steve. Walking up to him and saying sorry was certainly not going to cut it. Steve had just witnessed one love kill another in cold-blood. Bucky scrunched up his face, pouting his bottom lip. What had he done?

* * *

Bucky had circled the block where the Avengers were several times now. He knew Steve was in there, but he was surrounded by everyone else. They were all like annoying flies hanging around a lantern. Natasha and Sam wouldn't leave Steve's side, but the rest filtered in and out on occasion. Bucky had waited for the extreme early hours of the morning, hoping that everyone would be out of Steve's room to let him sleep by this point. He parkoured up the red-brick townhouse's front, peaking into the window of Steve's bedroom. It was dark and Bucky could barely make out the shape of a man in the bed.

He silently opened the window, but Steve was fast. Steve had shoved Bucky against the wall, one hand around his throat, but not squeezing, just enough force to hold him there. It was too dark for Bucky to really see Steve's eyes but he could guess Steve was pissed, or sad; probably a bit of both actually.

"Who are you?" Steve hissed into the night, careful to keep his voice down.

Bucky blinked, unsure how to answer this question. Did Steve know he wasn't actually the real Bucky? "B-Bucky," he whispered, bringing his flesh hand to meet Steve's. "Steve please, let me explain."

He could hear Steve's sobs. Each one broke Bucky's heart a bit more. He wanted to pull this man into him and fall to the floor like they had done the day Steve came to Stark Tower. Steve kept his hand in place. Bucky's feet were barely touching the floor. He could easily maneuver out of this position, but he felt it made a stronger point to let Steve feel he had the upper hand.

"You didn't let me explain," Steve cried softly. "You just took that knife…" His voice cracked as he heaved another sob. "What have they done to you?"

Bucky furrowed his brow, unsure of the "who" in this situation. He brought his left hand up now, brushing the fingers over Steve's, lightly, like a cool feather on a winter morning. Steve let Bucky slip down the wall so he was standing firmly now, but he didn't release his hand from around Bucky's neck.

"I can't…" Bucky spoke softly. "I can't apologize for what I did…not because I don't want to, but because it won't change anything. I killed her. I can't take it back. So if you need to kill me…just do it."

Steve heaved a large sigh, trying to stifle a sob that managed to crawl from his throat. "Just…tell me why. Why'd you do it?"

Bucky remembered the panic he'd felt. Peggy Carter…he'd never met her, he'd never seen her, even in his Google searches, but he somehow knew exactly what she looked like and the feeling of ravenous jealously that seared into Bucky's body had been so possessive and overwhelming, he could barely see straight. "Because you loved her more than me."

It was half the truth. But Bucky wasn't going to explain that he'd killed her simply to keep Steve all to himself. Steve wasn't just Bucky's. He was Natasha's, Tony's, Clint's, Bruce's… He was Hill's and the American people's. He belonged to all of them, and Bucky hated that. He wanted Steve's eyes to only look at him, and Steve's mouth to only speak to him… He'd become so intoxicated on Steve's affections and attention that he'd forgotten that Steve wasn't an Asset. He was a fully functioning human being. He wasn't like Bucky, and Bucky was so scared of losing him. If HYDRA wanted him dead, fine, he'd gladly be the one to deal the killing blow, but not a second before.

Steve's face dropped against Bucky's shoulder. Bucky could feel the hot tears that cooled against his skin. He felt Steve's broad, strong chest heave, inhale and exhale at odd, uneven bursts as Steve cried as softly as he could. Bucky wrapped his arms around Steve, using his flesh hand to cup the back of Steve's head and stroke his fingers though the short hair lightly. "I can't change what I did, Steve."

"I-I know," Steve sobbed. His breath was hot against Bucky's skin. He wanted to lean into the warmth, to force Steve's lips against his skin but he remained still. "And I can't forgive you."

Bucky's heart stopped. He felt his toes run cold and his eyes shot open to round, scared circles. His hand hesitated at the back of Steve's head. He was waiting for the knife in the gut or the gunshot, but none of that came. Steve kept crying into Bucky's shoulder and Bucky stood there, completely confused and frozen. "Where does that leave us?" Bucky asked.

"Dunno," Steve mumbled. His sobbing was starting to slow down, but he kept his weight pressed into Bucky. "I keep telling myself that you'd never do such a thing if it weren't for HYDRA. That somehow, HYDRA did this to you and you were just a pawn but, you weren't. You honest to God took a blade and pressed it against…" He choked back a sob. "Against Peggy's throat."

Bucky wanted to pull away. He didn't like feeling so exposed. Steve could easily press a knife up into Bucky's ribs, but his body was pushed so close that Bucky couldn't pull his arms down to protect himself. He stood there, wincing and afraid, waiting for a blade that didn't seem like it wanted to appear anytime soon. "I saw…" Bucky mumbled. "I saw her face. In my head and…I got so…" He sucked in a gasp of air. "I got so angry, Steve."

"So you killed her?" Steve's voice was so child-like. Looking back, it was the stupidest thing Bucky had ever done, but he couldn't _tolerate_ knowing that woman was alive and that Steve loved her. It would have eventually ripped Bucky apart.

"I killed her…because I love you, Steve," Bucky said, feeling tears slip from his eyes. "I don't know who I am or what I've become." Bucky opted for a more pity-filled route, hoping that Steve would do something other than cry, maybe even just say he accepted what Bucky had done, and they could just move on. "I'm so sorry," _'No I'm not.' H_e sobbed, grabbing Steve tighter, wrapping his arms so strongly around Steve's neck, he was sure the other felt pain. "I don't know who I am."

Steve pulled Bucky's arms from his neck. He held both hands; metal and flesh, running his thumbs over Bucky's knuckles. "I don't know who you are either," he stated before dropping Bucky's hands and walking to his bed where he wrapped the blankets around himself, and turned his back to Bucky.

Bucky stood there, his eyes wide and his heart racing up into his throat. He could hear his pulse, screaming in his ear as he felt his whole body coming, crashing down around him, slumping into a pile of self-pity and hatred on the floor. Steve didn't forgive him. Steve didn't know him. He wasn't going to ask Bucky what he wanted for breakfast anymore. He wasn't going to ask Bucky what he was thinking or if he was okay. Bucky had lost Steve. He'd failed his mission even before it had started.

Bucky was in love with Steve. HYDRA or not, Bucky was in love with a man that now hated him, probably more than he hated anything else; HYDRA included.

* * *

So about that not hating me thing? 0.0  
Please review, lemme know what you think 3 (I think I hate myself...buuuuuuuuuut X'DDDD)


	6. What Is Love

Warning: Sexual interaction. Also this story got...super dark. Like woah. X'D

* * *

Steve hadn't slept that night. Bucky had curled into the chair, silently, like a cat. Steve couldn't bring himself to close his eyes. He was pretty sure Bucky wasn't sleeping either, but the drapes were pulled and the only light offered in the room was the soft glint of Bucky's metal arm. Steve couldn't see Bucky's eyes and Bucky couldn't see his. This had all been a mistake. Steve had been so sure of Bucky. Bucky had been doing so well. He'd been progressing, smiling, laughing… How did this happen? How did they get here?

Steve pulled his knees up, cradling his shins as he kept facing Bucky. He wouldn't make the mistake of losing that gentle glint in the darkness. He wouldn't make the mistake of allowing Bucky to kill someone else, or worse…slip away. Bucky was better here than he was out there. If he was out there, Steve couldn't stop him.

_Stop him…_

The words were hollow and full of so much misery that Steve thought his throat would close in. He gasped, pretending it was a yawn, but he was smarter than that. He knew Bucky was smarter than that too. They both knew. Steve couldn't trust Bucky anymore. This…this wasn't Bucky. This was a man so broken and mangled and…twisted…that there wasn't anywhere out in the world for him. Steve had to do something about it.

But what? That face was Bucky Barnes. That soft, raspy voice… It was Bucky. But it wasn't Bucky. It was a shell of a human who once walked the earth but now it was just a hollow corpse, too tired to go on, but strong enough to keep walking. It had no sense of morality, no sense of right or wrong and it was Steve's problem now.

Steve's eyes shot wide as he realized he'd reduced Bucky to an "it." The thought was tossed aside quickly. Bucky was a person. He was a human and he deserved the respect of being called one. Steve just…didn't know what to do with…him.

After Peggy's…death… Steve had agreed to negotiate with the CIA. He'd agreed to have a sit down with Sharon and her superiors. He'd agreed to be _collared_. Bucky was the result of someone off their leash and Steve wouldn't become that. He wouldn't be the reason someone's aunt was dead…not again. He had to be Bucky's leash just as much as the CIA had to be Steve's. It disgusted him, but there it was.

The Avengers though… What would they do now? Tony had already been planning to notify the military of Bucky and his existence, his true existence, not just the Winter Soldier propaganda and terrorism bits. The whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you God and all that stuff. Steve figured he'd let Tony tell them. Perhaps- it was better this way…

His stomach churned violently. He clutched at his skin, feeling his nails dig into the skin, raising little red lines. The very thought of allowing Bucky to be taken away, to be thrown in a cell to rot or just be shot… No. Steve wouldn't allow it. He'd have to talk to Tony. He'd have to convince Tony this was better. Bucky needed Steve.

Steve straightened out, stretching out in the bed, pointing his toes till the muscles threatened to clench. His spine cracked as he stretched, arching in his back. He collapsed back. He wasn't going to sleep. This was going to be the longest night ever. He looked over to Bucky. He hadn't moved, not even a single twitch. It was like he was…shut down. Offline. Could that happen? Was it possible that Bucky would just go…offline? Was there some part of HYDRA's programming that they didn't understand that could completely switch off the brain to a temporary hibernating state? He wasn't sure. He didn't want to know honestly. They barely understood HYDRA's work with the Winter Soldier. They needed the data from the CIA. Steve would need to negotiate for it. Though, asking for that was like alerting the entire United States government that Bucky was the Winter Soldier and that would backfire immensely against Steve.

Between the CIA and the Avengers, Steve wasn't sure which side was safer for Bucky now. Everyone had seen Peggy… They'd seen the blood and the horror-filled look that froze in her eyes till Nat closed her eyelids. They'd heard the gurgling. They were all upset for Steve, but while their grief was sympathetic toward him, they were enraged against Bucky.

Steve licked his lips, staring up at the ceiling now. Bucky wasn't safe anywhere. Avengers, CIA, prison, a garbage dump in an alleyway… He couldn't be trusted on his own and he couldn't be trusted with anyone around him. Sighing heavily, Steve looked over again. Bucky was like a corpse, curled up in a chair with his metal hand just hanging, lifelessly over the armrest. No movement, no sound. It was as if he'd just fallen asleep and instead God decided to take him home to heaven.

Would Bucky even go to Heaven after all that had happened? After Peggy. Steve was a spiritual man, but it wasn't something he thought of daily. Bucky's existence brought so many questions that Steve couldn't withstand right now. He stilled, forcing his eyes closed. He wouldn't sleep tonight. But he'd lie here; occasionally looking to Bucky's stilled body. He'd just…lay here. It was all he could do right now. Peggy was dead, the Avengers were angry, Bucky was…completely broken and barely human and Steve, Steve was utterly lost, uncertain and on the verge of a meltdown.

* * *

Steve hadn't spoken to Bucky since last night. He'd look at him, watch Bucky's face contort into a thousand different little, strangled emotions but Steve wouldn't inquire. He wouldn't ask. He would just walk away. Bucky hadn't moved from the chair. Steve had gone downstairs, grabbed breakfast and spoken soft, uncertain pleasantries with Maria and Clint, but Bucky hadn't moved an inch. The only sign of life was in that face. Bucky's stubble was a juxtaposition of color against his pale skin. His eyes were rimmed red, as if he'd been crying, but no tears ever swelled and no tear stains caressed his face. Steve didn't ask why. He didn't want to. He couldn't bring himself to speak to Bucky. He couldn't listen to that caramel smooth voice with its hint of crinkling, fallen leaves. He couldn't watch those eyes swell and wax and wane. Bucky had killed Peggy. Bucky had elected, on his own, to kill Peggy Carter. And what made it so much worse was that Steve knew… Steve knew what was coming and he hadn't moved. He didn't budge. He'd been so scared to upset Bucky that he'd neglected to protect Peggy. It was his fault. Bucky was responsible. He was responsible. It was their fault; collectively.

Steve had slid into a chair in the dining room, seeing Tony and Natasha walk down the stairs. Their faces were tight and heavy bags clung to their eyes. No one seemed to have slept last night. "Morning, Steve," Natasha said in her raspy tone.

"Morning," he greeted automatically.

"I'm making breakfast, if you two want some," Maria said as she poked her head in before going back into the kitchen.

Tony sat at the table, placing a hand on Steve's shoulder gently. "I'm calling Rhodey."

Steve winced. He clicked his tongue, sighing. "N-no. Maybe we shouldn't."

"Steve," Natasha protested. "He killed Peggy. We can't control him."

Steve wanted to defend Bucky. He wanted to say that no one should control Bucky but Bucky. He wanted to rise up and proclaim his conviction and dedication to Bucky, but he just didn't have it in him. Bucky wasn't Bucky. Not anymore. He was a creature stripped of humanity and morality. Even if the old Bucky would slip in every now and then; it wasn't real. It was all an illusion. That's all this had been since the start− a pretty illusion with a nice, neat bow atop it. So Steve sighed, meeting his friends' gazes in turn. He leaned back from the table, watching as Maria set two plates of eggs and bacon in front of Nat and Tony. He watched them silently thank Maria before meeting Steve's gaze again. "So we turn him in to the government? They'll kill him."

"They have to find him first," Tony corrected.

Steve's eyes rounded. He hadn't realized no one else knew. Truthfully, he did, deep down. He did realize he was hiding Bucky's location, even from his friends. But to hear it so loudly. To be sitting here and know that he was still protecting Bucky even after all that had happened… it was eye-opening. He was protecting Bucky. The Bucky who had slit Peggy Carter's throat. He was protecting him. Steve bit his lip, watching as Tony took the first few bites of his bacon. It smelled good, but Steve couldn't stomach anything more than dry toast and yogurt.

"Rhodey will make sure they don't execute him. He'll go on trial," Natasha said, grabbing Steve's wrist and giving it a quick squeeze.

Steve looked up when he heard feet against the hardwood of the staircase. He expected to see brown hair, large blue eyes with cascading, deep, long lashes− but it wasn't. It was Sam. His color hid the bags under his eyes, but Steve knew Sam well enough now to know Sam hadn't slept much either. "Hey," Steve greeted.

Sam nodded, dragging himself into the kitchen, most likely going for the coffee.

"So he gets a trial and then what? Execution? Life in prison?" Steve asked.

Tony scoffed. "C'mon, Rogers," he began. "You can't honestly expect America to just…let it all go. Peggy was the last nail in Barnes' coffin. You can't make excuses for him. He did that."

"I know, Stark!" Steve said; his voice raising. He looked at his companions, watching as their eyes grew wide and their mouths went slack. Natasha's eyes were raw, open and flowing with so much anxiety and confliction that Steve wasn't entirely sure she was surprised at Steve or more surprised at Tony's frank wording. "I know," he said quieter. "He did that. I'm not making an excuse. Just…what if he's−"

"Insane? Broken? Mentally checked out?" Tony offered. "Steve, that's all the more reason to put him down."

"He's a rabid dog, Steve," Clint said from a corner. Steve wasn't remotely surprised Clint had made it into a corner in the room without anyone so much as glancing his way. They were all more than used to his fancy of corners and high vantage points by now. "You put rabid dogs down."

Steve's hands balled into fists. He felt his nails getting dangerously close to breaking skin. He ground his teeth against themselves, mashing loudly as he fought back the outburst. Even after all this… He was still willing to protect Bucky. He was still willing to look past this. Looking past it and forgiving though…those were two entirely different things. "We're not putting anyone down, Clint," he said evenly. "We're not telling Rhodey. I'm going to deal with this."

"Steve," Natasha began, but Steve put up a hand to silence her.

"He's the last thing I have," Steve said softly, losing his composure. His vision blurred as he looked down at the dining room table. "After he's gone…I'm all that's left. Peggy's gone. The Commandos…they're either dead, dying or too far out of my reach, and it's not fair to them to see me like this when they're like…" He broke off, taking in a gasp of air as he shoved the sob back. He wouldn't cry. Everyone was staring at him as if he'd shatter into pieces and he _hated_ how they were looking at him with big, open, sympathetic eyes. "They were Bucky's before they were mine."

Tony stood up, standing behind Steve and rubbing at his shoulders lightly. "We know, Cap," he said softly. "We create our own demons. Believe me, I know. It's hard to let them go."

Natasha pursed her lips, caressing her thumb over Steve's wrist where she still held. "The people aren't safe with him out there. You're not safe with him out there," she said.

Wanting this to end more than anything, Steve heaved a heavy sigh, tensing up as the words trickled out of his mouth like traitorous spies, "He's upstairs. In my room."

Everyone seemed to take a step back, eyes going round and mouths hanging open almost in stupors. "Jesus Christ, Rogers!" Clint shouted, moving to the stairs, Sam right behind him.

"No!" Steve shouted, standing up. "No, please. Don't do this."

Clint hesitated for a minute, but it was Sam who spoke. "What did I tell you about this guy, Rogers?" He furrowed his brow, pressing his lips together as he waited for Steve to respond, but when he didn't, Sam said, "He's not the kind you save."

Steve just shook his head from side to side, watching as Sam and Clint climbed the stairs. He watched as Tony and Natasha followed up the rear and Maria took her place next to Steve, covering his hand with hers. Before she could lace her fingers around his, Steve was jolted out of his haze. He stood abruptly, climbing the stairs frantically and pushing past Natasha and Tony into the room, watching as Clint had an arrow trained on Bucky. Steve had expected some kind of physical altercation. He expected arrows and shouts and scuffles. He didn't expect to see Bucky, staring at the wall with his lips cracked and mouth the tiniest bit parted. He didn't expect to see Bucky's cheeks glistening with silver streaks from fresh tears. His heart squeezed. Bucky was there, bleeding through the corpse of the Winter Soldier. He was seeping through the cracks, suffering as much as Steve, knowing what was happening and being helpless but to continue living this nightmare. Steve could see it. It was in the way those steel-blues glistened the tiniest bit when they saw Steve. It was the remorse that was so heavily etched into those features it was a wonder his face wasn't shattering from the strain. Bucky…Steve's Bucky…was there, just trapped and scared and Steve was the only person who could do anything about it.

"Stop!" Steve shouted, moving to place himself between Bucky and everyone else. His brow was creased as he looked up from under dark lashes, his blue eyes dimming a few shades from the intensity of his gaze. He was standing in a threatening stance, ready to lunge, his hands held out around his thighs, just waiting for someone to come at him.

Everyone crowded into the room, even Bruce was poking his head in from the doorway. He seemed to have been the only one able to sleep. Steve didn't hold it against him. Steve was glad he got some shut-eye.

"Everyone, just…_calm down_," Steve said, watching his friends, his Avengers…his team.

"Steve," Tony said, stepping forward cautiously. "You realize what you're doing?"

Steve blinked, unprepared for the question. He cocked his head to the side.

"Steve, that man…" Tony pointed to Bucky. "He killed Peggy in cold blood. Cold blood, big guy. How long's it going to be till he does it again? What if you drop another name and he decides to go on a killing spree?"

Steve flinched. He looked over his shoulder to Bucky. Steel-blues were still transfixed on the wall as tears continued to silently stream from his face. "Let me get one thing…really clear…to all of you," Steve said evenly, meeting everyone's gaze. "I'm not protecting him. I'm watching him. You think the US government's going to be able to contain him? You think it's safe giving him to soldiers with families? I'm protecting _them_ from _him_!"

Clint dropped his bow, putting the arrow back into the quiver. "Steve's right."

Natasha also relaxed, but her expression was tight, as if she was simply putting her faith in Clint and not Steve.

"I'm going to negotiate with the CIA. No one gets to know about Bucky. Not the CIA, not the military, not some super secret agency I haven't heard of. This is my burden. You're all free to go," Steve said, standing up straight and crossing his arms over his chest. "There's no Avengers or S.H.I.E.L.D to keep you here."

"That's the thing, Steve," Sam said. "No one's telling us to stay. We're staying because we're your friends. You're gonna need help babysitting him."

Steve felt his back muscles tense at the notion of having to babysit Bucky. Sam wasn't far off from the truth though. Bucky had become just as much a prisoner here as he was with HYDRA. He couldn't leave. Steve wouldn't let him. Steve would track him down and…do whatever was necessary to make sure Bucky didn't kill again. "Maria, get Sharon. Tell her I want to meet."

Maria nodded and headed out of the overly-crowded room.

Steve wasn't surprised at his friends' behavior. He expected this. People like them weren't exactly common. Who else could Steve share his life experiences with, if not these people? They all had histories and skeletons they weren't proud of. Steve used to think his only major fault was having to end lives in the name of his country, but it had been HYDRA and Nazis, and they were all evil… Bucky was officially the dark stain on Steve's ledger. He was officially the skeleton that lingered in Steve's closet.

Tony stepped forward, shaking his head. "Steve…this is a mistake."

"It's my mistake to make, Stark," Steve growled. He balled up his fists, straightening out so that he towered over Tony's smaller form.

Tony gave one last, lingering look at Bucky before scoffing and heading out, Bruce falling in toe behind him.

"You got something snappy to say too?" Steve asked, directing it at Sam.

"Steve," Natasha interjected. "They're just worried about you."

"I'm fine!" he said, a bit too loudly. "Everyone just needs to back the hell off."

Clint and Natasha took that as their hint. Silently, they made their way out of the room, but Sam lingered. He stood there, his chin held high and his eyes fixed on Steve.

"Sam…"

"No, Steve, listen," Sam began. "I'm with you, man. We're all with you. But things are gonna change. It's only a matter of time before something else happens. We can't trust him like we thought we could. That's all I'm saying. Just…be ready, and don't hesitate when it happens. That's all I ask."

Steve didn't answer. He watched as Sam held up his hands in surrender, exiting the room and closing the door behind him. Steve was left with Bucky. The room was painfully silent, save for Steve's racing heartbeat. He turned around, looking to Bucky.

Bucky was sitting there, still in the same position from the night before; though his eyes were fixed on Steve. Those eyes were dark now, dark and cloudy. Steve didn't know what to expect, so he huffed out all the anger he had been holding back and sat heavily onto the bed, hearing the metal springs protest in earnest. They both sat there in the heavy silence for what felt like an eternity.

Steve had defied all logic because of gut-feeling. Bucky was dangerous. Bucky was a murderer. Bucky wasn't the same Bucky who left for England back in the 40's and he wasn't the same Bucky that fell from the train. It would have made sense to hand him over to the government. Steve could wash his hands from the guilt that hit him every second that Bucky still drew breath. Bucky was his fault too. Peggy and Bucky were both doomed because of Steve. Steve had asked Bucky to join the fight again, to get back into the thick of it when he had a chance to be out and of course Bucky had followed, because Bucky loved Steve more than life. He'd have gladly given his life for Steve, but he didn't even get to do that because of Steve. Steve was the reason he'd been brainwashed, tortured, beaten, dehumanized, reprogrammed, undone…

Steve sighed heavily, trying to steady his fraying nerves. His fingers trembled lightly as he thought back to when he first saw Bucky at Stark Tower. Those eyes had been dead. That body had been changed. Everything was different, but Steve was blinded by it. He was blind and ignorant to the idea that Bucky would never be the same again. He'd been so hopeful that Bucky would remember himself and all this could be set aside, but it seemed like a lost dream at this point. This Bucky…this…monster… was the thing that was left, and Steve had to own up to him, because he'd created him. He'd created this Bucky. He did this.

"Steve…"

Ocean-blue's rounded as the raspy sound rocked through his body like a gentle ocean wave. Steve gripped the bed, suppressing the shiver he felt.

"M'sorry."

Steve's back tensed and he fought the urge to curl in on himself and just…lose it. He closed his eyes, listening to his breathing, focusing on the gentle way his chest rose and fell.

His eyes snapped open as he felt weight next to him. Bucky had moved. He pressed his forehead against Steve's shoulder. Steve could feel hot tears dampen his shirt. "M'sorry," Bucky said again.

Steve shook his head. He couldn't do this. He couldn't have this conversation. If he opened his mouth, it would all spill out. All his guilt, all his fears and anger… it would all be projected at Bucky and Steve knew this Bucky couldn't take that. He'd collapse in on himself and there'd be more bodies in his wake, perhaps even Steve's.

When Steve didn't respond, Bucky became more agitated. He mewled, a high-pitch, desperate sound, inching closer to Steve, curling into Steve's lap. Steve didn't have the heart to push him away. He let this man curl into him, press fresh tears against his shirt and rest his thighs against Steve. Steve just swallowed hard, willing himself to keep quiet. His fingers trembled in rage as he looked to Bucky's hands. _'Those hands killed, Peggy.'_ Steve could feel his shoulders begin to tremble as he tried his best to force the anger and revulsion back down.

Bucky whined again, a desperate, animalistic sound. He grabbed at Steve's shirt, pushing his head against Steve's collarbone. "Steve, please…"

"Steve," Maria called through the door, knocking a few rhythms. "Sharon's gonna be here soon. You may want to get things settled in there and come down."

Steve gently pushed Bucky away. He stood up, staring at the door. "Can I trust you'll still be here when I get back?"

"Yeah," Bucky responded weakly. "I'll do whatever you want."

"Then stay put. Don't come out for any reason."

"Yessir," Bucky responded. Steve flinched at the way it was so automatic. Steve had given an order, and Bucky followed. HYDRA had programmed him to follow orders and Bucky listened. Bucky had just traded HYDRA for Steve…one tether for another. Steve couldn't decide if he hated himself or HYDRA more.

* * *

"You'll be an agent, basically, but pretty high-ranking. You'll still be able to travel with the Avengers when authorized," Sharon said from her spot on the sofa. Her tea was still steaming in front of her, creating lazy swirls in the air. Steve was more focused on that then the small resemblance in Sharon's features that looked so much like her late aunt… Her eyes were tired and her face puffy. She'd been crying before she'd arrived. If she knew that her aunt's killer was just directly above her head, sitting on a chair…

"When authorized?" Tony asked. "You mean he has to get permission if he wants to come up and see me?" Thankfully, Tony didn't seem to hold onto his anger from their last conversation, but the tension in his neck and shoulders was evident, like a rock under pressure, preparing to break into pieces.

"He'll have vacation days for visitation. Those are separate from authorized Avengers missions," Sharon clarified. "Steve…it's a good job."

"Oh please!" Clint scoffed. "It's a glorified desk job. He'll be shaking hands with politicians more than he'll be out in the field."

Sharon straightened. "Is that a bad thing? Don't any of you get tired of fighting?"

The room fell awkwardly silent. Sam cleared his throat.

Sharon sighed. "We'll give you all the HYDRA tech from the bank vaults, the inventory you requested. Temporarily. Again, not to mention the money and−"

"I heard you the first time, Sharon," Steve said, a bit too icily. He felt a lump form in his throat as she winced. "I'm sorry. It's just…well you know how it's been."

Sharon nodded slowly, pushing her lips together. "I loved my aunt, too. I understand."

"So, I trade my freedom for HYDRA tech and some good benefits. That how this deal goes?" Steve concluded.

Sharon averted her gaze, her lips twitching as she seemed to struggle for something to say. "We're not locking you in a cell. We're just asking you report to headquarters Monday through Friday and yes…shake hands with politicians."

Steve held out his hand for Sharon to shake. "Deal."

Clint rolled his eyes, but Natasha merely elbowed him.

Sharon stood up, looking a thousand times more relaxed than she did when she came in. "Good. I'll let my supervisors know. I'll call you, okay?"

Steve nodded. "When do we get the tech?"

"I can have it delivered here today," Sharon said as she slipped her blazer back on.

"That'd be great," Tony answered, cracking his knuckles. "I'm dying to see what HYDRA's got going on under the hood."

Steve nodded. He walked Sharon to the door, freshly put up the day before by Tony and Bruce. He shifted on his feet awkwardly. "Sharon…"

"Did she suffer?"

Steve looked up, meeting her gaze. Her face was proud with her chin held high and her eyes relaxed, but Steve knew better. She was fighting off the storm inside, the anger and sadness that came as a result of losing her aunt. "It was quick; I don't think she had time to realize what was happening." Steve was partly lying. It was quick, but she knew. Her eyes had said everything. She'd known what was happening and she looked to Steve to do something and he'd just…stood there.

Sharon nodded. "Just catch that bastard. I want to see him dead. D.C has suffered enough of him."

Steve's throat squeezed. He nodded tightly, swallowing away the lump in the back of his throat. She was referring to Bucky…the monster that now resided in Steve's closet. The man upstairs. She wanted him brought to justice and she had every right to wish it. The Winter Soldier had killed one of the founders of S.H.I. . It was making headlining news and no matter how hard Steve would fight it…he'd have to answer to the American public about what he'd seen. He'd have to lie to them and say the Winter Soldier wasn't his lover. He'd have to lie to children and say he had no idea who he was or where he was. He'd unleash fear and insecurity as people would become distrusting of each other and have yet another reason to be afraid at night. Steve was piling up the reasons to hate himself today…and it had only been just one, single day since Peggy was murdered.

Sharon hugged Steve, catching him off guard. He hugged her back, listening to her sniffle softly. "I'll see you soon, Steve," she said.

Steve opened the door for her and watched her as she got into a black SUV. He lingered there in the doorway, watching cars go by and a couple walk their dog. They waved at him, the female realizing who he was as she did a double take and swung back to ask for a picture. Steve obliged, posing for her selfie, offering a soft crooked-grin instead of his usual bright smiles. He just didn't have it in him to smile anymore, but he didn't have it in him to turn her away. She thanked him politely before running back to her boyfriend (or fiancé, or husband or whatever, Steve didn't know) and waved goodbye.

Steve closed the door, jogging back upstairs. Bucky was back on the chair, but he was at least sitting upright. He was lightly chewing his bottom lip. Steve had loved it when Bucky bit at his lips; with their gentle curve at the corners…

Steve averted his eyes, looking to the mirror atop the dresser. He hated himself. He hated himself because he still found Bucky to be the most breathtaking person to walk the planet. His face was porcelain flawless, stubble and worry lines and all. His lips were the perfect shade of red and always plump; begging to be kissed. Steve sat across from Bucky on the bed, analyzing those features. This was Bucky… He just had to keep reminding himself that underneath the brainwashing and the PTSD, this was Bucky…he just…wasn't out of his shell yet. Maybe if Steve got him out…this would all be over. Maybe things could go back to the way things were.

Steve knew he was fooling himself. Things would never be the same. Every time he looked at Bucky's flawless face, or down at those fingers…Steve would know. Steve would know that Bucky had ended Peggy Carter's life. He couldn't forgive that.

* * *

Bucky watched Steve carefully, nibbling his bottom lip absent-mindedly, waiting for Steve to say or do something. It had been hell to endure Steve's silent treatment, because it wasn't honestly a silent treatment, not truly. Steve just kept a wall there where there once had been a relationship. It had been so easy to slip into Steve's life. It had been so easy to press kisses against Steve's lips and explore what it felt like to be human. Bucky had no one to blame for this hardship but himself. He'd lost his mind. He'd given himself over to…emotions…now he understood with frightening clarity why HYDRA had programmed him the way he was. They were safeguarding him from this. They were trying to protect him from the pain that now weighed heavy in his heart, like a pound of rocks, scraping the bottom of it as it beat along its sad rhythm. They had only wanted him to be free of the guilt that sat in his stomach that weighed him down. His limbs were slow and he had to fight so hard to will himself to move. Pierce would be ashamed if he saw Bucky now. He'd call him weak…maybe even a failure. Bucky had never failed before; at least, that's what he was programmed to believe. He wanted to make HYDRA proud. He needed it.

He needed it as much as he needed Steve. It terrified Bucky how desperate he was to have Steve see him as he had before. The way Steve looked at him now… It was like Bucky wasn't a person to him anymore. Rumlow even looked at Bucky with gentler eyes. Bucky hated that. The one person in the entire world that had given Bucky everything, had asked him how he felt and what he wanted to eat and if he was feeling okay…that one person who had let him sleep in his bed at night and would caress his arm and kiss his lashes no longer even looked at him, but looked through him. Bucky bit his lip harder, dragging his teeth along the soft flesh, feeling his lip tug against his teeth. His breathing quickened as Steve continued to just…look at him.

"Steve…" Bucky croaked. "Please tell me what you're thinking."

Steve looked taken aback. He jerked his head back lightly, as if the soft sound waves of Bucky's voice was too much to endure. He settled back, pressing his lips together and just shook his head from side to side softly.

Bucky allowed a whine to escape his throat. He dropped to his knees, crawling over to Steve and wrapping his arms around one of Steve's legs as he dropped his face against Steve's knee. "What're you gonna do with me?"

Steve inhaled deeply, in through the mouth and out the nose. Bucky closed his eyes. He'd fucked up. He'd completely and utterly failed this mission. The one person he was tasked to distrusted him more than anything. Tony would sooner put a bullet in the back of Bucky's head than speak to him and the rest of the Avengers- Bucky was sure none of them would be in a ten foot radius of him. What was HYDRA thinking, putting Bucky into a mission like this after he'd messed up the original one?

"I dunno, Buck," Steve finally said.

Relief washed over Bucky's body, cascading down his neck, over his shoulders and down his back at the sound of Steve's voice. He shivered. He brushed his face against Steve's knee. "What do you wanna do with me?"

Steve laughed. It was dark, empty and terrifying. Bucky looked up, seeing Steve biting down into his own lip, shaking his head, his eyes were dark and lidded. "You used to be this…person," Steve said. "You were this person full of life and energy− and then the war took you. It changed you and I know it did. I watched it happen. You got anxious, desperate, clingy. But I didn't mind." Steve shrugged. "Why would I mind my boyfriend holding onto me a bit tighter at night? What on earth did I have to be upset about?"

Bucky sat back on his feet, his mouth ajar as he stared at Steve, trepidation coiling into Bucky's eyes.

"So during the war I just thought, "Nah, Bucky's fine! It's just this place! He'll be just dandy and back to normal after!" But…there was no after." His voice dropped, getting quieter and deeper. "The war killed you. I watched you die and I couldn't save you. Then I thought I died. I thought I woke up in a nightmare with all the sounds and alarms and…people around me. I thought you were still dead."

Bucky ran his tongue against his two front teeth, sliding it back and forth from there to his molars and back again; listening to Steve's every word.

"Then here you were." Steve swallowed hard, nodding. "And I thought again…everything's gonna be okay. But it's not okay, Buck. It's anything but okay. You're not what I remember. I can't decide if I love you out of obligation or if I love you because I love you…"

Bucky's heart fluttered, before the words truly got to sink in. He cocked his head to the side, feeling cold hands cup his heart, holding it there, threatening to squeeze but never actually going through with it.

"So…I don't know what I'm gonna do with you, Bucky. All I know is I can't give you to the US government and I can't let you go."

Bucky looked away, closing his mouth to grind this teeth in thought. He saw the opening. He could ask… He could reach up and take his chances but he was…terrified. This man wasn't as welcoming and warm as Steve Rogers had been once. This man was a frozen tundra of anger and bitterness. He wasn't soft. He was brittle and Bucky wasn't sure when he'd break. Bucky stood up, sitting on the chair again, nodding slowly. "Whatever you command, I'll do it."

"I don't want you to listen to me because I give an order, Bucky!" Steve shouted back. "I just want my Bucky back!"

Bucky's eyes fluttered in a display of shock, his mouth hanging open again. Steve seemed just as shocked by his outburst. He covered his mouth with his hand, his brow shooting up into his hairline. They sat there trading glances, allowing the silence to drain into their ears like it had never left in the first place.

"But you're not him," Steve finished, quieter now. He looked away; his Adam's apple bobbing momentarily.

"I never was," Bucky answered, truthfully. He'd never been James Barnes. But he wished to the moon and back that he'd been. He wished he'd known what it truly felt to love Steve Rogers. Bucky…loved him…or at least he thought he did. It was a desperate need and constant desire. Bucky spent most of the day thinking about Steve and when Steve was around he spent that time just thinking of other ways to think about Steve. Sure it was both for the benefit of HYDRA and Bucky…but couldn't Bucky get some kind of gratification out of this? Couldn't he find some peace in Steve Rogers? HYDRA wasn't so cruel to believe that he wouldn't fall for Rogers, right? They couldn't assume that Bucky would just…go through this without ever evolving or changing. Steve…had changed Bucky. Bucky had wants, needs, aspirations suddenly and of course they all revolved around HYDRA and Steve but they were there! They were real.

Steve huffed out a humorless laugh. "No. You haven't. My Bucky died."

Bucky felt the cold hands finally squeeze, pressing into his heart, making him shift uncomfortably as he fought to relieve the pressure that built in his chest.

"My Peggy died… my Bucky died."

Bucky felt the hands pull at his heart, ripping it from its strings, dragging it against his spine. Everything was crumbling. He'd failed. He failed HYDRA. He failed Steve. He'd just…that woman… the rage he'd felt when her name was brought up. The idea that Steve could love someone other than Bucky− it'd stirred something so primal and ancient in Bucky that he hadn't known what was up or down. And the strange sense of familiarity. Bucky couldn't shake how familiar Peggy had been. It'd been like he'd known her...

"I don't know what to do," Bucky said. He wasn't meant for this. He was designed to kill, to assassinate, to creep in and get out. He wasn't designed for complicated social interactions. He wasn't made to love someone.

Steve sighed again. "Neither do I."

Bucky stood up, quickly and silently. He pressed one knee into the bed next to Steve, and then dropped the other on the other side of Steve's thigh. He didn't know what he was doing. He didn't understand his sudden desire to be so close; he just knew that he _needed_ it. He straddled Steve, slipping his hands into Steve's short, blonde hair. He pressed his body close, feeling Steve's chest rise and fall against his stomach. He kissed the top of Steve's head, relaxing against Steve, allowing his knees to slide out a bit till the muscles protested from how close they were to doing the splits. He kissed Steve's temple, the corner of his eyes, the tip of his cheekbone and down his jaw line before he repeated against the other side of Steve's face.

"Bucky…" Steve whispered. He reached up under Bucky's shirt, running his fingers against Bucky's back, pulling at the skin as he grasped at Bucky's hips, pulling him in closer.

"I'll do whatever you want," Bucky whispered, pressing a kiss to Steve's nose. "Where ever you want."

"You don't even know what you're doing," Steve protested softly, but his hands were running over Bucky's butt, cupping it tightly.

"Teach me then," Bucky responded, rocking his hips. He didn't know what he was doing, but he knew enough by now from being with Steve that this was what they were supposed to do. This is how he'd been with James Barnes. If Bucky had learned anything from sucking Steve's cock, it was that it felt _good_ when it got touched, and Bucky wanted to know what that felt like.

Steve picked Bucky up, slamming him into the wall. The dresser shook, rocking back and forth on the hardwood as the two super soldiers clashed their lips against each other's, roughly to the sounds of wet, sloppy sounds and clacking teeth. "This doesn't change anything," Steve said huskily as he came up for air. He brushed his lips over Bucky's lightly, pulling a whine from Bucky's throat.

"I know," Bucky responded. He caught Steve's bottom lip between his teeth and he tugged gently, relishing in the feral groan that Steve responded with. He wrapped his legs around Steve's torso tightly, holding onto him as he curled his arms around his shoulders and laced his metal fingers into Steve's hair, pulling roughly.

Steve hissed, nipping down Bucky's throat, biting and tugging at the skin. It was feral and desperate, but it was everything that Bucky needed right now. He couldn't be deprived of Steve. He'd go insane if Steve was taken from him. Steve was like the sun and there was a _god damned_ gravitational pull around him. It was no wonder HYDRA had failed against him each and every time. Steve was a celestial force that didn't play by the rules of mortal men. "Steve!" Bucky cried out as he felt his skin break from where Steve had bit into his neck. He rolled his hips instinctively, as if trying to push Steve away, but his desire was anything but.

Steve's tongue lapped at the lightly tarnished skin, sucking and slurping at the veins that rose to the top under the skin. His breath was hot against Bucky's skin as he moved to the other side of Bucky's neck, sucking and swirling his tongue around the skin, pulling deep bruises to the forefront.

Steve pulled them from the wall slamming Bucky down onto the bed as he went to pull his shirt off over his head. He tossed it to the side carelessly, climbing onto the bed and claiming the spot between Bucky's legs, claiming Bucky's lips as his. He pushed Bucky against the bed, pressing a firm hand into Bucky's chest. He groaned, rocking his hips into Bucky.

Bucky gasped, feeling Steve's hard cock through the fabric of their pants. Bucky's limbs trembled as fear snaked into the bottom of his spine, slowly chilling his tailbone and coiling up into his neck. His cock throbbed desperately, trying to will the fear away but it was so apparent. Steve was an animal, lost to primal urges and Bucky couldn't do anything against it. He didn't want to, but the fear was there. He felt Steve's fingers pull at his shirt, curling into the rim and ripping it open. Bucky yelped in surprise, but was met with an onslaught of desperate, wet kisses, pressing against his cheeks, his lips, the cleft of his chin.

Steve's fingers ran down Bucky's chest, digging his nails in just enough to raise red lines across the pale skin. "You're gorgeous, baby," Steve breathed against Bucky's clavicle as he lapped at the dip of the bone. "I wanna devour you."

Bucky bit his lip, giggling lightly. "Devour me," he responded, rolling his hips to press his hard-on against Steve's. "Do whatever you want with me, Steve."

Steve smiled devilishly before pressing more wet kisses, leaving a trail of glistening saliva from one clavicle to the other. He nipped at the bone, pulling small yelps and gasps from Bucky as he left red bruises, claiming Bucky's body as his. "I'm gonna teach you how to feel real good, Buck."

Bucky nodded enthusiastically, breathing heavily as he fought the urge to pull Steve's lips back to his. This felt right. This felt so right. Steve had cast aside Peggy, he'd cast aside his morality and his convictions. This was necessity to both of them and Bucky was so _damn_ glad he'd pushed his luck.

"Teach me, Steve, oh please, _please_ teach me," Bucky whined, rocking his hips into Steve's again, shivering as his cock pressed into Steve's inner thigh. He gasped as the slight contact sent a _zing_ up his spine.

Steve laughed darkly, kissing down from Bucky's collar bones to his nipples, flicking out his tongue to greet the pink flesh softly before sucking them into his mouth. He nibbled lightly, swirling his tongue to soothe the sting that began to build in Bucky's chest from the sensation. Bucky's fingers wrapped themselves in Steve's hair, pulling and tugging as he rolled his body against Steve, trying desperately to keep that feeling in his cock. He loved it, he wanted it. Was this what it was like to be truly human? Was it possible to feel this good and then have it get better? Bucky yelped, bringing his mind to the forefront as Steve tugged at his other nipple, flicking it with his tongue before pulling it into a slurping kiss.

Steve licked down Bucky's sternum, placing sloppily and wet kisses down the middle of Bucky's stomach, swirling his tongue around the navel and flicking his tongue in before grazing his teeth over it. "S-Steve!" Bucky gasped, rolling his body against the sensation. "It's…s'weird," Bucky mumbled, pushing his head back and biting at his lower lip.

"You don't like it, doll?"

Bucky shook his head, swallowing hard. "N-no, I like it. It's just- different."

Steve moved to place a quick, wet peck against Bucky's swollen lips. He laughed, brushing his nose against Bucky's. "You used to do it to me all the time."

Bucky pushed at Steve's shoulders, rolling his hips up into Steve. "Steve…please," he suggest softly, looking down at his neglected lower half. He didn't want to think about James Barnes and all the things he got to share with Steve.

Steve pulled Bucky in for a deep kiss, pressing his tongue into Bucky's mouth. Bucky had become so used to this feeling that it was like second nature for his own tongue to slip against Steve's greeting it flirtatiously, pulling back and pushing forward at the right time. His fingers roamed over Steve's back, feeling each dip in the muscle or curve of his spine. Steve was flawless, sculpted perfection and Bucky didn't understand why HYDRA wanted him dead more than alive.

Steve pulled back allowing Bucky's legs to drop to either side of him as he licked at Bucky's hips, tracing the protruding bone with the most feather light flicks of the tongue. The heat of Steve's tongue cooled instantly as he'd pull away, driving Bucky mad with anticipation. He wanted to know what this felt like. He wanted to understand how he'd made Steve feel so good. "Steve!" he whined out loudly. "Please make me feel good, please I wanna feel good."

Steve growled, but Bucky was sure it was supposed to be laughter. Strong fingers came to play at the button of Bucky's black pants as Steve licked and sucked at Bucky's Adonis line. "Imma make you feel good, doll. Don't you worry." The words tickled against Bucky's skin as Steve yanked Bucky's pants away from his thigh and over his knee. Bucky lifted his legs, allowing Steve to cast the pants aside, leaving them crumbled on the floor. "Christ, Bucky, you're so perfect." He pressed kisses against Bucky's thighs, swirling his tongue around the skin as he did, leaving glistening, silver dots against Bucky's skin.

Bucky moaned, arching his back as his dick throbbed harder. "Steve…please now. Please, I can't take this."

Steve licked at the side of his lips as he looked up from under a blanket of soft, charcoal eyelashes. "It's all part of making you feel good. It's better this way. Trust me okay?"

Bucky nodded, biting into his lip. "I trust you."

Something faltered in Steve's expression before he blinked it away. Bucky wasn't sure if it was realization of what was happening or something else, but Bucky didn't want to know. He just wanted this to keep going. He pressed his head back into the bed, whimpering as he felt his cock pang desperately, crying out to be touched. He curled his fingers into the bedding as Steve continued to lap against Bucky's inner thigh, nibbling gently against the sensitive skin. Bucky gasped, rolling his hips into the air, wishing desperately that he knew what it felt like to have Steve's mouth over his cock.

He sucked in his lips, whining desperately as Steve's fingers caressed up and down his thighs. The pads of his fingers lightly brushed over Bucky's sac, causing him to jerk away momentarily. "Don't stop, please don't stop!" Bucky cried out, seeing Steve pull back from his adverse reaction. "I didn't expect it. Please don't stop, Steve."

Steve pulled Bucky's legs over his shoulders, spreading him slightly as he nodded in response. He traced his nose up Bucky's thigh, humming softly. Bucky pushed his head back into the bed, rocking his hips into the air as he fought the utter torture that his body was being put though. It was intoxicating and Bucky could feel his nerves fraying and splitting as his hardened cock sent desperate pulses through his body, begging desperately to be touched. "You ready, doll baby?" Steve asked, breathing against Bucky's cock. His breath was hot and moist. It sent chills up into Bucky's spine. Bucky rolled his head back, moaning.

"Yes, Steve, yes, _yes_, m'ready," he begged.

Steve lapped up from the base to the tip of Bucky's cock, pulling a near shriek from Bucky. He instantly stopped, attempting to back away but Bucky's legs held him there. "No don't stop! I just didn't expect …_that_."

Steve paused, still eyeing Bucky warily. "If it gets too much, you tell me to stop, okay?"

Bucky nodded, licking at his dry lips. "I'll tell you. I swear."

Steve pressed a soft kiss against Bucky's slit, giving his tongue a slow twirl around the tip, testing how Bucky would react. Bucky arched his back, moaning loudly. "Shhh," Steve said against Bucky's cock. "Can't be too loud or they'll hear you." The words made Steve's lips dance across Bucky's cockhead in delicious ways, sending shivers down into Bucky's toes.

"S-sorry," Bucky whispered breathily.

Steve wrapped his lips around Bucky's cock, pulling him into his mouth and swirling his wet tongue around the length, paying special attention to the corona, tickling its underside flirtatiously. Bucky hummed, rocking his hips gently, greeting Steve's mouth excitedly. He'd never felt something so good. His nerves were singing, blasting him with so much pleasure he wasn't sure if he was going to start crying from how good it felt or start laughing. He twirled his fingers absent-mindedly in Steve's hair, moaning and mumbling each time Steve's tongue traced up his length.

Steve enveloped Bucky's cock, sucking hard, making wet _pop_ sounds each time his lips broke from Bucky's tip. He pressed his tongue against the slit, swirling around it slowly; tauntingly. "Mmm, St-eve, Steve please more, _please_ more," Bucky begged. He arched his back, fighting the urge to squeeze Steve's head between his legs.

Steve obliged, taking Bucky into his mouth again and sucking hard, swirling his tongue around the erection. His fingers went to caress Bucky's inner thigh, moving further back to the gentle curve of his butt. He squeezed Bucky's ass, eliciting a pleasurable yelp from Bucky.

Bucky couldn't decide if it was better with his eyes open or closed. The sensations that were pulsating through his body were near-insanity inducing, but watching Steve work his cock over was about as nearly insanity-inducing. Steve's lashes were dark against his cheeks as he bobbed softly. He'd occasionally look up and their eyes would meet and it was like Bucky's heart would stop. There was a glint there, a devilish, knowing glint in Steve's eyes. He knew what he was doing to Bucky and he enjoyed it. Bucky gasped, watching Steve's tongue lap at his tip. How was this possible to feel this good and not just explode from it?

Bucky wrapped his fingers so tightly into Steve's short hair he wasn't sure if he was hurting the blonde or not. He needed this. It felt so good, like that wall was being brought down, brick by brick as Steve bobbed up and down as he sucked at Bucky's cock. Peggy Carter was a distant memory and all that remained was the pleasure and extreme happiness that Bucky felt. How had he gone though life so far without this feeling? "Mm, mm, mmm," Bucky whined in the rhythm that Steve had set, bobbing up and down, slurping his tongue against the veins in Bucky's cock.

He swirled his tongue once more time around before pulling up with a loud _pop_. "I'm gunna put a finger in you, okay, Bucky?"

Bucky's brow furrowed. He hadn't done that to Steve! Was that normal? He guessed it was normal, since Steve seemed to think it was. Bucky paused for a second, looking at his reddened, swollen cock. It glistened with Steve's saliva, sparkling against the light that shined into the room from the open blinds. He ran his tongue over his bottom lip, nodding slowly.

Steve pressed a kiss to the tip of Bucky's cock, pulling a soft gasp from Bucky. "I swear it'll feel good."

Bucky leaned back, running his tongue back and forth against his bottom lip, waiting for the sensation to come. He moaned loudly, his eyes rolling up as Steve wrapped his hot mouth around his cock again, pumping at a steady rate, sucking lightly and gently chewing at the tip, causing Bucky to lurch his hips forward. Steve pulled back expertly, careful not to cut his teeth into Bucky's cock. "Careful, Bucky," he whispered, kissing up Bucky's cock. "Don't wanna bite you."

Bucky moaned loudly, forgetting about Steve's warning from earlier. He brought his hands up to cover his mouth, smacking his face loudly as he did so. Steve laughed in response before pulling Bucky's length into his mouth again, guiding it with his tongue as he used his other hand to wrap around Bucky's thigh, and the other to finger at Bucky's hole. He stopped for a second, spitting on his finger and coating it with the salvia. "We don't have any lube, so this may hurt just a bit…but I swear it's worth it."

Bucky sucked in a deep breath, trying his best to relax. Bucky was used to pain. it was part of his programming. What he wasn't used to was feeling so utterly exposed to someone else, at least like this, from what he could remember… He only knew what HYDRA programmed him to know. All the other details were lost to him.

Steve's finger pressed into him. Bucky gasped, feeling his muscles flutter around the intrusion, unsure if to pull inward or push outward. Steve went back to sucking at Bucky's cockhead, swirling his tongue around it before sucking him deep in, allowing Bucky's cock to hit the back of his throat. "Ah! Steve, Oh God, oh God, Steve!"

Bucky gasped as he felt the finger push forward, swirling inside him and curling gently, caressing over the caverns of his muscles there. He pushed against it, shivering as waves of pleasure shot into his body, exploding at the tips of his extremities. "Steve…" he breathed out. "Feels good…"

Steve laughed around Bucky's cock, pulling him deep into his mouth again. Bucky felt Steve's gag reflexes close over him, tightening around him. He moaned out, desperate cries of _oh shit, oh shit, oh shit_. Steve pulled back, swirling his tongue and working his finger, pumping it back and forth, curling it gently each time he'd almost bring it out, stretching the hole ever so slightly. He dropped Bucky's cock, allowing it to drop back against Bucky's abdomen, dripping saliva against his lower abs. "I'm gonna insert another finger, k?"

Bucky only nodded this time. He felt Steve pull his fingers up, spitting onto them again as he rubbed them together. Bucky hissed as the digits entered him.

Steve pumped his fingers in and out, curling them and brushing them against the sides of Bucky's muscles, twisting them in small gentle twirls. Bucky started to whine desperately, feeling pleasure tingle up his legs, into his cock and exploding up into his abdomen. He rolled his head, breathing heavily. "Steve…Steve I want more. Feels good."

Steve grabbed Bucky's dick, pumping it a few times before bringing it into his mouth again. He pumped his fingers to the rhythm he bobbed his head. "Ah, ah, Steve, Steve, yes, yes please, yes," Bucky whined in rhythm to Steve. His throat was dry from how heavy he was panting but he didn't care. It felt so good. It felt like a gentle fire, calm at first but growing and growing in his stomach till it was an inferno, spreading out from his cock to the tip of his nose, his fingers and his toes. His spine shivered constantly as Steve's fingers curled inside him, twirling around and exploring parts of Bucky he didn't know truly existed.

Bucky rocked against Steve's fingers, moaning each time his fingers would plunge back into him. "Steve, Steve, Steve," Bucky whispered each time, feeling tears prickle at the sides of his eyes. It felt so good, why was he crying? "More, please more."

Steve listened, not stopping his gentle rhythm as he inserted another, dry, finger. Bucky gasped as his body struggled to accommodate, but the pain wasn't anything overwhelming to him and the pleasure in his cock was enough to make him forget it before it truly had a chance to start. He swallowed hard, looking down at Steve, watching as his brow was furrowed and his mouth wide as he continued to take Bucky back, deep into his throat. His shoulders were lightly tinted pink from the friction between Bucky's legs. He was beautiful. Everything was beautiful. Why hadn't he done this before with Steve?

"Ah, ah, oh God, Steve, oh God, Steve, _Steve_ I don't…" Bucky gasped, feeling his stomach heat up as his groin warmed and built into the most unique of sensations. It was like a cannon being fired, heavy at first before it exploded into a pulsating feeling of ecstasy and Bucky swore he saw colors that didn't exist in the back of his head. His muscles tensed around Steve as he squeezed his legs around Steve's head, curling his fingers into the bed sheets and shrieking out partly in terror of how overwhelming the sensation was and at how _fucking _good it felt. Something hot spilled from his cock, but it wasn't steady like piss. It pumped heavily at first, slowing its intensity as Steve continued to pull it down into him, swallowing. "Steve, Steve what's…I don't know," he panted. The sensation around his cock became too much and he frantically pulled away, feeling his limbs shake as he curled into himself.

"Hey, hey it's okay, Bucky" Steve cooed. "It was just an orgasm. It's okay. It goes away." Steve pressed a kiss into Bucky's shoulder, massaging his fingers down Bucky's shaking back. "It felt good, right?"

Bucky nodded breathlessly. "Y-yeah. I think so."

Steve laughed, pulling Bucky onto his back again. "It'll feel better if you let me keep going."

Bucky panted, staring up at Steve. "What's there left to do?"

Steve laughed. "Jesus, you really don't know anything do you?"

Bucky felt ashamed. He knew what HYDRA had let him know. Anything else was beyond his need and he just trusted that HYDRA would do everything it could to succeed. Bucky was just a weapon. He wasn't meant for missions like this. He wasn't programmed to experience sensations like this.

Steve caressed his hands down Bucky's chest, feeling the rise of his pectorals and the dip between of his sternum. "I need this, Buck," he whispered. "I can't do this anymore either."

Bucky sat up, feeling his limbs tremble slightly. "Whatever you want me to do, I'll do it."

Steve's face contorted for a moment, creasing his brow. He pushed his lips together, shaking his head. "No, Buck. I don't want you to do something because you think you have to."

Bucky grabbed Steve's hand, tracing the light blue veins under the skin. "I want to."

Steve licked at the corner of his mouth, staring directly into Bucky's eyes. "You promise?"

Bucky nodded. "I want to know what comes next…after that." He looked down, feeling bashful at putting words to the actions that they'd just done, but it was exciting and made his heart dance in his chest.

"After a blow job?" Steve kissed Bucky's shoulder. "Usually that's when you make love with someone."

"How do you make love?" Bucky asked softly. He thought he was in love with Steve. Wasn't the desire to be around someone constantly, love? Wasn't wanting to see them smile and hear them talk, love? There was an action that was love? Bucky was overwhelmed. He knew nothing. He hated how he knew nothing. _'You're a weapon. Of course you don't know how to do this.'_

Steve laughed, but the light that had been glistening in his eyes started to dim and he looked away, like he'd fallen into another world that Bucky just couldn't reach. Bucky caressed his fingers against Steve's face, pressing his thumbs against Steve's cheekbones, feeling their defined sculpting. "Steve?"

"We can't do this," Steve said suddenly.

Bucky's mouth dropped open. Any lingering sensation of euphoria or that delicious tingling in his stomach had been chilled cold by Steve's abrupt behavior. "What? Why?"

"Because I don't…" Steve's eyes etched with pain. His voice was tight and he shut his mouth loudly, making a soft crunch when his teeth clashed into themselves. "I don't…love you. This was a mistake."

Bucky froze. His mouth hung open and the back of his throat dried as gusts of choked air were sucked in. He swallowed hard, feeling his tongue stick to the back of his mouth. "But I thought−"

"I said I didn't know if I loved you out of obligation or not anymore," Steve reminded. "You're not the Bucky I fell in love with."

"Then why did we…why did you?" Bucky couldn't finish his sentences. He wasn't made for this. He wasn't made for the tears that threatened to spill from his eyes. He wasn't made to withstand the way his heart dug itself deep into the pits of his stomach. He was a weapon. Weapons didn't break down when people cast them aside. They just waited patiently. Bucky wasn't waiting patiently. He was frantic and raw.

"It was a mistake. You caught me off guard."

Bucky pulled his limbs in, wrapping his arms round himself as he tucked his knees under his chin. "Do you hate me?"

Steve scrunched up his face. "No, Buck. I don't hate you."

"Then why are you pushing me away? I love you, Steve." The words were so easy to say. Bucky wasn't built for romance. He wasn't designed for Steve Rogers, but he felt like in this moment, it was the only thing he'd ever been designed to touch, breathe, or think about. He pulled Steve's face against his, pressing their foreheads against each other's. "I love you."

Steve pulled away, prying Bucky's fingers gently from his face. "I know, Buck. You just− you killed her yesterday. Her body isn't even cold and I'm…" He let the sentence trail off, letting it drift off into the abyss of other words left unsaid.

Bucky sighed heavily, feeling his heart shatter. He just wanted to go see Rumlow. He just wanted…something normal again. He missed the feeling of being complacent and completely numb. He missed never questioning HYDRA or battling with these conflicting feelings he had for Steve. If HYDRA ordered him to kill Steve now, he wasn't even sure he'd do it. He wanted to be able to do it. He wanted to be able to press a cold, loaded gun into Steve's mouth and pull the trigger. He wanted to. But the image haunted him and made his stomach churn. He hated the idea of losing Steve. "So we just pretend this never happened? That _we_ never happened?"

Steve huffed bitterly, but his face only spoke of resignation. "For now, I guess."

"Why?" Bucky asked. He was shocked at how disconnected his voice sounded. It was terrifying, the kind of power Steve held over Bucky now. Steve had seen Bucky as a person. Steve had accepted Bucky as a person. To be recognized as a someone instead of a something- it had completely redefined Bucky; redefined the Asset.

Steve inhaled deeply through the nose, taking time to breathe out and cultivate an answer. "Because I look at your hands and see her. I look at you and see a murderer. I don't see Bucky Barnes. I see the Winter Soldier. And until I can get that image out of my head, I can't…love you."

Bucky felt the tears slip from his eyes. He nodded, accepting Steve's reasoning. "So, your team hates me, the US government wants me dead and you…don't even know what to think of me? I'm making such progress."

He'd allowed himself to slip too far. He'd allowed himself to get too close and this was the payback. This was the bite. He had to recoil. He had to stop this. HYDRA was counting on him. Rumlow was counting on him. He'd allowed himself to tread a lethal line and now Bucky was falling, drowning under the pull of Steve's beauty and unwavering moral compass. Bucky brushed away the tears. They were useless. Weapons didn't cry. He sucked down a gulp of air and tried to push this away.

"You killed Agent Peggy Carter, one of the founders of S.H.I.E.L.D, one of my closest friends, and an inspiration to many. Not to mention an aunt to yet again, another of my friends. Every time I look at your hands I see what they did to her."

Bucky pulled his hands back, tucking them in his lap, hiding both his nakedness and hands all in one as he crossed his legs.

"I guess we're just gonna have to sit and stew on this for awhile, till the sting isn't so fresh."

Bucky opened his mouth to speak again when a knock came at the door. They both looked at the door. Bucky slipped off the bed, reaching for his cargo pants and slipped them on silently. Steve, still in his sweatpants, just sat there on the bed.

"Yeah?" he called.

"CIA's here. It's like Christmas morning for Stark and Banner," Natasha said through the door. She opened it, peaking her head in, looking at Bucky, sitting shirtless on the chair and then back to Steve. Her brow barely furrowed, but it was enough for Bucky to see she was probably assuming the correct answer to this situation. "Thought you'd wanna see it."

Bucky stood up, blinking in surprise as both Steve and Natasha flinched at his movements. "I just… I wanna see it too."

Steve nodded. "Yeah. You deserve to."

"Put shirts on," Natasha said, looking to the torn fabric of Bucky's previous shirt. "You really don't want Stark knowing you're still screwing him."

"We're not−" Steve protested, but she was already down the hall before he'd been able to say anything else. Steve went over to the dresser, tossing a white shirt at Bucky and grabbing a red one for himself. Steve left the room without so much as a "I'll see you downstairs."

Bucky swallowed hard, feeling the guilt bubble up in his stomach. He'd do anything for a memory wipe right now. He'd give anything for the comforts of HYDRA scientists and Rumlow. He went over to his bag from Rumlow, checking inside. He grabbed the gun, attaching the silencer. He was to destroy the Winter Soldier data. He sighed heavily. He was going to be surrounded by Avengers. With one gun and no backup, his odds were slim to none, and Steve… Steve was going to be there too.

He bit his lip, trying to figure out how to accomplish this. Every scenario ended with him being put down or him killing Steve. But he had to destroy the data. He was ordered to. He couldn't keep failing HYDRA. What would Pierce think of him now?

He crept out of his room, listening to the murmurs downstairs. He slipped into Hawkeye's room, looking at his arsenal of tranquilizers. These had been aimed at Bucky a few times, so Bucky was sure they could take Steve down. Bucky grabbed another bow and slung it around his shoulders. He grabbed the tranq arrows and put them into one of his deeper pockets at his thigh. He slipped back into Steve's room, opening the window silently and climbing onto the roof. He'd have to do this quick. He'd need to make sure the first arrow hit Steve, but then that left Hawkeye and Black Widow…and both were formidable. Stark wasn't a threat without his suit and Banner would be too slow to realize what was happening, though he'd need to be put down fast as well. _'Fuck the fucking Avengers,'_ Bucky thought. He lingered on the roof, debating who'd go after Steve. He'd go Steve, Black Widow, Hawkeye, Banner and then the rest of them. He was damn sure Hill would have a gun, Sam too, but they didn't scare Bucky as much.

He sighed heavily, dropping down in front of the shrubs and pulling back, shooting the bow effortlessly, hearing the shatter of the window as the dart went straight into Steve's thigh.

* * *

So that all happened. I post this on another site called archiveofourown under my penname L1av. As I said there, I'm pretty open to hearing suggestions of your ideas, so if you have any, lemme know? Thank you to those who have reviewed, followed, favorited, ect. It really means a lot! I love being able to share my obsession...I mean my love for these guys with you 3


	7. Seven Arrows

Due to the nature of this fic, I will be editing sexual interactions out from now on. If you want that, you'll have to go to my Ao3 account. Thank you for all the follows and comments! I love hearing from you! :)

* * *

Bucky waltzed into the living room where the HYDRA tech had been deposited. He looked at the sleeping bodies around him. It was unnerving how easy it was to take down the Avengers. Hill, Barton, Romanov, Rogers, Stark, Banner… Earth's mightiest heroes− and they fell to swift arrows from a higher vantage point. From Bucky's research, he'd learned much about the Avengers when he was googling Steve. They'd saved New York. They had become the poster men and women for the United States…the world, and here they were, asleep on the floor as Bucky stepped over Barton, careful not to accidentally step atop him. Bucky had no ill-will toward any of them. He knew they were uncertain of him, possibly even hated him for what he'd done to Peggy Carter, but he held no hatred for them. They were simply just in the way. They were in HYDRA's way. Bucky would do anything to further HYDRA's cause, even if it meant using real arrows next time. _'But what about Steve?'_

He walked over to one of the computers, focusing his mind on the mission and less on the blonde that was sleeping, sprawled out on the floor. Luckily the computer was already on thanks to Stark. Bucky gently moved Stark out of the way; carefully moving his slumped-over body against Hill's so Bucky could slide into the chair. Metal and flesh hands worked quickly, bringing up the mainframe and locating the Asset Program, code name Winter Soldier. Bucky hovered over the folder. He wanted to click it. He wanted to open it and see who he'd been and what he was before HYDRA, but something cold ran up his spine and he whimpered at the thought. He had been nothing before HYDRA. He owed HYDRA everything. They'd given him true purpose, true identity. It didn't matter who he'd been before HYDRA. HYDRA was everything now.

So he removed the data, watching as the files slowly ate away at themselves until there was nothing left but an empty folder. The Winter Soldier was no more. It was oddly freeing, knowing whatever Bucky was before HYDRA was gone. He had no reason to doubt HYDRA ever again. He had no temptation or desire to think back on days before he was saved by their cause. He was free from the shackles of self-doubt and wonder.

He stood up, pulling Stark back into the chair and setting him up, slumping him over the keyboard. Bucky pulled the tranq out of his shoulder. He went to each sleeping body, pulling the darts out. He paused above Steve, kneeling down and tracing Steve's cheekbone with his flesh index finger. Steve was gorgeous. The way he'd moved his lips atop Bucky's cock had been gorgeous. Bucky traced the man's red lips lightly, staring with dull, removed eyes. Steve would never love this Bucky the way he'd loved the real one. He'd always see a murderer first, a criminal or a weak, misguided HYDRA agent. Steve would never accept Bucky. The only acceptance Bucky had was HYDRA. _'So would I kill Steve?'_

Bucky stood up, fingering the tranq arrows in his hand as he looked about the room again. This had been his mission. This was furthering HYDRA. He'd succeeded. He needed to report back to Rumlow, or any of his new supervisors. He wasn't sure who they were yet, but he'd know in due time…if necessary. Bucky understood the order of HYDRA. He was told the information he needed to get a mission done. He wasn't bogged with frivolous information. It's what made him so efficient. Steve was starting to bog him down, but it was a feeling that Bucky didn't honestly mind. He enjoyed it. He relished in it. Steve's attention, his touch, his voice…it was the most Bucky had ever gotten to experience with another human outside of killing them. Bucky would by lying if he said he enjoyed how HYDRA kept him, but he understood. Cryofreeze was necessary to preserve him and his skills. HYDRA needed him, so they took the utmost care in making sure Bucky wouldn't age or die, but he'd been out for far too long now. Would HYDRA let him have somewhat of a life after this was all over? They couldn't freeze him anymore. He'd age and die. How would they keep him now?

Bucky walked to the stairs, ready to report back to HYDRA and set the stage. He had to make this betrayal against Steve believable.

No, this wasn't betrayal. Bucky was loyal to HYDRA. He'd done everything as requested. The betrayal was Bucky to HYDRA for admitting he loved Steve Rogers. For admitting that he couldn't kill him.

He couldn't. He loved him too much. But what if the order was given?

Bucky had roughly an hour or two before Steve would burn through the tranquilizer. Calmly, Bucky flipped open his phone, dialing the one number that was in the contacts. It rang a few times before someone finally answered, sounding gruff and in pain.

'_Hello?'_ Rumlow answered.

"I've removed the Winter Soldier data from the computers. Is there a team that can extract the tech?" Bucky asked smoothly, looking outside from the corner against the window. He watched a jogger run on by.

'_I can have a group there in fifteen minutes.'_

"Hurry. I don't know how long Rogers will be down. His metabolism is similar to mine."

'_We're aware. So the Asset program's been removed. Entirely?'_ Rumlow's voice was tight and uncertain.

"Entirely. I didn't look at it." Bucky knew what Rumlow was really after. Of course Rumlow would be curious if Bucky had looked. Logically, anyone who'd been dislocated from their true self would want to know who they'd been once. Bucky disagreed. This made everything simpler. He wasn't who he was before and he never would be. Whoever that man was, he was dead, buried and gone. Bucky served a higher purpose now.

'_Excellent! Good job! I'm being released from the hospital in a week. I'll call you and we'll rendezvous, okay?'_

Bucky couldn't deny the flutter in his stomach at the appraisal from Rumlow. He allowed a small, hint of a smile to play at the smooth corners of his mouth. He was doing good. He was good for HYDRA. "Yessir," Bucky responded, his voice lighter than it had been. The Avengers had been a distraction. Steve had been a distraction. It was easier when Bucky was dealing with HYDRA agents. He genuinely liked Rumlow. But he liked Steve too… He liked the distraction Steve provided. He liked the validation he felt when Steve looked at him…well…had looked at him. Bucky had set everything back when he slit Peggy's throat.

There was a click, signaling that Rumlow hung up. Bucky looked at the phone momentarily, wondering if it was customary to just…end a conversation like that. It didn't entirely seem right, but Rumlow had voiced approval and Bucky was happy, so it wasn't like he'd done something wrong. It must be normal, besides, HYDRA agents had to get here quickly, otherwise Steve would be awake and that would complicate things.

Bucky sat on the bed, the pads of his fingers roaming the dips and ruffles of the bed's sheets. He'd just been here; just an hour ago, engaged in some form of activity with Steve that had felt _so good_. Was it normal? Was this supposed to happen like this? Steve had mentioned love-making. Bucky thought love was all emotional. What else was there?

Bucky rolled from the bed, going over to his bag that he kept hidden in the closet. He pulled out the tablet, pushing the internet icon with his finger and typing in "love-making."

Images of men, women, hearts, and stupid little cartoons came up. Bucky scrolled, reading the links. "_17 Sex Positions Your Man Will Love,_" "_Making Love vs Sex._" The list went on and on, but Bucky clicked the latter.

The article discussed sex, the act of penal penetration into the vagina (a body part Bucky was more than sure he didn't have). It talked about the difference between "fucking" and "love-making." Love-making was slow, sensual and patient where fucking was hot, dirty, frantic and desperate. Both were seen as completely okay and both were said to make couples happy and switching it up was fine. But Bucky didn't have a vagina… So was he unable to make love to Steve?

He went back to Google once more, typing in male love-making. Articles popped up and a few images of men kissing men. Bucky smiled, relief flooding his features as he'd come to the conclusion what he felt for Steve was perfectly okay. But was HYDRA okay with it? He bit his lip, clicking one of the articles called, "_GAYSIA, How To Make Love To A Man."_ Bucky's mouth dropped as the images were accompanied by text that explained how men showed their affections for other men. Anal penetration. Zones… ears, necks, toes, shoulders, don't use baby oil or it'll break condoms, stick to water based lubricants… the information went on and on, but it wasn't overwhelming. It was relieving. Bucky could do this. He wanted to do this. He wanted to show Steve that he knew what he was doing. He'd just have to get Steve to…let him. He'd have to make Steve forget he killed Peggy Carter and just let go like he'd done that fateful hour ago.

A car door slammed. Bucky jumped, instantly exiting the page and shoving the tablet into the bag as if it had been a hot coal. He shoved the bag back into the dark corner of the closet and looked out the window. They were men all dressed in black. Bucky wasn't sure if it was HYDRA or CIA. He went down the stairs. Immediately, one of the men said, "Hail HYDRA." Bucky's shoulders relaxed. It was casual, like he was simply saying hello to Bucky, but it was all the information Bucky needed.

He watched from the staircase as the men took the technology, piling it up into the back of a black van. None of them spoke to Bucky. Most of them seemed slightly unnerved by him, minus the one who'd spoke. They talked in hushed whispers, careful not to wake any of the Avengers. Their handling of Stark wasn't so easy. They'd shoved him off the chair, watching as he stirred, but the drugs in his body were too heavy and he simply went back to sleep.

After everything was packed up, and the men were gone, Bucky hurried back upstairs. He sat on his chair, watching the door. He wondered how much time he had left before Steve woke up. Steve would be angry and confused. Bucky would have to figure out how to make himself look less conspicuous. He stood up, looking at his metal arm before punching himself several times and taking one of the empty tranqs and stabbing it into his arm before returning it to with the rest of the empty tranqs. He paused, realizing he had no proper way to dispose of them. He'd been an idiot for taking them out of the Avengers but…he'd found it sympathetic to remove them. He rolled his eyes at himself. HYDRA wouldn't fall because of a stupid mistake like that. He shoved them into his bag in the closet. He would not be the reason HYDRA failed this mission all because he had sympathy…

He made his way back to the stairs where he slumped on the landing, one leg haphazardly sliding down and the other hooked into the white railing. He dropped his head back, closing his eyes, praying Steve would buy this staging.

* * *

Steve stirred; his leg throbbed for a moment as he moved to get on his knees. He looked down, seeing a small hole in his sweatpants. He looked around the room, eyes going wide as saucers as he frantically checked the pulses and bodies of his companions. They were all breathing. They were all asleep. He groaned, feeling the murky haze on his brain slowly ebb away. He jumped, realizing the room that had been filled with HYDRA tech was now empty. "Oh shit!" he said aloud. He shook Stark, gingerly at first and then with more ferocity. "Stark! Stark!"

"Pepper," Tony groaned. "Give me five more minutes. I'll let you handcuff me to the bed tonight."

Steve laughed, cocking a brow as he watched Tony fall back asleep. He'd be more worried if that response hadn't been the one to come out. He rolled his eyes, moving over to Natasha. "Natasha! Natasha! Wake up."

Her brow furrowed, green eyes blinking open. "W-what happened?" she asked groggily. "Jesus, my head."

"Someone stole the tech," Steve answered.

Natasha's head snapped around, looking at every corner and wall of the room. "Where's Bucky?"

Together, they both moved toward the parlor, Steve gasping when he saw Bucky, bleeding and passed out at the top of the stairs. "Bucky!" He ran up the stairs, pulling Bucky into his lap.

"Steve…" Natasha said hesitantly. "What if he had something to do with this?"

Steve whipped his head to face Natasha, lingering a few steps below him. "Then why's he on the floor?"Truthfully, Steve wasn't sure. Bucky could have everything to do with this, and he could have nothing to do with it at all. Steve didn't know. Steve didn't care. Bucky was bleeding and unresponsive to his gentle shakes of his shoulders and that terrified Steve to the core. If he'd failed Bucky again… If Bucky was going to slip from his fingers once more… Steve couldn't live with himself.

"Hey," Steve cooed, running his fingers through Bucky's hair. "Hey Buck, wake up, wake up Bucky."

Bucky's brow furrowed. He opened his mouth, groaning as pain seemed to latch into his jaw. "The fuck?" he grumbled.

Natasha turned around, going back down to most likely wake up the others.

Bucky's steel-blue eyes fluttered open, instantly locking with Steve's. His eyes rounded and he grabbed at Steve's white v-neck shirt, fisting into the fabric. "Steve! Steve I tried. I tried to stop it!"

"Shhh, shh, it's okay," Steve said, petting Bucky, holding him a bit closer. "You're face is all cut up."

Bucky gingerly pressed flesh fingers to his lip, wincing as the sting reverberated his lips. "I'm so sorry," he said. "I tried to stop it."

"What happened?" Steve asked. This wasn't a time to notice how desperate Bucky's fingers clung to Steve's shirt. This wasn't a time to notice how beautiful and desperate those frantic eyes looked. This certainly wasn't a time to wonder how badly it would hurt if Steve pressed his lips against Bucky's cracked and bleeding ones… It wasn't a good time for any of this, but Steve was letting the thoughts run through his head as if a dam had burst up there. He continued to intertwine his fingers in Bucky's hair, massaging the scalp soothingly.

Bucky relaxed into Steve, his grip going slack around the stretched out fabric of Steve's shirt. "I dunno. I was just…kind of preparing myself…to see the files. I just needed a second to let it all sink in. I was on my way down when I heard the window break. You went down and it was like a ghost was there. You all went down one by one. I…" His voice wavered. He took in a deep breath. "I froze up here. I don't know why. I was just…scared. I thought they were gonna take me again."

Steve winced. He swallowed hard, pulling Bucky closer to him so Bucky was cradled against his neck. He rocked the man back and forth gently. Of course Bucky had been scared. HYDRA was the reason Bucky was like this now… HYDRA was the reason Bucky killed Peggy. He was suffering, two minds trapped in one and it was all HYDRA's damn fault. Steve felt his fingers shake as anger coursed into his veins, heating up his body. He hated them. He wanted them all dead; every last one of them. They all deserved to die for what they did to Bucky.

It amazed Steve how fast he could put Peggy down as an accident when he'd been there. He'd seen how calm Bucky was. He saw the disconnected look in Bucky's eyes. Yet here he was, cursing HYDRA and making excuses for Bucky. He didn't forgive Bucky. Bucky had, on his own volition, elected to end Peggy's life. But he understood without HYDRA, Bucky would have never done such a thing. They all had a part to play, Steve included. They were all the reason Peggy Carter was dead.

"Steve?" Bucky asked, reaching up and cupping Steve's face. "Are you angry with me?" Steve shivered at the vulnerability in Bucky's voice. Those round, stormy-blue eyes were begging, pleading Steve to look back at him, to comfort him or tell him everything was going to be okay, and Steve… Steve was just sitting there, battling the demons and voices in his head as he tried to understand why Bucky had become this.

"I'm not angry with you, Bucky," Steve said, pushing a kiss into Bucky's palm. He felt his heart squeeze as Bucky's face lit up with the tiniest of smiles. This Bucky was nothing like the old one. He was small (when actually he was much larger than Bucky had been in WWII), insecure and desperate. The old Bucky had been large, with a huge personality that commanded a room, sure of himself and sturdy. Steve had clutched to him every night, not the other way around. Bucky was clutching to Steve like Steve had clutched to Bucky all those years ago. He'd never be the old Bucky. Steve didn't know if he loved this new Bucky, but he understood him. And that's as far as he wanted to think about it. "How'd you get your face beat in?"

Bucky let out an airy laugh, wincing as his lip protested, the small healing wound breaking open again, glistening with a line of fresh blood. "I don't think they thought I'd be here. They came in and I was gonna attack them, but one guy shot me in the arm with something." He pointed to the small, circular wound in his forearm. "I didn't go down instantly, so he ran up the stairs and punched me till I blacked out."

Steve nodded, chewing the story and swallowing it down. Natasha doubted Bucky's loyalty. They all doubted Bucky's loyalty at this point. Bucky had no evidence to support the contrary and Steve understood that, but this… If this had been HYDRA, of course Bucky would have been frantic. Of course he'd have been afraid. It all made sense to Steve. Bucky didn't do this. Bucky would never do such a thing. Bucky had more reasons to hate HYDRA over Steve. "Let's go clean your face up, k?" Steve offered softly, scooting out from under Bucky and pulling him up with both hands. He wrapped an arm around Bucky, holding him steady with another hand against his abdomen.

Together, they went into the bathroom. Bucky leaned against the sink, watching Steve with a hazy gaze. It was heavy, like he was swimming in alcohol, but Steve was pretty sure Bucky couldn't get drunk, just like Steve couldn't get drunk. "You doin' okay, pal?" Steve asked as he opened up a first aid kit.

Bucky nodded. "I'm okay."

Steve moved to stand in front of Bucky, taking a washcloth and reaching around Bucky to quickly wet it before bringing it against Bucky's face softly. Bucky winced a few times, but made no indication that he was truly in pain. Steve moved to pull away to get the Neosporin when he felt his sweatpants tug. Bucky had laced his fingers into the waist band without Steve even noticing. Steve smiled awkwardly, breathing out. "Bucky…"

Bucky's hands instantly shot away. He looked away, his lashes downcast, hiding those stormy eyes. "M'sorry," he mumbled.

Steve cleared his throat, taking a long inhale through his nose. He was going to say something. He was going to offer some kind of vague response but that all crumbled when Bucky's voice penetrated into the silence, shattering it like a rubber mallet smashing against a glass window.

"Do you hate me, Steve?"

Steve sighed. They'd talked about this earlier. It hadn't even been twenty-four hours since that question was asked and Bucky was bringing it up again, which only meant that Bucky didn't trust Steve to be honest. Steve leaned back against the wall, dropping the wet cloth to the floor. He'd pick it up later.

"Do you think I hate you?" Steve asked, taking a different route than he had previously.

Bucky's jaw twitched as he looked to be in thought. "I think you do."

"Why?" Steve felt the lump in his throat. He wanted to wrap his arms around Bucky. He wanted to kiss the side of his face and tangle his fingers into the brown mop atop Buckys' head. But Peggy… They hadn't even laid her to rest and here Steve was talking to her killer. Making excuses for her killer and pretending something else was the cause when Steve knew better. Bucky killed Peggy. Bucky. There'd been no mission. There'd been no reason.

Bucky licked at his lip, his tongue played with the cut down the middle of his bottom lip. Steve sucked his lips in, trying his best to ignore the twitch of his dick as he watched Bucky's pink, slick tongue play at the wound. "Cause I killed your girlfriend."

"She wasn't my girlfriend," Steve interjected.

"Who was she?" Bucky asked softly, his voice raw. "She meant a lot to you. Don't lie to me cause I can see it."

Steve nodded, slowly accepting that this conversation had to happen. He didn't want it, but Bucky did. Perhaps Bucky was remorseful. Perhaps he regretted his actions. "She was…we all had…" Steve fought for words but no entry into it seemed appropriate or entirely honest. "I loved her."

Bucky winced, his brow twitching as pain washed over his face. He swallowed hard, pushing his lips together tightly. The act must have caused pain because his eyes started to water.

"But I loved you too," Steve continued. "I loved both of you and you knew that."

"You mean James Barnes knew that," Bucky shot back.

"Bucky," Steve said, flailing his arms in exasperation for a moment. "You _are_ James Barnes. You were with me back in the war. You met Peggy at a bar in England with me. We'd been together for years but it wasn't accepted. We were roommates but we were lovers and then you were always pushing to make face and have us go out on dates with dames we didn't give a shit about and then Peggy…"

"You gave a shit about her." It wasn't a question. It was a blank matter-of-fact statement. It was as blank as Bucky's face and Steve was almost terrified of how recoiled Bucky had gone into his own head.

Steve winced. He didn't want to give the answer, but he knew it would only make things worse if he danced around the question. "Yes. Very much so."

"And Ja- I mean, did I know that?"

"You did," Steve stated.

Bucky nodded− his face still blank. He wasn't looking at Steve. He'd found a corner of the bathroom and he'd decided it to be the most interesting corner of them all. Steve didn't mind. It almost made this easier. If Bucky looked at him, it would all come tumbling out and Bucky didn't need that right now. Steve had to be the bigger person. He had to be the stronger one.

"So we were together, but you were…with her too?" Bucky asked.

"Not technically, Well…yeah. It was a complicated time…"

"Why?" Bucky asked meekly. "Cause of the war?"

"That. The times. Guys like us didn't get to be together. If the army knew we were inverts they'd do a lot more than just kick us out."

"Inverts? Gay?" Bucky asked, tilting his head to the side. He still didn't look up at Steve.

"Yeah. Gay." Steve leaned against the wall, pressing his hands over his butt so his palms balanced his weight as he bounced off the wall lightly, anxious for this conversation to find an end.

"So what was gonna happen to me? If you loved her and we weren't allowed to be together…what was gonna happen to me?"

The question wasn't unwarranted, but it still sliced through Steve like a rusted knife. It dug guilt deep into the shadows of his stomach, coiling around his spine and yanking. He cleared his throat, trying to remember the sensation was just all in his mind. "Bucky…"

"Please answer me, Steve. This'll help decide a lot of things for me."

Steve furrowed his brow. "Like what?"

Bucky finally looked up. The rims around his eyes were red and his steel-blues were glossy as tears threatened to fall. He looked paler, younger, but older all the same. He looked frighteningly like he did during the war, but there was a horror in those eyes, one that hadn't been there before the train accident. Was that all it was now? Just an accident? Was Steve surmising Bucky's entire post-war life to the unfortunate tragedy of a single accident? It was wrong. It didn't sit right. Nothing about this sat right. "I love you," Bucky said, interjecting into Steve's thoughts. "But I'll keep my distance from you. I owe Peggy that."

Steve's heart froze. He stilled, no longer bouncing himself softly off the wall. He stared, slack jaw and slightly horrified by the words that were coming from Bucky's mouth. Peggy had been killed yesterday and Steve was already starting to find excuses to pull Bucky against him. He was already trying to find the words that said, "No, Bucky, stay with me forever…" Bucky didn't owe Peggy anything and yet… it was the one, last thing Bucky had that he could sacrifice to show how sorry he was for killing Peggy. Bucky wasn't a monster. He was confused, broken and mangled. Steve needed to be there for him. He had to do something. He had to bring Bucky back from this. It wasn't his fault…

But Steve didn't say anything. He stood there, his mouth still hanging open, watching Bucky's face fill with more and more hurt till he was practically drowning. Steve could save him. All he had to do was say or do something. Steve could end this.

But he didn't. He…couldn't. Peggy was dead. Bucky was alive and Peggy was dead. So instead, he finally answered Bucky's question, saying the words that he so desperately wished he wouldn't say. "I was gonna break up with you and marry her."

Bucky allowed thick tears to fall from his eyes. Two giant tearstains splayed against the cotton of his shirt. "Okay," he said, his voice cracking. "Okay."

"Bucky…" Steve said, reaching out, but Bucky swatted his hand away.

"It's okay, Steve. Really. I killed your girlfriend. I get it. Why would you wanna be with someone like me when you could'a had someone like her?" Bucky slipped out of the bathroom. His feet were silent as a ghost. Steve had no idea where he'd gone.

Steve grabbed the sink, gasping and choking for air as the realization finally started to sink in. Bucky had left him… Bucky had−ended it with him. They were over. All that history, all that love… it was over. It was gone. Steve felt his stomach lurch and twist inside. He was going to be sick.

He dropped to the floor, resting on his knees as he kicked the bathroom door closed. He wretched into the toilet; tasting the acidic yogurt and bitter coffee from breakfast. He hadn't eaten anything since. It was disgusting. He officially hated yogurt. He hated himself. He'd already hated himself. Everything that was happening was because of Steve and he couldn't stop it from happening. It needed to happen. Bucky was his friend, he'd always be his friend, but that's all they'd be now. Steve couldn't reach out and touch him, he couldn't kiss him, he couldn't hold him… He'd just gotten Bucky back and now he'd lost him again. He wretched again, heaving into the toilet. His eyes burned with tears as his body convulsed under the strain. He coughed, spitting out the remnants of whatever bile was floating around in his stomach. He felt empty. He was empty. Bucky was everything and now Bucky was walking away because Bucky recognized that he'd done something wrong and this was the only way to atone for it, and Steve understood that. Steve understood and accepted that and now Steve was letting it happen when he could easily say something to the contrary but he was letting it happen because it needed to happen even if he didn't want it to happen!

He sat back, one knee up so he could lazily balance his wrist over it as he slammed his head back against the wall. This was all his fault. He could do something. He could change this. He didn't need to let Bucky go. He could get up, walk down the hall and find Bucky. He could kiss the brunette and hold him and say how sorry he was, but he just…sat there. He just sat there.

* * *

Bucky felt like his body was being poked by a million tiny pins and needles. He walked down the stairs, knowing exactly what he was about to get himself into. HYDRA had succeeded. They'd removed the tech, deleted the Winter Soldier files and now Bucky was going down to the Avengers, a group of people who couldn't trust him. He'd left Steve in the bathroom, but he'd heard the sounds as Steve gagged and threw up. He wondered why Steve reacted so…animatedly. Steve didn't love him right? Steve would have picked Peggy. Why was Steve reacting like this? Bucky was the one who should be over that toilet. He was the one who should be doubled over and allowing tears to fall, but he wasn't. He was keeping everything inside. He had to give Steve up. He had to give Steve up for the sake of this mission or if the order was given to kill Steve, Bucky wouldn't be able to do it. This was necessary. It had to be done.

He hated himself. He just wanted to go back into that bathroom and curl into Steve. He wanted to cry and say that it had all been a mistake and that he was sorry, so sorry, and all he wanted was Steve's kiss and his gentle, soothing voice. But Bucky kept walking, crossing the foyer and looking into the parlor.

Bucky saw the Avengers, all huddled there. Natasha was on the couch, lounging with her legs propped up on Clint. Tony was standing, pacing throughout the room. Sam was sitting atop the coffee table. Bruce was in the armchair and Hill was sitting on the piano bench. They all looked over at Bucky. No one smiled. No one waved. They just stared at him.

"Heard you took a beating," Tony said. "HYDRA?"

Bucky nodded. He stopped in the wide entryway, leaning his metal arm against the molding of the archway.

"Did you see any of their faces?" Tony asked, pausing his pacing.

"Yes," Bucky answered.

"What'd they look like?" Natasha asked. She was twirling one of her red locks of hair around a finger.

Bucky sniffed, using the distraction of his running nose as a way to think up what to create here. He'd have to lie. He couldn't give them the description of any real HYDRA agents. They'd find the person and kill them. The cab driver… "White, maybe Italian or Greek. Large beaked nose with thick, black eyebrows. Stood about six foot."

Natasha's eyes narrowed, but she said nothing.

"Well that narrows it down," Bruce began. "DC is full of Italian and Greek descent. It's DC. It's full of everything."

"But mostly shit," Tony said, scratching at the back of his head. "Sorry, saw a joke, tried to run with it. It was bad wasn't it?" He walked behind the piano, reaching over Hill and running his fingers down the keys. The noise bothered Bucky, but not as much as the numb feeling that was growing inside him. Steve was still upstairs. He wanted to see him. He wanted to take back everything he'd just said but he couldn't. Steve clearly didn't want Bucky anymore. Steve wanted Peggy and Bucky killed Peggy.

Steve would never be Bucky's. He'd always be Peggy's…always be James Barnes'. Theirs. Not his. No matter how much he wished Steve would be his, Bucky was just a HYDRA agent, charged with the task of spying on the Avengers, Steve included. He'd have to put Steve down one day… He'd have to face it. He couldn't keep pretending it would never happen. He'd be faced with the ultimate choice… HYDRA or Steve.

"Okay, so here's my thoughts," Tony said as the keys to the piano rang softly from his molestation of them. "HYDRA clearly wanted their stuff. They got their stuff. What would be your next move if you just got your stuff back…"

"I'd…use my stuff," Bruce replied as he cocked a brow.

Tony pointed at Bruce, wagging his finger enthusiastically. "That's my man. Look at him. Isn't he beautiful?"

Bruce rolled his eyes.

"So they're gonna do what then?" Sam asked. "Make a new Asset?"

Tony shrugged. "Dunno. But they're going to need to set up a new spot with all that tech, and that tech is going to need some serious energy use."

"You're going to monitor energy grids aren't you?" Natasha asked.

Tony spun around, now waggling his finger at Natasha. "Bingo! She's a beaut ain't she?"

"Then we're going to get it back?" another voice asked. Bucky spun around, looking at Steve. His face was pale and he looked like a guy suffering from pneumonia. Funny…Bucky had never seen anyone with pneumonia before. Why would he know what it would look like on Steve?

"Yep," Tony said, popping the "p" syllable. "I don't like it when people take my stuff that I've taken from them. It just keeps the circle going and I hate that. Plus, they hit me with a tranq dart. That shit's low."

Bucky silently huffed under his breath, sucking his lips in and trying to look like he wasn't the reason there was a tiny hole in Stark's shoulder. He looked over to Steve. What was he thinking right now? Was he just as lost and numb as Bucky? Was he upset? Sad? Did Bucky make him sad? Why did the idea of Steve being affected by Bucky give him so much…joy? Since Bucky could remember, he'd always been a follower. He'd always answered to someone else and allowed the shots to be called for him. He'd called this shot. He got to see its aftermath. It was upsetting and uncomfortable, but he was in control. He couldn't describe the euphoric joy that gave him. He'd made a decision of his own. He hated it, but it was his and he'd made it. It was confusing, to be both happy and sad at the same time. Bucky wanted nothing more than to press his face into Steve's shoulder and let the man wrap his arm around him, but he'd made this decision. If he was going to get back into Steve's good graces, if he was to complete his mission for HYDRA, Steve needed to trust him. This was the only way Bucky saw it could work. He'd give Steve up for HYDRA…and for Steve himself.

"I'm going to set up shop upstairs. Banner?" Tony snapped his fingers a few times, swaying his hips. He looked oddly thrilled for a guy who was just slumped over on the floor due to a tranquilizer. "I could use some help."

Bruce stood up, nodding and sighing heavily. "You'd be lost without me."

"Damn right!" Tony proudly announced. The two went up the stairs.

Sam scoffed. "We should tell the CIA what happened. They may want you to get the tech back," Sam said evenly, looking directly at Steve.

Steve nodded, his gaze firmly planted on anything that wasn't Bucky. Bucky hated being so close and yet so far away. He could reach his arm out and touch Steve's arm, but it was like Steve was in another dimension and Bucky was trapped in the illusion of immediate proximity. "I'll give Sharon a call." Steve pulled out his phone, walking into the foyer.

Bucky bit his lip, wincing as he opened the wound again. He'd have to remember it was there next time.

"Why'd they leave you?" Clint asked. Bucky was so taken aback by the question that he physically stepped back, hovering more in the foyer than the parlor. He could hear Steve whispering on the phone, but his focus was on Clint. The question was so simple, yet he had all eyes on him, watching for any moment of weakness or hint of a lie.

Bucky shrugged.

"HYDRA invested a lot of money and time into you," Natasha said. "You'd think they'd want to protect their "asset." The word was cold and bitter. Bucky wanted to roll his eyes, but he just met her gaze evenly, shrugging once more.

"Maybe I'm not needed anymore," he replied.

Sam laughed. "Dude, no offense, but that's scarier than you coming at me on the highway."

"Do you think they're going to start up another Asset, really?" Hill asked, looking to Natasha.

"Why would they create a new one when they have a perfectly good one already," Natasha responded, never taking her eyes off Bucky.

Bucky furrowed his brow, clenching and relaxing his jaw. She was on to him. She was clearly, so evidently on to him. Sam seemed willing to accept Bucky because of his loyalty to Steve, but Natasha was smarter. Being a spy was her specialty. She knew all the tricks and Bucky didn't know how to be better than that. So he tried his best to play dumb and pray it worked. He needed the protection of Steve if he was to shake Natasha off him. "I've been out of cyro too long. I'm useless to them."

Clint laughed, dropping his head back to stare at the ceiling. "Weird reason to not utilize a perfectly good assassin."

Bucky remained still. Natasha was planting the seed of doubt even into Clint. This was bad. He needed to do something. He had to shake this but he saw no way out. He was standing here; his biggest mistake was having stayed when HYDRA supposedly attacked them, but if he'd left, that would jeopardize the mission! He needed to figure something out.

"Sharon's going to tell her supervisor. Said they'd be in touch. Said they probably do want us to infiltrate if we can," Steve said, coming to Bucky's rescue without even knowing it. Bucky's shoulders relaxed. He watched as everyone's focus turned to Steve. Good.

"How long will it take for Stark and Banner?" Sam asked.

Steve shrugged. "It depends on when HYDRA activates the tech."

"Alright. Who wants pizza?" Sam asked, standing up. "I'm starving and sitting around worrying is only making it worse. I'm thinking nasty, greasy pizza with a lot of meat."

"I'm in," Clint said, picking Natasha's legs up so he could stand and dropping them back down to the couch. "I'll go order with you."

Bucky shifted. He was turning to make his way upstairs when Natasha said, "Hey Bucky, could you ask Steve to draw the guy you saw? It may help us find the tech."

Bucky's shoulders tensed. He nodded slowly, looking up with tense eyes as he met Steve's face. Steve's eyes were dull, like something inside him had died and the rest of his body was just trying to catch up and move on with it.

"I'll get a sketch pad," Steve said softly, moving toward the stairs in record timing. Bucky looked back to Natasha, watching her cat-like eyes as she most likely came up with a thousand different scenarios to take Bucky down. She needed to die. She had to be eliminated. Bucky needed to end her before she ended him.

Midnight had rolled around faster than Bucky thought it would. He'd spent the rest of the night describing the taxi cab driver in the utmost detail, watching Steve sketch and telling him to erase or change things when it didn't look right. Bucky was surprised at how accurate the drawing looked by the time they were finished. Neither of them had touched the pizza that Sam and Clint ordered, but Steve had gulped down at least fifteen bottles of water. Bucky was surprised he wasn't b-lining for the bathroom every two seconds.

Nothing was going the way Bucky needed it to. He'd forced himself to put distance between himself and Steve so he could kill Steve in the event he needed to, or betray him and hand him over to the Asset program. That's why they'd stolen the tech back right? Bucky wished he could call Rumlow and ask. It would be a relief to see Steve as an Asset. Maybe they'd even let Bucky be his handler. He'd know better than anyone else how to coach him through the memory wipes and the training. He could even train Steve. They couldn't freeze Bucky, but he could give so much more to HYDRA yet.

Tony ran down the stairs, jumping the last few steps. He looked over Steve's shoulder at the drawing as Steve was putting finishing touches on it with shading. "That our HYDRA guy?"

"Yeah," Steve answered, not looking up from the drawing. "Bucky got a pretty good look at him before he passed out."

Bucky's heart squeezed. He hated how his body reacted when Steve said his name.

"Great. I'll have Jarvis look through some databases and see if we can find him."

"Is that possible?" Bucky asked. "It's just a picture."

Tony waved his hand dismissively. "Jarvis can do it. We'll find this guy."

Bucky had made another mistake. He should have made someone up. If Jarvis was able to find this guy, then Jarvis would find out he was a taxi driver. If he found out he was a taxi driver…they'd know Bucky had been lying and if they knew that… No. No this wasn't happening. Bucky had to kill Tony. Bucky had to kill Natasha and Tony. It was the only way. He had to burry this.

"We're going to turn in for the night," Natasha said as she and Clint entered the room again. "Night all."

Tony watched them leave, holding the drawing Steve had handed him. "They're not dating are they?"

"Never asked," Steve said bluntly. "It's none of my business anyway."

"Well," Tony began, sitting down heavily next to Steve on the couch. Bucky watched as their shoulders bumped into each other's before Tony scooted back, settling in. "We all know you two are dating…"

Steve let out a humorless laugh. "It's none of your business though."

Tony nodded, admitting defeat. "Alright, I see when I'm not wanted. I'm turning in. I'll give this to Jarvis and see what we have in the morning."

"Thanks, Stark," Steve said, giving him an approving nod.

The room grew oddly cold at that moment, like Tony had been the only warmth and now it was gone, leaving Bucky to squirm as he sat on the floor, being forced to confront the man who he loved yet couldn't be with. What did you even say after you ended a relationship with someone? Did you talk to them still? Were you allowed? Where was Bucky going to sleep tonight? He didn't think it'd be possible to sleep in Steve's room. He didn't want to. He needed to get away from Steve. This was only killing him more than it was helping him. He'd so badly wanted to be intimate with Steve. He'd so badly wanted to make love with him. Bucky was compromised. He was going to fail HYDRA. He had to force himself to stop caring. He would kill for a memory wipe right now… If he wasn't so wrapped up about Steve he could have made someone up instead of the taxi driver. He could have lied better and staged the scenes better. He could have done so much more efficiently, but his mind was constantly on Steve and his work was failing from it!

"I'm getting pretty tired too," Steve said, shattering Bucky's thoughts. "We'll find that guy though. Don't worry about it." Steve's brow was furrowed. He sported a look between confusion and pain. Bucky wasn't sure which was more accurate.

"I know. I trust you," Bucky responded. "Did you hear Natasha? From earlier?"

Steve sat back, running his hands over his tired face. "About what?"

"About why HYDRA would just leave me?"

Steve held Bucky's gaze for a long moment. "I did."

"Do you think they're gonna leave me alone?"

Steve let out a long sigh, stretching his arms and shoulders. "Dunno, Buck."

Bucky swallowed back the lump in his throat. He hated how distant Steve was. He hated the cold shoulder act. "Natasha doesn't trust me."

Steve laughed. It was hollow and sharp. "No shit. None of them do."

Bucky nodded, accepting the bitter words. He stood from the floor, unsure of where he was trying to go. He couldn't go upstairs. That was Steve's room. "Are there any blankets down here?"

Steve stood up; his eyes had still lost their shine. His face was pale and the discolored bags under his eyes aged him a bit, but Bucky couldn't deny how badly he wanted to wrap his arms around the other and just apologize. He needed to give this time. It was too soon to tell if this was helping or hurting the mission. He could always reevaluate later.

"Yeah. I'll grab you some."

Bucky felt his heart stumble as he swallowed hard. Steve also decided it was best if Bucky stayed down here. Steve wasn't fighting this. They were officially no more. They were back to where Bucky started. He thought that if he truly embraced James Barnes that this would be easy. How wrong had he been? He'd jeopardized the mission, he'd waivered in his loyalty to HYDRA and he'd learned to fall in love. Everything went wrong the day he decided he was going to embrace the relationship Barnes and Rogers had. Everything was still going wrong.

Steve came back, plopping a pillow and a few blankets down for Bucky. "Do you need me to make you a bed?" he asked.

Bucky's lips parted as his eyes rounded, exposing their vulnerability. Despite the storm inside Bucky, despite the anger and confusion, Steve was still offering his aid. He didn't hate Bucky. He perhaps accepted their situation better than Bucky was.

Steve's cheeks reddened as he cleared his throat, stepping back. "Or not. I was just asking…" His voice tapered off softly. "Night, Bucky." He spun on his heel, crossing into the foyer to go up the stairs.

Bucky stood there, staring at the staircase. Everything would have been easier if Bucky just hadn't decided to fall in love. Everything would have been so much easier if Bucky just didn't care, like he used to. He missed Pierce. He missed Rumlow. He missed the simplicity of being handed missions and the cold of cryo. He missed the fluids being pumped into him and the nervous scientists. He missed HYDRA. He missed feeling like his heart was in one piece. He missed how his body felt before it was ravaged with guilt and desire.

He missed Steve.

* * *

Bucky woke to the sounds of someone brewing coffee in the kitchen. He stretched on the couch, feeling his toes dig into the plush arm of the sofa. He tossed the blanket off, sitting up and stretching out his back. Someone sneezed. It sounded female. He hadn't been able to get to his phone last night. Natasha had of course made sure he kept busy and around everyone. She was good. She needed to die.

Bucky stood up, scratching at the back of his head as he walked into the kitchen, more out of curiosity than the need to be in there. It wasn't as if anyone in this room was his friend anyway. He didn't have friends. He had Steve…but even that was gone.

Natasha was pouring creamer into her cup of coffee. "Good morning, Bucky," she stated. Bucky noticed how she didn't look away from what she was doing. She was doing exactly what Bucky would do in her situation. She was pretending to not be alert, when in fact she was more alert than most were aware.

"Morning," Bucky answered, going over to the mugs. Natasha slipped into the breakfast nook, looking at the morning paper.

"You and Steve have a fight?" she asked.

Bucky's lips parted as he furrowed his brow. "What?"

"You're on the couch. That means you two fought. Right?"

Bucky blinked a few times. How could she be so frank at a time like this when they both knew what the other was up to? "Yeah. We had a fight." He decided to go along with it.

Natasha scrunched up her face, a look of sympathy, Bucky supposed. "I'm sorry. I hope it all works out."

"Me too," Bucky answered, honestly. He did hope it worked out. Whatever _it_ was.

"Do you?" she asked.

Finally, her fangs were barred. Bucky was spooning sugar into his coffee when the question was finally dropped. He allowed a small, half-smile to grace his lips as his back was toward Natasha. Patiently, he finished up his coffee, turning around and leaning on the counter. "Do I what?" he asked.

Natasha furrowed her brow. "I care a great deal about Steve," she began. She was in a light pink robe, no makeup and her hair was still in curlers, but she looked quite menacing. Bucky gave her credit. It took a lot for him to be intimidated. HYDRA always made sure he was programmed to have no fear. "You've turned Steve's world upside down. You're everything to him. If you break his heart, I'll break yours."

Bucky's brow shot up, a look of small astonishment playing at his face. He was slightly curious why she hadn't mentioned the HYDRA incident the day prior. She knew he was involved, didn't she? "We're working through it," he responded.

Natasha flipped the page of her newspaper, rattling it loudly. "I won't watch you break him."

"Can we stop this?" Bucky blurted. "Why don't you drop your act now."

"Excuse me?" Her brows rose further up her hairline and her mouth dropped slightly.

"I know you don't trust me. I know you think I'm responsible for yesterday−"

"Are you?" she interrupted.

Bucky's chest heaved as he fought the urge to scream at her. He set his coffee mug down, walking over to the breakfast nook and placing his fists against the table. "I love Steve. I fucking _really_ love him and I'm terrified of it. So all of you sitting there watching my every move only makes it harder to deal with. I don't remember who I was. I don't know who I am. All I know is I love Steve more than anything and I've got thousands of thoughts in my head that I'm not used to and I don't know where to even begin so just…don't push me."

Natasha's mouth was formed into the perfect "o," as she leaned sideways, looking at the entry to the kitchen. "Morning, Steve," she said.

Bucky closed his eyes, trying his hardest to not break down. She did this on purpose. She set this up. She pushed him because she knew he'd break and that _pissed_ Bucky off more than anything. She was dangerous. He couldn't for the life of him figure out what she did or did not know and that made her even a bigger threat. She was planning the part of the concerned friend and she was playing it frighteningly too well for Bucky to handle. He turned around, seeing Steve's round, hopeful eyes. Bucky could practically hear his own heart breaking as he saw the emotions that cascaded from Steve's eyes, spreading like wildfire all over his body, brightening his skin and breathing life into his cheeks. Bucky hated himself. He couldn't do this. He couldn't finish this mission. He loved Steve too much. He was going to betray HYDRA if this kept up. He didn't have the strength to fight this.

He brushed by Steve, running for the door. He didn't care if he was in sweats and a long-sleeved undershirt with his metal hand exposed. He didn't care that he crossed the threshold with no shoes on. He needed to get away. He needed to put space between him and Steve. He needed Rumlow. He needed to see Rumlow. Rumlow would figure out what to do.

* * *

Bucky was asked several times which room he was supposed to be in before the hospital staff got it in their heads that he wasn't a patient. One doctor asked he put scrub booties on his feet for health purposes. It was going fine till the doctor saw his metal hand. He asked if it was a prosthetic, Bucky made it make jerky, unrefined motions to show settle the doctor's excitement. Killing a doctor for simply being passionate about science and medicine didn't sit well with Bucky. He was surprised. Killing anyone to further a mission never used to bother him. The idea bothered him now.

After he finally managed to get away from the doctor, Bucky practically ran to Rumlow's room. The man was sitting up in his bed. The scaring on his face and body was heavy. He barely looked like he did before, but Bucky knew those big, round brown eyes.

"The fuck you doing here?" Rumlow asked.

"Mission report," Bucky responded. "I…I think I've failed."

Rumlow growled, but he sat up straighter and nodded softly. "Wanna tell me why?"

Bucky closed the door to the room before coming to stand at the foot of the bed. He placed his fingers against the footrest. Rumlow's gaze went to the fingers, before snapping back up to Bucky's face.

"I staged yesterday to make it look as if I were a victim as well. The Black Widow is suspicious. I lied and said a man beat my face and she'd asked for his description. I gave her a taxi cab driver's face."

Rumlow cleared his throat. "So?"

"They know HYDRA took the tech. They think if they find this guy, they can get it back. Stark is also searching for energy usage around the city to find it."

"So they're gonna find a taxi cab driver. Let them," Rumlow answered, shrugging.

"They barely trust me as it is because of Peggy."

Rumlow laughed. "You're a piece of work, Barnes."

Bucky's eyes rounded as his gaze snapped to Rumlow's face. "Barnes?"

Rumlow seemed to falter for a moment. "Y-you're portraying Barnes. Whaddya want me to call you? Asset? Winter Soldier?"

Bucky's shoulders fell. "Bucky."

Rumlow laughed again. It was deep and throaty. "They've got you under their spell, don't they?" He cocked his head to the side. "You know your place, Asset. HYDRA is the only way the world will get the peace it deserves."

Bucky swallowed hard. "I just want a name."

"You don't _get_ one!" Rumlow shouted. He instantly composed himself, raising his hands up in front of him. "Sorry, that was mean. I didn't mean it."

Bucky ground his teeth against each other, his brow furrowed as he allowed the anguish to fill his lungs, making him feel like he was full of lead. He didn't deserve a name. He wasn't a person. Being with Steve had upset everything. It had destroyed his view of himself. It destroyed his relationship with HYDRA. It made everything…more painful. He'd been content being a machine that operated for HYDRA and HYDRA alone, but now Bucky didn't want to go back, not really. He thought this would fix everything, but it was only making him realize how much he wanted Steve in his life− forever.

"Look Bucky," Rumlow sighed. "You've fucked up. It's okay. This is your first espionage mission. Things happen. You find that taxi driver and you kill him. If Black Widow gets more suspicious, you take her out. Don't make it look like an accident. Make sure no one sees you do it, or they have to die too. Simple right? Back to your roots!"

Bucky nodded, trying to calm down. "What about Steve?"

Rumlow scoffed. "What about him?"

"I think he'd be a good candidate for the Asset Program."

Rumlow was silent for a minute, his eyes flicking from side to side as he scaled Bucky's face. "You like him?"

Bucky couldn't hide the shame he felt. He clutched his stomach, biting his lip and breaking the wound once more.

"Jesus, Bucky…" Rumlow exclaimed, slamming his head back against the pillow. "How close have you gotten?"

Bucky shrugged. "Stark said we were dating."

Rumlow's eyes rounded. "Rogers is gay?"

"It's online," Bucky stated. "I ran some searches on his relationship with Barnes. A lot of people speculated they were romantically involved."

Rumlow nodded, seeming to take it all in. "Wait, you said "were dating?"

"I ended it with him. It was compromising the mission. I've been making mistakes."

"Good to know you haven't gone rogue," Rumlow stated bitterly. "Okay, this could work to our advantage. You just gotta keep your head in the game. Can you do that, Bucky?"

Bucky ran his tongue along the inside of his lips, pushing against the skin to expand it. "I dunno," he answered honestly. "I've got all these thoughts and…feeling I didn't have and−"

"Bucky…" Rumlow cut in. "I'm not a damn therapist. You gotta block them out. You gotta use this to your advantage! You get Steve to trust you− you have free range of the Avengers. We just need a bit more time."

Bucky's eyes were downcast. This wasn't what he was expecting. He felt foolish at this point, like a child being reprimanded. He'd sought Rumlow out for comfort and found none. Steve was the only thing that gave him any kind of comfort and it was ruining his mission. However, despite Rumlow's harsh words, they were gentle. He wasn't unkind. He was just…blunt.

"Then when you don't need time? What then?" Bucky asked.

"Then you take them out. One by one. Just like I said before. Start with Natasha. Report back, and wait for further instruction on who to take out next."

"And Steve?" Bucky asked. He felt the ice seep into his stomach. "He'll make a great Asset. I swear."

Rumlow inhaled a deep breath of air. "I've gotta ask the higher ups. I'll put in the recommendation."

"Piece's mission was to find out if he was a good candidate or not," Bucky countered. "I'm recommending him!"

"You're trying to save him," Rumlow answered gently. "Bucky…would he still care about you if he knew you were with HYDRA? You saw what he did to SHIELD and HYDRA. He fought you. He would have killed you."

"He wouldn't−"

"Yes, Bucky! He would!" Rumlow interjected, his voice rising. He wasn't shouting, but he was firm. "If he didn't think you were his dead lover, he'd have killed you in a second! You have to remember that they hate HYDRA. They want to see us fail! They're afraid of what we can do."

Bucky nodded, swallowing the lump in his throat.

"Steve only cares cause he thinks your Barnes. If he found out the truth, trust me, you'd be dead in a second."

"You're insinuating I wouldn't kill him first," Bucky stated, voice tight and cold. "Do you think I'd let him kill me?"

Rumlow laughed. "There's my boy. You still got it. Report to me weekly about your status with Steve. I'll put in the recommendation for the Program. You take out Romanov and wait for further instructions. Good?"

Bucky nodded, feeling a bit better. Rumlow was harsh and sharp around the edges, but he was honest. Bucky could trust that honesty better than he could trust Steve. Rumlow was right; if Steve knew the truth about Bucky he'd kill him. Bucky just needed someone else to say it so he could believe it.

* * *

Steve stood in the archway to the kitchen, still reeling from the words Bucky just spoke. He felt his heart slamming in his chest as it tried to lurch at Bucky, to be held in his hands and cared for. He saw Bucky's eyes go frantic, like a cornered dog ready to bite. Natasha sat at the table, a small, proud smile on her face. She'd let Bucky into a trap! Steve would be pissed if he wasn't so shocked at the words Bucky uttered. Bucky was scared. He didn't know who he was and he had intense feelings for Steve and that was terrifying. Steve understood that. He respected it. Bucky was terrified and didn't understand the world around him. Steve didn't want to admit it, but everything was falling into place. He understood why Bucky had killed Peggy. He understood why Bucky was trying to push him away. He understood it all. Bucky wasn't just scared of HYDRA, he was scared of himself, of Steve, of every person that walked by him. He was even afraid to look in a mirror.

Bucky ran past Steve, running toward the door. "Bucky!" Steve called out, turning and chasing after him.

"Steve, wait!" Natasha said, standing up from the breakfast nook. "Let him go!"

Steve rounded on her. "What?"

"He'll come back," she said. "He just needs time."

"Why'd you do that, Nat?" Steve asked, watching through the parlor window as Bucky took off down the street; barefoot. "What the _fuck_ is your deal?" He charged back into the kitchen, his brow furrowed and teeth barred.

"Steve!"

"Oh what? I'm not allowed to get pissed off? I'm not allowed to say "fuck?" You just have to get involved with everything!"

"Would you let me explain?!"

"You don't need to! I get it! You don't trust him! You think he's going to kill us in our sleep or something! But he hasn't! Has he, Nat? Is anyone dead?"

"The tranqs that were used were Hawkeye's," Natasha stated, ignoring Steve's outburst.

Steve faltered. "W-what?"

Natasha calmly put her coffee mug under the faucet, rinsing it out and then dumping Bucky's wasted coffee. "Last night, Clint counted his arrows, he was missing 7 darts, Steve."

"So? That doesn't prove anything."

"We were hit by a bow and arrow. We have bruising the size of a silver dollar. Even you do, right?"

Steve nodded slowly. He'd examined the bruise before he went to bed, out of sheer curiosity.

"Bucky doesn't have any bruising, Steve," Natasha said evenly. Her voice was gentle, like she was being cautious not to drop a bomb or wake a child. "Bucky didn't get hit from the force of a bow. I think his was self-inflicted."

"You don't know that," Steve defended. "Let me talk to him." Steve was seeing red. How dare she accuse Bucky of this? Bucky would never stand by and allow HYDRA to succeed! He hated them more than anyone else! He had every right to hate them more after what they'd done to him!

"Cap," Tony said from behind, slipping into the archway and into the kitchen. "She's right."

Steve's ears were ringing and he wasn't sure if he was going to pass out or vomit again.

"Jarvis found the identity of the supposed HYDRA agent. He's a taxi cab driver. We can't rule out that he's _not_ HYDRA, but…taxi cab driver."

"Why would Bucky lie?" Steve asked, pressing up against the archway. "He loves me, you know that!" he said, pointing at Natasha. "Why would he say that and…do this?" Steve hated this. He wouldn't stand here and listen to his friends gang up on him about Bucky. He knew Bucky. He knew him better than they did. Bucky would never betray Steve.

'_He isn't your Bucky…'_

Steve closed his eyes, breathing heavily through his nose. "We're not having this discussion anymore," he stated.

Tony nodded, shrugging. "Fine by me. I'll go with Barton to find the cab driver. We're gonna have a little chat with him. Banner's gonna stay and watch the energy grids." He poured himself a cup of coffee, meandering over to the refrigerator and getting out some berries.

"I'm just saying be careful, Steve," Natasha said. "He may love you, but he may be hiding something."

"Stop. I said we were done," Steve stated, putting up a hand to end this. He turned from the kitchen, moving past the dining room and back into the parlor.

He was halfway up the stairs when Sam was rounding the corner, waving. "Morning," Sam sang out. "Going for a jog. Wanna join?"

"You've missed a lot," Steve answered. "Can we talk?"

Sam's face fell as he sported a more serious demeanor. "Sure thing."

They walked into Sam's room. Sam motioned for Steve to have a seat on the bed while he leaned against the wall.

"What do you think about Bucky?"

Sam's brows shot up. "What?"

"Just tell me. How do you read him?"

Sam crossed his arms, resting one foot against the back of the door. "I think the dude's got a lot of issues." Steve huffed through his nose, his brow furrowing as he shook his head from side to side. "But…" Sam said softer. "I think he cares a lot about you. He's just not in the best headspace."

"That's an understatement," Steve joked, but neither of them laughed.

"What's this about?" Sam asked.

"Nat's accusing Bucky of setting us up yesterday. She also made him run out of the house after she pulled one of her mind-tricks on him."

Sam's mouth dropped open. "She did what?"

"Got him to say _very_ personal things and then he split," Steve answered matter-of-fact. This was too much. Bucky said he loved Steve. He had no idea Steve had been standing behind him so it couldn't have been a lie. All the things Bucky has said or done in the past since he'd come back, it wasn't all a lie, was it? No… No it couldn't be. Bucky was running from HYDRA. Bucky was in love with Steve. He hadn't done this.

"So…" Sam drawled. "I think Bucky doesn't know who he is. I think he needs you, more than he's probably aware. I don't forgive him for murdering a woman in cold blood, but I think she pulled a memory out of him and that's how he responded to it. I think you just need to be careful with him. He's…dangerous, but not intentionally."

Steve smiled. Sam was an excellent judge of character and Steve considered him his best friend since Bucky… It was a relief to hear the words from Sam's mouth. "What do you think I should do?"

"Watch him. Help him. If Nat's right, you'll find out eventually. He'll either come clean or he'll try to kill you. One or the other," Sam laughed. They shared an uneasy smile and fell into comfortable silence.

Bucky needed Steve, but even more than that, Steve needed Bucky. He didn't believe Natasha, he couldn't believe it. Bucky was not in league with HYDRA. Not after all they'd done to him. Steve just needed to reach out to Bucky somehow. He needed to make him feel safe again. If Bucky wasn't going to recover his memories, Steve needed to let Bucky make new ones. They needed out of this. Steve needed to get Bucky away from the other Avengers, away from HYDRA. They needed an escape.

"Wanna take that jog now?" Sam asked.

Steve laughed. "Sure."

* * *

By the time Bucky came back, it was almost morning. The sun was threatening to peak over the D.C outline, but it wasn't just there yet. The world was cast in deep, purple and blue hues as the morning dew dampened the grass. Bucky parkoured up side of the house, going into Steve's window like he had several nights before. Steve was asleep in the bed, curled up and clutching a pillow.

Bucky stood there, watching Steve's shoulders rise and fall as he breathed. Rumlow thought this was a good idea. Rumlow believed Bucky could do this. Bucky closed his eyes, inhaling deeply and silently moving to the door.

"Buck?" a sleepy voice called. Bucky froze, his metal hand barely centimeters from the doorknob. He dropped it, turning around to face Steve. The man's face was red from being pushed up against the pillow and his hair was disheveled, but he was still beautiful.

"Go back to sleep," Bucky stated softly. "It's early."

"Where've you been?" Steve asked, closing his eyes and opening them again as he fought off sleep.

Bucky offered the tiniest of smiles. "I needed to think."

Steve sat up, rubbing at his face. "I love you, too."

Bucky blinked a few times, unsure that he heard Steve correctly. His mouth parted as he fell into silence.

"If you want to keep your distance, that's fine, I respect it, but…I love you too. You're not the same as you were before, but you're still you. I see it in the small things you do. I wanna help you, Buck. If you'll let me."

Bucky leaned against the door, gingerly biting at his lip. It was light enough so he didn't crack open his wound. "What about Peggy?"

Steve winced. He rolled in his lips, nodding slowly. "I don't…it's hard to explain. Just know that I don't hate you for it. I'm trying to tell you I love you, Bucky." Steve laughed, his cheeks flushing with rosy reds.

"So we pretend this never happened?"

Steve shook his head. "No. It happened. And we're going to go to her funeral procession in England. But we're going to move on from it…together."

Bucky looked up, a hopeful smile flirting with his full lips. He walked over to the bed, scooting onto it and pressing his face into the crook of Steve's neck. He wrapped his legs around Steve, pulling him as close as he could. He hated himself for how much he loved Steve. He hated knowing that this was the worst idea possible for him. Rumlow may trust that he'd do the right thing in the end, but Bucky didn't. He trusted himself to make the stupidest decisions and ruin everything because he loved this man. He loved him more than HYDRA, more than life, more than the rush he felt whenever Steve asked him what he was thinking or what he wanted to do. He felt tears wet his cheeks as he continued to squeeze Steve into the hug. He wasn't sure if they were happy or sad tears.

Steve's hands wrapped themselves into the locks of Bucky's hair. Bucky could feel Steve's pulse in his throat, it was fast and his breathing was quicker. Bucky pulled back, brushing his nose against Steve's. "Jesus Christ, I love you, you stupid punk," he said.

Steve pulled back, smiling a dopey smile as his eyes glossed over in a film of tears.

Bucky's heart froze as his eyes widened in fear. "What? Did I say something wrong?"

Steve allowed a single tear to fall from his eye. "No Bucky. You just used to always say that...before."

Bucky blinked, swallowing as he sat back, his legs still intertwined around Steve's middle. He'd never said that before…because he wasn't James "Bucky" Barnes. So how'd he know to say it now? Did HYDRA program him to be similar to the real Bucky from the start? Or was… No. He couldn't be the real one. Pierce wouldn't have lied to him like that. It would have made no sense. Why would he send Bucky out to pretend to be someone else if he was really that person to begin with? It didn't make sense…did it?

"I don't…remember…" Bucky said softly. "M'sorry."

Steve caressed Bucky's cheeks, running his thumbs over the cheekbones. "You don't have anything to apologize for."

Bucky laughed, it was sardonic but soft. "I have a lot to apologize for."

"We'll get through this together," Steve responded, still caressing Bucky's face. The motion agitated the stubble on Bucky's face, but he ignored it. It felt so good to have Steve touch him like this, for them to simply be sitting together without anyone looking or without the fear of not knowing how the other felt after everything that's happened.

"What if I never get my memories back?" Bucky asked, curious to the outcome, considering he'd never get them back, as he wasn't the real James Barnes, at least he didn't believe he was anyway. He trusted that Pierce would have told him the truth.

"I don't care if you get them back or not. We can make new ones. I just want you safe."

"Am I not safe?"

Steve sported a crooked smile. "I don't know. The rest of the Avengers aren't entirely thrilled with you…and with HYDRA getting the tech back…" He left the sentence to hang in the air.

Bucky nodded, pressing his lips together in an anguished line. He hated lying to Steve. He hated hiding his mission even though Steve was his mission. They all were. Bucky had been on his way to kill Natasha before Steve had woken up. It had been foolish to come into Steve's room, but Bucky knew better than to open Natasha and Clint's window. "They didn't take me. They could have, but they didn't. Maybe they don't need me anymore."

Steve's brow furrowed, and there was a flash of knowing in those blue orbs that Bucky didn't like seeing. He tensed momentarily, before settling back into Steve's lap. "I think we can't take any chances."

Bucky's face fell. He couldn't shake the idea that Steve was lying to him as much as he was lying to Steve. He leaned in, brushing his nose against Steve's again and then kissed the man's cheek softly, careful not to split his lip back open. He kissed the corners of Steve's eyes and between his brow, and lastly the tip of his nose. "Do you trust me, Steve?"

Steve laughed softly. "I trust that you love me."

Bucky was smarter than that. He'd been evasive. Steve didn't trust him. Bucky allowed a smile to play at his lips that didn't reach his eyes. He scooted off Steve, dropping his legs off the bed.

"What's wrong?" Steve asked.

Bucky closed his eyes, feeling the stirring in his stomach that he loved so much when Steve paid attention to him. "Nothing's wrong."

"Have you slept yet? Are you hungry?"

Bucky felt his stomach warming at the questions. This was why he fell in love in the first place. He'd been treated like a human… Was this really all it took for him to fall in love with someone? A pretty face and kindness? "I've not slept yet and I'm not hungry."

"You should at least drink some water," Steve said, standing up and walking to the door. "I'll go get you a glass."

Bucky scooted up the bed, resting back on the headboard. He was running out of time. He couldn't kill Natasha now because Steve was up and wandering around. There was no way Steve was going to let him out of his sight any time soon either, not that Bucky really minded. He looked forward to being with Steve again. His window was getting smaller and smaller. Natasha was the imminent threat, but then again, so was Clint and Tony… Perhaps even Banner if he was listening to any of what Natasha or Tony had to say. They were all threats, except Steve. Steve was the only one Bucky could get on his side, but even then, he didn't trust Bucky. Bucky didn't earn that right yet. He'd shattered their trust the day he took his knife against Peggy's throat.

Steve came back in, handing a glass of water to Bucky. He gulped it down, feeling some of it dribble down the side of his chin. He emptied the glass, realizing how much he needed that and wiped his mouth. "Thanks," he said.

Steve nodded, hopping onto the bed and pulling the covers over him. "You should get some sleep," he offered.

Bucky's lips contorted into a soft, crooked smile. "My mind's too awake."

Steve propped his head up in his hand. "What're you thinking about?"

Bucky now sported a full smile. He dipped his head, loving how his heart fluttered, yet hating it all the same. This was bad. This was so bad for his mission. He loved this man too much. It was too dangerous. Rumlow had misplaced his trust. If they didn't use Steve for the Asset Program− Bucky didn't know if he'd go rogue protecting him or not… "I'm thinking about me and you."

Steve scooted closer, pressing a kiss into Bucky's metal arm. Bucky shivered. He couldn't feel it, but it was the sentiment. "Anything specific?" he pried.

Bucky leaned his head back, looking up at the ceiling fan. "Just how we got here. How I almost…" He let the sentence break off as he shrugged. "How I almost lost you."

"You weren't gonna lose me," Steve said.

Bucky allowed a dark laugh to escape his lips. "No, I'm pretty sure there was a moment where you contemplated my future with you. The night I came back in the window…"

"I was upset, I still…look Buck," Steve sat up, supporting his weight with his arm. "Can we just not talk about Peggy anymore?"

Bucky's face twitched in resigned compliance. "M'sorry."

Steve pressed a kiss into the hollow of Bucky's cheek. "Don't be," he whispered. He pressed another kiss against Bucky's temple and another at the corner of his eye.

Bucky looked out the window as the morning sun started to trickle into the room. He pursed his lips. "Do you care if I close the blinds?"

Steve shook his head.

Bucky stood up, closing the blinds to provide some darkness into the room. He removed his shirt, dropping it to the floor and crawled back into bed. He wrapped his arms around Steve's middle, humming as he felt Steve's fingers run through his hair. "I love you," he whispered.

Steve chuckled. "I love you, too."

Bucky sighed, half in content and half in misery. This was only going to get worse. Natasha was an immediate threat. Stark and Barton were fast becoming immediate threats. Bucky needed to get rid of Natasha, and fast.

Bucky clutched Steve tighter, nestling his head into Steve's tummy, listening to his stomach make little gurgling sounds. He smiled into Steve's abs, pressing a kiss against them before resting his head into them again. He desperately tried to fight off sleep as his body calmed under Steve's hand as he continued to run his fingers lazily through Bucky's hair. If he could ward off sleep, he could perhaps sneak into Natasha's room and kill her, but Bucky's eyelids were becoming so heavy and Steve's fingers felt so good running through his hair. His body practically started to vibrate as it relaxed into Steve's body, like putty.

He'd fallen asleep before he even realized he closed his eyes.


End file.
